Question:

H i write stories as a hobbie please tell me what u think of this?

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The streets of New York were quiet, nothing was alive and nothing had motion. It was boxing day half seven in the evening most job workers of the big city were sleeping in their homes tired from all the fuss Christmas day had offered them. The mothers were satisfied with the joys which had been blessed on the families in this time of the year. Also the children who thought Santa existed were chuffed with there top of the range clothes and gifts which had been given to them on Christmas morning, however the family men were still recovering from all the debts that they owed to the manipulating bills and presents they could not afford. To make things worse they were also recovering from the hangovers which had been given to them from the brothers in laws and their obsession always to drink vodka on every celebration. It was a time of year they hated and despised however were hiding it to keep the children happy and keep safe from the desperate wives bellowing down their ears. They were now looking forward to nothing except a financial disaster for the new year on the other hand they were still praying for one thing. That the conference in the morning for the big boxing fight between the 2 black American fighters Lewis Carters and James Husky went well and the fight was to go forward.

By now it was eight o clock, paparazzi were outside the queens park palace waiting for Lewis Carters to arrive at the conference. He would often do this to build suspense in the atmosphere and get all the people from his home town, Brooklyn, to cheer him on when he got there. James Husky was already in the building., he was Lewis Carters opponent and is the heavy weight champion. He has been fighting professional for 25 years and has been undefeated since he had the belt- he has had eight fights since he had had won the title and has either knocked his opponents out within the first two rounds or they have got so hurt in the fight from his deadly combinations of punches that the coaches and trainers have thrown in the towel. It was going to be the best fight since Muhammad Ali and Joe Frasier fought it out in the famous fight known commonly as the thrilla in manila. Husky was a fairly tall man with a muscular build, he had a very quick reacting mind in the ring, he was a powerful puncher and the unordinary thing about him is that he can fight either orthodox or southpaw stance in the ring. He was given the nickname James the power man Husky after knocking Fredson juniour out in the 2nd round with a lethal uppercut which knocked one of fredsons moulders out of his mouth blood was all over the ring and it was classed to be one of the most memorable fights in history. What made it unordinary was this was when he was in the cruiser weight and the power of the punch was the equivalent of Geroge Foremans awesome hooks.. James always stay focused on the aim of the fight which is to win and that integrity and spirit has won him most of his fights. A characteristic which made him stand outside the ring was that he was very crotchety this was also the case after his fights and in public. Whenever he was victorious over one of his fights he would always end up yelling at a bewildered reporter who he would end up either pushing onto the floor. Even though he was like this, it was what made him entertaining to watch and he is known to have one of the most amazing attitudes to live. In the conference room Husky was wearing an black swage suit with a black striped **** and blue aqua coloured tie, he was sitting in there patiently waiting for the conference to progress.

While James Husky was inside sitting on lined table on the right side of the room sipping his glass of squeezed lemon, loud chaotic noises were coming from outside. Outside was a large Grey gold plated 550 Ferrari Maranello. It had top of the range platinum rims. Everyone in the neighbourhood could hear its engine roaring whilst pouncing forward , it was being blocked by a crowd and the car was unable to move forward so it pulled to the side of the curve and stopped.

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4 ANSWERS


  1. Seriously?

    Your sentence structure is choppy; you have run-on sentences; spelling is poor (I was going to say "atrocious", but that seemed too harsh); punctuation is absent and formatting is vacant.

    You need both an editor and proofreader to helkp focus your ability to tell this story as best as you can.

    No offense, zeal is not enough when writing; you must understand the fundamentals of writing to do the best you can so people don't dismiss it out of hand


  2. A good start, a good story idea, it need some work. The beginning you say most people are sleep, the mothers are satisfied, and the working men are worried and drinking vodka. It seems that you're referring to certain people not "people" in general.  I think if you stop at the third line "tired from all the fuss..." and connect to "the conference in the morning..." (re-word it) it would be enough. Ask yourself why is all this information significant to the the fight and do the readers really need to know this.  

    What is ..."boxing day half seven in the evening", are you telling the time?

    You already told us who James Husky's opponent is in the first paragraph.  You don't need to drive it again in the second with "James Husky was already in the building., he was Lewis Carters opponent and is the heavy weight champion."  Furthermore, if James Husky is the heavy weight champion to be defeated, his name should be before Lewis Carter.

    "He has been fighting professional for 25 years and has been undefeated since he had the belt- he has had eight fights since he had had won the title and has either knocked his opponents out within the first two rounds or they have got so hurt in the fight from his deadly combinations of punches that the coaches and trainers have thrown in the towel." This is a run on sentence. Give us his profile and professional stat in less words.

    You short lived Carter, then went to Husky's profession in the same paragraph.   Think of this, why should the reader believe what you say about Husky when you haven't said anything about Carter other than he hasn't arrived.   The reader has nothing to compare. Give us some details about the boxers early in the story.  You don't need to give details of past fights right away.  

    Make this convincing. Give us comparative data  such as match up styles.  Why does Husky have advantages over Carter, is it Husky's height or reach? What advantage does Carter have over Husky, is it speed?  With this laid out you can tell us why Husky and Carter believe he will win this fight.  Give the reader a reason to continue to read your story to the end.  Right now, you've made me believe Husky will win and you haven't told the whole story yet.

    I don't like boxing but your story got my attention. Keep at it.

  3. Sounds good so far...needs some serious editing though.

  4. i wouldn't read it if it wuz in a book. But hey, some people would! (MAYBE!)

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