HELP! I asked someone close to me to adopt my baby. She accepted, but now I'm not so sure!!!?

Question

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my second child. I chose to procede with this pregnancy rather than abort, but now I don't know what to do.

Right now I am very unsure of myself as far as being able to provide the kind of lifestyle I wish for any more children. I feel I'm a good mom to my two year old daughter, but fear with another child I will be restricting not only her opportunities in life, but also for the one to come. I plan to go to college to increase my chances of earning a higher income, but I feel with a new baby I will not have the patience and put it off even longer.

I tossed the idea of adoption around in my head for several weeks, with the person in mind who I'd like to adopt this child. She cannot personally have children so she gladly accepted when I asked (of course with some apprehension).

When I asked her if she'd adopt this baby I was so sure that it was the best thing to do for everyone involved, but now I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want anyone to

Answer 1

It is normal for you to have doubts and questions.  Your friend should understand.  And, it is good that you are thinking about your baby's future now, then waiting until the baby is here.  I suggest that you find someone or an organization that does birthparent counseling.  One organization that I know of is Bethany Christian Services.

Also, in some states, you and the adoptive parent can enter into a post adoption agreement where you and the adoptive parent come to some agreement on how much you will be involved in the baby's life.  This agreement would be enforceable in a court.

Answer 2

Well, you shouldn't have said you were sure in the first place. But don't worry, she may be a bit hurt...but tell her she can be a godmother or something in the babies life (even a babysitter!). Don't think too much, or stress, or you'll hurt the baby before it's even out!

Secondly, you have to keep your first child now, since she's two...but maybe you should think about all your options...you can:

A) Allow this woman to adopt your baby

B) Keep the baby

C) Abort (if it's not too late?)

D) Keep the baby, and make the woman part of her life aswell

E) Allow the woman to adopt the baby, and be part of the babies life also

If you like the idea of any of those, talk to the woman -you hope to give your child to- about the options, and that you're having second thoughts...

Somehow, someone will be hurt in this decision. And by the way, it's not selfish AT ALL to want to be a part of your babies life! I'm sure the woman will be happy that her possible future daughter came from such a great mother!

No one will assume you left the baby, if you decide the woman is adopting him/her. They'll assume you're a loving, caring mother, who wants what's best for her child.

Hope I can help, email me if you want. Good luck!

Answer 3

It's good that you realize something is wrong before you put your baby in the hands of others,  because the actual bonding have not taken it's place, but if you already decided you're going to keep this child, you should tell her as soon as possible.

Answer 4

You know in your heart what is best for your child.  I was adopted and am thankful everyday for that and that I have had some wonderful parents.  I have now adopted(and hopefully will do so again soon) and while this child originally came from out of the country and I have no contact or even know her birth mom-my friends have adopted domestically and have a good relationship with the bio mom.

It can be done.  This particular situation the bio mom is an honorary auntie and while she does not interfere in everyday life, she is still included at birthdays, some holidays if it works out and some everyday stuff if she wants to.  (school activities).  She even at times takes this girl to lunch and a movie-sort of an Auntie and Me day.  The child knows she is adopted although she does not know her "Aunt" is actually her bio mom.  However, she will when the time is right and she can properly handle it all.  Bio mom kept a journal while pregnant and also wrote her a note(both of which she has copies of) and the "new" mom has those items to give to her daughter when she is older.  (i cant remember what age -maybe 18? they decided on)

Best of luck.  If you have any doubts then just dont do it.  You have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.  You are not doing it for your friend-you are doing it for your child.  I commend you on thinking of adoption as a wonderful option.  But you can choose how much you want to be part of the results.

My heart is with you-Sheri

Answer 5

Don't give up your child.  If you have any nagging doubt at all, don't do it. No matter how sure you are today, you will have regets.  The child may get a quality life with the person who will adopt her, but she will always wonder why you kept your first daughter and gave her away.  Quality of life is not just about material things, but about the love and support you can give your child.  There are resources out there to assist single mothers--free healthcare, food assistance, etc.  You may not be able to give your children everything, but you can give her yourself and your best effort at a good life.  You can't expect to give her up for adoption and then be able to be her mother while someone else cares for her and pays her way in life.  You may not have meant to get pregnant with a second child, but you did. It seems like you own that child the chance to know and love her mother. Where there's a will, there's a way. You can provide for this second baby and be a good mother to both; it just takes strength and determination. The children you bring into the world should take precedent over your higher education or earning potential.   You need to sit down and evaluate what's really important to you in your life and be honest with yourself.  Once you do that, you need to sit down with the person you asked to adopt your baby and have a heart to heart with them and let them know what you really feel.  It's the only right and fair thing to do for your baby and your friend.

Answer 6

I think you are in an incredibly difficult situation. I think the time when anyone is deciding whether to have an abortion must be very hard. Then the whole issue of adoption comes up and that must be an emotional roller coaster, and of course, it lasts for a long time. I have one biological child and have two children that we adopted. I remember specifically how I felt just after we met with our son's birthparents, when she was about 8 months pregnant. My husband and I were both so excited and joyful and filled with anticipation. Both of us said though, that it must be so different than how the birthparents would be feeling. Relief? Fear? Anxiety? Sadness? Confusion?

One thing for you to keep in mind is that you and your friend are at such different places. She wants a baby and you have a baby that perhaps she could end up having as her own. You have to be able to understand that this is YOUR baby and it is not AT ALL her baby until it is born and you sign over your rights. Until that time, this is your baby. She also needs to be able to see that. I went through a tough time right after my son was born when the birthparents seem to be wavering in their decision. I knew I would be devestated if they changed their minds (who wouldn't?) but, I told myself that it wasn't my baby yet. It would be like me stealing the baby unless and until the birthmother gave me the baby. Thinking that helped me keep my feelings in perspective. I had no rights at all of any kind to that baby until the mother said I did.

There's another issue here though that I feel the need to comment on which is that I think it would be VERY hard to have a friend be the mother of your child. Yes, you would be able to stay in contact with the child and be a part of his/her life. But, you will not be the child's mother. You will not legally ahve any rights at all to the child. When you become a mother (and this would include you and your friend) you have very strong feelings about how your child is treated and how your child is raised. How will you deal with it when your friend treats her baby in a way that you find unkind or irritating or just different from how you would be? What if she moves far away and you don't ahve much of any relationship at all with them? What if for some reason you never have another child -- how will you feel then about watching someone else raise the child that was once yours? I think I believe in open adoption but, I just think it would be asking for so much complication and doubt and ambivalence to expect you to be able to give your baby to a friend and then watch that friend raise your child.

I know you are thinking of the best for everyone right now, and you especially need to consider the best for yourself. If you want to give this baby up for adoption, there are scores of healthy and appropriate and loving people juat waiting to meet you -- once you've decided what to do. And if your friend wants to adopt a baby, she should look for a birthmother whom she has no relationship with.

I strongly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself in trying to come to terms with what you are going through. You do not need to feel pressured by anyone right now. You need to find someone who is not biased against abortion and who doesn't have strong feelings about adoption. You need to find a counselor who can help you sort out how you are feeling and what will be the best decision for you in this situation. Find someone you like and you feel comfortable talking to. Don't waste your time on someone you think is just okay or not particularly good. Find someone whom you can trust and who has no personal interest in what you decide.

Good luck and give yourself a big hug.

Answer 7

It's unfortunate that this situation has unfolded the way it has. I would tell your friend as soon as possible that you are having doubts so that she may prepare herself for the loss that is sure to follow. She was probably apprehensive in the beginning for just this reason. It sounds to me like you would regret giving your baby up for adoption to anyone. Plan on keeping this baby and please, tell your friend about your feelings. Although it will be disappointing, I'm sure she will understand.

Answer 8

i.m so sorry for you. what a horrible situation to be in..i can understand where your comin from. and i cant really advise you. all i can suggest is you think very carefully about it. i wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right choice for you. god bless

Answer 9

Sweetie, I agree that adoption would be the best option here, but if you do this legally and she agrees to have you a part of the child's life, there will be contracts signed and the odds would not be in her favor if she "changed her mind".  If you do things through a lawyer (legally) and sign the paperwork, the only way she could legally make you stay away from the child is if you were a danger to him/her.

And waiting to talk about it until the time comes, well, the best thing is to get the lawyers involved as soon as possible.  So the best thing to do is to get it all figured out now, so there isn't any thing that can be twisted as the pregnancy progresses.

Good luck, it is a difficult decision.

Answer 10

If you have any doubts at all at this time, I recommend that delay your decision until after your baby is born.  And  please be honest with your friend and tell her that you are having doubts.  It is not fair to her to let her think that she is going to adopt your child when it is quite possible that you will change your mind.  Let's face it - if you are doubtful now, you will have even more doubts after the birth of your child.  I think that it would be terrible for you to let this go on with her and then back yourself into a corner where you feel obligated to surrender your baby.

I advise you to plan on parenting and get resources in place to parent.  After your child is born, if you really can't make a go of it, then consider adoption.  Also, with an open adoption you can have contact with your child which I understand helps a lot of adoptees deal with abandonment issues.  (not an expert on this tho' so suggest that you ask a question for adoptees to answer on this issue).

Answer 11

You should not have brought this subject up yet.  Now you will have to tell her you  are having second thoughts, you don't want to give a child away just because you didn't want to tell her the truth.  

Give yourself the entire time you are pregnant.  You do not have to rush into a decision.  And it is your decision, don't let anyone bully you into making it before you are ready.

Answer 12

you poor thing.  this is a tough situation you're in, honey.  no matter what you do, you'll kick yourself for doing it and feel guilty.  make a list of the pros and cons of both choices.  i'm no sure if that will help, but at least you'll see your reasons for picking each set out on paper.  sometimes the best thing to do is to follow your heart and do what you think is best for your baby, not for you.  i'm sorry your in such a tough situation.  just stick by your decision.  good luck.

Answer 13

I am an adoptee that reunited with my birthmother after 24 years.  It was an amazing experience, and very hard on both of us.  We are still very close 8 years later.   If you were to have this friend adopt your child, it sounds like it would be an open adoption.  I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to have your child know you - that is a good thing for your child.  It is going to be difficult for you and your friend to iron out the details and keep your emotions in check so that you are always putting the child first.  It is a lifelong decision.  There is no easy choice. It is sad that your friend cannot conceive, but that is not of your concern right now.  She will forgive you for your "jumping the gun".  Better to have made that mistake than to have made a mistake with the life of your baby. And I'm not saying it would be a mistake - that will be based on how you handle your feelings of loss and how you judge your baby's life to be.  You might become very critical of your friend, because she better be the best mother ever if its your baby she is raising!  Or maybe you will be able to distance yourself and let go. I would suggest going to an adoption support group and listening to the stories of birthmothers, adoptive parents, and adoptees.

Even if you have to put schooling off for another 5 years and live modestly, you can eventually go back to school.  But you can't get your baby back once you sign the papers.  And she can't have you back either.

Answer 14

If this is truly your friend like you say.... Then she will be understanding about the pressure that you are under. So, be honest with her about your change of heart.  Let her know that you defiantly want her to be involved with the new addition to your family.  And that you need her support. I hope the best for you at this time. Don't give up on getting your degree. That will defiantly make all the difference in your life and your children's' lives.

Answer 15

You sound like you need more time.  Please let yourself have the time that you need.  Perhaps you could talk to your friend and explain that you are going to think about this some more, since it is an important decision.  There is no hurry.  This is your life.  You are under no obligation to this friend until you and she make a legal agreement.  You may want to ask her to wait to hear from you.  If you feel comfortable, tell her you will get back with her by a certain time.  It could even be 3-6 months from now.  You are not under any time restraint.  Pray about it and really think about it.  Pray for clarity.  Please do not rush into a decision until you feel really good about it.

Answer 16

You should NEVER bring up the subject of adoption to someone if you are not 100% sure that you intend to go through with it. You are getting her hopes up and that is not fair to her. My husband's step-brother and his wife had a baby snatched away from them after having her live with them for 3 months because the mom changed her mind. They were devestated. You need to think really hard about your decision. Don't dangle baby dreams in front of her and snatch them away at the last minute.

Answer 17

thats a tough situation. if in your heart it tells u 2 let the other lady take your child, then so be it. you want the unborn baby 2 have a good life, as well as your other child. it's not selfish. besides, if that woman would not let u 2 agree to u having visits with this baby, then 4get her. if u do decide 2 do, have her sign some legal papers, and get them notorized! goodluck, and godbless

Answer 18

its NEVER about the adoptive parents, its about YOUR BABY. The best thing she needs is YOU and her sister. you can do it, don't doubt yourself, you're a great mother! Don't make a plan EVER pre-birth, try parenting first, you will surprise yourself at how much it WORKS, this is YOUR baby!!

Answer 19

This is YOUR baby until the moment you relinquish your rights!!!!

There is NO reason you can't share your adoption plan with whomever you wish!!!

I don't think ANY mother is 100% about anything.

The risk is with the adoptive family. When I adopted my son I knew that there was a chance that she would change her mind and I was a strong enough that I was willing to take that risk. I wanted him bad enough that the pian I could have is SOOOO worth the chance.

So pretty much if you change your mind they'll understand. They are the one's putting themselves out there and by doing this they are saying that they are also willing to take the chance of a great loss just like you are considering. Just try to find peace with your decision.

Take a day (Or 30) to pray. Remove Everyone elses EMOTIONS out of the equation and make your decision based on what you want for yourself and your child. Nothing in concrete 'til papers are signed. Just don't accept ant money or gifts because you'll feel obligated.

Hope this helps and God bless

Answer 20

A child is a very special gift as you must already know if you are mothering a older child as you say you are. Just know that whatever your decision may be that you have to think what is in the best interest of the unborn child. You need to also make sure that the person you are dealing with in the adoption is someone trustworthy and respectful of your feelings and needs as well. I wish you well in whatever you choose to do. Good Luck!!

Answer 21

first way to go on not aborting, i think that is so wrong. second i think you should do what ever you feel is best for the child.

me, i could never give a child up. but i'm more like your friend i had a lot of trouble conceiving my daughter and can never have another child. i know what a trill it must be for your friend to even have the opportunity  to love a child as her  own.  

maybe you should talk to your friend about the way you feel. she might be willing to help care for the kids while you go back to school and get to where you feel you can take care of both kids on your own.

good luck on whatever you choose and congrats on the new baby.

Answer 22

Let them adopt the baby. It is obvious that your decision making skill aren't very high. Give the baby a fighting chance and give him or her up.

Answer 23

We are in the process of looking to adopt a child.  Since I have had to put a lot of thought into MY decisions I can't help but think about what you birth moms go through making your decisions.  This has to be the hardest thing to have to think about.  I will pray that you make a decision that you will be 100% ccomfortable with it.  

You have 2 issues here:  

1.  you need to tell your friend that you are not sure what to do and that you are thinking about your options.  Not fair to keep them hanging on.  If they don't understand then is this where you want to place your child???

2.  Next you need to make a decision.  There are plenty of Adoption Agencies in your area that have Licensed Counselors that can help you "organize" your thoughts about ALL of your options.  This decision cannot be made alone if you are already having second thoughts.  You really need to have someone help you go through the pros and cons of being a mother  or being a mother who placed their child into another loving home.  Adoption Agency's will not talk you into adoption if they are one with the proper ethics.  You can also find Pregnant and parenting resources in your community.  They can usually help young moms find the appropriate resources should they decide to parent.  Best wishes to you and good luck.

Answer 24

I am an adoptee. If you are not sure than keep your baby. It is yours until you sign the papers.  My heart goes out to your friend but, maybe not having kids was God's plan for her. As long as you are a full time student in College you can put your kids in Daycare for little or no money.   I do suggest this. If you decied to keep this child, you may want to get your tubes tied. Remember this is your child. If you don't want to give it up for adoption tell the person so.  At least you love this child, my birthmother( aka: the w***e) wanted me dead from the time she found out she was pregnant with me. Thank God she only had one child. And than God for my adoptive parents.  Good luck!

Jennifer

Adoptee

Birthplace: Sonoma, Ca 1-7-73

Answer 25

I think it is wonderful that you are putting so much thought into this life-changing decision. Take the time you need. And remember that any plans you make now might get thrown out the window the minute you hold your baby.

It is important to know that there is no legal protection for "open" adoptions, no matter how many papers are signed and notarized. As soon as an adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents have full custody and NO legal requirement to offer any contact whatsoever. So, you would need to be certain that your friend wouldn't go back on her agreement with you at any time in 18 years.

And please remember that you can give your child love and attention, no matter how much money you make. If you want more education, or you're interested in a field that required specific training, then by all means go to school, but you do not have to have a college degree to make a good life for yourself and your family.