HELP!!!!! What do I do about a bridesmaid who isn't attending the ONLY shower I'm having?

Question

When I asked her, we had issues regarding her "place" (not MOH) and we've had a couple other issues along the way...she's also lost two family members over the past year as well...she says that she thinks her family is trying to get together that day but that she is going to try...this is the ONLY shower I'm being thrown...I have this and the bachelorette party...and on one hand...ok family is family...but on the other hand...I'm really frustrated, because I'm not Bridezilla, I haven't asked my maids to do a whole lot of anything yet, because there are certain things I want to do myself, and we're going fairly simple anyway. Do I have any room to feel jaded or like she's trying to avoid me and this wedding? Or what??? HELP!!!!

Answer 1

One of my bridesmaids could not attend my only shower and I was ok with it as she also lost 2 dear family members (one her mother) and had a gathering already planned with her dad for that day at an event her mom would have loved to attend. Given she has lost 2 family members this year, have you aksed her how she is doing or is it all about you (not being rude, it's a valid question!!!). Frankly, I do think you are overreacting and I think you need to spend some time with your friend where the day is all about her and not your wedding! Good luck though and best wishes!!

Answer 2

Ok, I understand where you are coming from and don't think you are overreacting.  It is the responsibility of bridesmaid to go to any and all showers.  

That said, your friend is obviously going through some things, and it is causing her to be unavailable emotionally and now physically.  You have a chance to be the bigger person here - appreciate whatever time the can give you.  And be happy that you didn't ask her to be your MOH because life has thrown her some curve balls and she's just not able to be as supportive as I'm sure she normally would be.

Also, I know everyone is being kind of hard on you saying that it's just a shower, but the fact is that all maids are supposed to come to the showers and you are feeling a little snubbed because it doesn't sound like you've asked that much of her.  So you do certainly have room to feel jaded, but you shouldn't waste the effort in continuing to feel jaded - as you have no control over these things.  Considering her situation, just tell yourself to expect nothing from her and then whatever she does end up doing you will be pleasantly surprised.

Good Luck!

EDIT:  Hm...you didn't make it to the visitation or funeral for her relative?  I know people have things that cause them to be unavailable, but unless you have a really good excuse, such as you had to work and the visitation was only 2 hours and you couldn't get off for that narrow time slot) I think she's got you on this one.  I don't think it's a t*t for tat thing about not asking her to be your MOH.  I think that it may have something to do with it in the sense that once you didn't ask her, she thought to herself something like "ok, so I'm not as close with her as I thought" and then you not going to her relative's visitation or funeral only solidified that.  

I think you need to take a look at your relationship on the whole - why did you ask her to be in your wedding in the first place?  If you can still find redeeming things about your relationship, then I think that you should just expect nothing of her, cut her a whole lot of slack and just be pleased with whatever she is able to do for you; even if that means all she does is show up the day of your wedding.

And as far as you not going to the relative's visitation, you seem to be a bit elusive about the relationship between your friend and the relative.  I don't mean to sound callous here - but I think a lot of this depends on the type of relationship the person had with the relative.  I mean, is she a third cousin once removed that she never met?  Or is it her great aunt that she was extremely close with and was practically raised by?  Or was it her mother or father (in which case it doesn't matter about what type of relationship they had because it's their parent and that's tragic enough for the person)?  The reason I ask is because sometimes people use the deaths of any relative in their family as another excuse to avoid responsibility and draw attention to themselves by acting dramatic about the 'loss.'

Not that your friend is one of those people, but I've just noticed with some people that if they are looking for something to draw attention to themselves and then their great aunt Susie who they only met 3 times dies, they can then turn it into the end of the world.  

But, if it was someone she was close with, and you didn't have a really good reason of why you couldn't make it, then I think you need to make sure that she understands that you are sorry for her loss and you are sorry that you couldn't make it to the visitation and that you hope she will be able to continue to act as a bm and stand up in your wedding.  If she gives you a lukewarm response, then you can give her the out if you want to like 'well, it sounds like you have a lot going on, so if you aren't able to be a bm, I completely understand.'

Good luck!

Answer 3

You know what, her world doesn't revolve around your wedding.  It's not a big deal if she doesn't come to your shower.  I'm invited to a shower next month that the Maid of Honor isn't attending, so what.  Have you ever lost a family member?  I don't think you have, someone else's wedding becomes the last thing you care about.  Let it go.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but it's a shower, not the wedding.  What does it matter if she's not there?!  If she was not coming and didn't have a reason, then maybe, maybe you have a reason to be upset...but, people have other things going on.

Answer 5

As a young women who recently lost her mother...

She is probably going through a lot right now having lost two family members. Her family needs her and she needs her family.

I think you are Out Of Line for feeling like she HAS to be there. Things happen. This is only a party, not the actual wedding.  You picked her for a reason, she must be a good friend at least, you should understand she is going through a lot right now and life isn't always about you.

EDIT:

Even if her event was not "planned" and she had the invite to the shower for months family STILL comes first and you should understand that.

So what if she is having an issue about not being the M.O.H, knowing that this may be the case do you really want her there anyway? It is good you made the extra efforts to take her out and pick out a top and include her, but really, get over it.

This is JUST a shower, she clearly has other things on her mind wedding related or not!

Answer 6

just forgive her, make it known that you really would like to have her there, but its ok if she cant. i mean truely... what is she going to do at the shower? it doesnt sound like shes helping out with it at all. try and let as many things as you can roll off your back so you dont turn into a "bridezilla"

good luck!

Answer 7

I wouldn't be too concerned about it.  It is only mandatory for your bridesmaid to be there if you make it that way.  I was a bridesmaid last year and I didn't go to the shower... it was 500 miles away and traveling was an issue.  The most important role she serves is to stand with you on your wedding day.

Answer 8

I agree with the others, it is only a shower, and not the actual wedding itself. If you think she is just making excuses not to be there, then are you sure you want her as a bridesmaid? The last thing you want is an unreliable bridesmaid. But losing her family members is probably a much greater deal to her then your wedding is, so have some consideration to her feelings and just let it slide. Just be there for your friend, and tell her it's okay. After all, it's not the end of the world, I'm sure you'll have a great shower with or without her.