HAPPY? CRITIQUE, COMMENT, RATE, ETC. FYI, just poem of interest, I wasnt really cheated on?

Question

Do you think that you look cool,

just dancing all alone?

That, you don't even eat

That you're about to lose your home

You're wheezing on the floor

You're begging for some air

You're youth is getting old

You're losing all your hair

Was cheating a solution

What did it start producing

If life was a courtroom

Hi, I'm your prosecution

Life isn't always winning

This is the final inning

Can you really score some runs,

even if your head is spinning?

Can you dodge the fire?

Forget the fact that you're a liar

Why exactly did you cheat?

Is it that you couldn't stand the heat?

And you know how the saying goes

So get out of the kitchen

You're whining to your girlfriends

Nobody'll listen

You're fishing on land

Building castles on water

You've lost all sense of direction,

walking straight into a slaughter

You're shriveled up, so cold

Too weak to lift a brow

Only one question to ask you,

Are you happy now?

Answer 1

i loved it i dont think its any thing like rap it was more emo rock

Answer 2

I like this poem could be a rap and I could imagine eminiem rapping that LOVE IT

Answer 3

not quite rap and not quite fluid poetry... isn't that called slam?

well, overall i like it. I'm not sure if it was your style or if it just happened but the rhyme scheme changed a bit throughout the piece and it was a little distracting. it seemed a bit forced near the end like you knew how you wanted it to end and you had a good first half but you knew it needed more. i do that sometimes, i often find it's best to leave the piece with all my ideas scribbled on it and then come back to it after a day or so.

watch for typo's, your vs you're. I'm not sure if the person who was cheated on has poisoned the cheater or if the description is of future hair loss and whithering, etc.

"Was cheating a solution

What did it start producin'

if life were in a courtroom

hi, i'm your prosecution"

^^^i like that, lots of personality in that stanza^^^

thank you for sharing!

Answer 4

i really like it... did you write it?? i'm a lil confused though... i'm pretty sure it's about someone cheating or just someone who has betrayed you... is it also about drugs?? "your head is spinning"... idk, let me know what's goin on in your head....