HELP.....cannot cope with 2 yr old....any advice??

Question

HELP.....I have a 2.5 yr old. I am in the middle of divorce and custody case, my so called husband is NEVER around, he works almost 7 days a week and unfortunately still lives with us and just comes and goes as he pleases so is no helps at all.

My daughter has started acting up all the time, she is deliveratly naughty, I cannot get her to pick up any toys or do anything, she will not eat, and I have to say generally wearing me down. I know that it is the "terrible twos" but I have to cope and deal with it myself...24/7 with no breaks. I have no one to leave her with and no money to pay for childcare.

So what can I do, I am at breaking point and cannot cope with too much more, every day it is the same screaming and shouting at me if I ask her to do anything that she does not want to do.

Answer 1

Hi... sorry things are so tough right now.

All I can say is that they will get better - but only with a bit of work.  It sounds as if you would be much better off without her father being around you - you need to sort out that situation as your daughter is obviously picking up on all of the negative emotions flying around - do you and your ex argue a lot?  Even if she's in bed your daughter will hear and will pick up on this - it's not fair to make her live like that.  Be strong - kick him out and don't take no for an answer.  Then you can start rebuilding your lives.

To get a break - take her to a soft play centre - they are usually secure and well staffed and then you can have a sit down and a cup of tea - or even get on the frame and play with her.  It'll burn some of her energy.  Spend more quality time together - bed time stories, doing colouring - anything.  Just keep her as busy as possible and try and be as patient as possible.

Also, try rewarding her good behaviour and ignoring the bad - a start chart is great.  And give her lot's of love and cuddles and reassurance, as this is a hard time for her as well.

Good luck!!

Answer 2

2-3 is by far the worst age for children. Just stay strong and sit tight, you'll be through it soon.

Ohh and regardless of what they say, spanking does work to a certain extent. When she does something very "naughty" tell her exactly what she has done, bend her over your knee and give her a little spanking. After that sit her in time out for 3 minutes. Communicated with them and making them realize and understand what they did and why it is wrong is the most important thing.

If all else fails, call super nanny

Answer 3

Hi there.You sound really stressed out at the moment.I've been single since having my son and hes 2 1/2 now.What has worked for myself is staying calm in tough situations.Try not to ask her to do things-or atleast not now.First try to build a trust with her.For every tiny good thing she does encourage and praise her.Just so that she knows how much her 'kindness' is appreciated.Enjoy her company(even though sometimes we all want to have time alone) and have her involved in whatever you do.Work your way up from there.When asking her to 'tidy up' .If she says "no" explain that she doesn't 'have to' but if she did then there would be more space for her to play in...in other words,give her positive reasons as to why her "doing as shes told" would be fun/good for her.Also, have you heard of surestart?they do some great parent and toddler sessions(and they're free aswell)

I really think its important you sit down and speak to your 'so called husband' aswell.Is your daughter attached to him?Its likely that tensions in and around the house may be stressing her aswell.Children often pick up on when there parents are upset and try to get a reaction by wanting attention.This child is just as much his responsibility as it is yours.

Most importantly,remember to give your little one plenty of cuddles and remind her that you love her know matter what.This is just a phase-It wont last forever,and it most certainly doesn't mean you're a bad parent,we've all been there.Take care and all the best.regarde.

Answer 4

maybe she's acting out because she's sensing the tension between you guys.  children are very perceptive.  if you're uncomfortable in your home with your (ex) husband, she will feel that.  it might also be that it's not so much her acting out a lot more, but you being over stressed and not being able to cope with it as well as you used to.  there is a limit for everyone and maybe your (ex)husband has pushed you both to it.  i would try to reduce your stress a little by doing things with your daughter that you enjoy... not just her.  do you like relaxing on a blanket in the park with a picnic (that can be fun for both of you)? do you like going jogging with her (in the stroller of course)?  do you like swimming (you could take her to the public pool)?  do you gardening (she could help you)?  just find something that relaxes you and do it in a way that you can incorporate her.  hopefully a little quality, fun mommy and  me time will remind her who's in charge and that she's really loved and doesn't need to act out

Answer 5

your best friend will be the TOKEN ECONOMY. I promise!!!

Immidiate rewards for you and THEM.

They are possibly acting out more b.c of the change with their father. It really affects children who feel that negative behaviour gets them immidiate attention, they feel they lack (doesnt mean that they do!).

So Token economy gives them immidiate satisfaction for a job well done when they deserve it. Something they need to work for. You hav eto develop your own system and make sure you stay consistent.

If you decide on making each child their own jar -let them decorate it! (make them feel a part of it!)

find their favourite coloured beads or marbles and every time they do something right..ANYTHING (good behaviour, good drawing, cleaning up, eating MORE than you expected) Then you tell them to grab their marble and put it into their special jar -let them do it. It makes it exciting.

At the end of a week or a month (your choice!) they use their marbles to collect-as you would with adults and money. So you'd tell them before hand what the rules were- 5 marbles in on emonth only good for a quarter? is 10 marbles in a week good for 5 dollars to buy a toy at the dollar store or to get candy with? Does having 20 marbles each allow for a day bowling or to the park?

What will the rewards be? depends on your childrens personalities. What would catch their attention?

Yes 2 years old they can do this! sometimes works better with a sticker chart!

you can adjust it for her ag level. Pictures work well instead of words..etc..

Answer 6

My little girl is four now and will be going to school soon. My daughter was 2 an a half when my partner had an affair and left us. It was a tough time.

The best thing i did was getting her into playschool/nursery and going back to work for a few hours a day tax credits are great and you can get help with childcare and then when she is 3 you get free pre school. Could you get your husband to move out it's confusing for her and you. She knows when you are feeling stressed and this is probably affecting her it is also a hard time for them because they are still learning how to communicate. The best thing i do when my daughter is having a tantrum is to walk away, and wait for her to come to you then talk. I also have a good routine kids like to know where they are and whats coming next. I have also used reward charts have fun making your own.

I think she needs lots of love and cuddles and she needs to be kept busy, just like you. Don't wish this time with her away as she will soon be off to school and you will wonder where it all the went. Things will get better I'm sure if you feel bad send me a message it all sounds so easy but just remember she is your best friend and this will all be worth it x x

Answer 7

Get your soon to be ex the h**l out the door. You are not a bad mother, but letting a man walk all over you doesn't give you much chance with your little ones. You may not think they can see or feel your stress, but they can. If your husband is not around, he's not entitled to even fight a case. Some part may be terrible twos, but either get the man out of the house and things will start to calm down. Wait too long and your authority over the kids will be completely gone because there's no authority of your husband or him to you. Your living in a house where you were once married and now your sperating, the kids don't understand what's going on and are trying to cope with the fact that maybe they are the reason why their Dad is acting up.

Good luck my dear, keep working with the kids, they love you and they always will. Get a man that loves you as much as your babies do!

Take care.

Answer 8

At that age they really respond to reverse psychology. So tell her when she isn't eating say, "You are not alowd to eat this food, okay?" She will eat it! Works like a charm. I have never tried telling my son not to pick up his toys. Try it it may work! 2.-4 they usually start doing the exact opposite of what you say.

Answer 9

I think that just maybe you need some help, you are not a bad parent but everything is getting on top of you and this will come through to the child.  They are amazingly bright on picking up on "moods".  Have you tried your local health centre? They may be able to put you in touch with local Mums and Toddler groups, which I have to say I found marvellous.  Lots of young Mums all with similar problems to you, you can chat, your daughter will have a good time, and you may pick up some sound advice.  You may even be able to help look after each others children and give you a bit of a break.  Chin up, all this will be behind you one day.  Your daughter is at that age - honestly it will pass and she will go to Nursery, you will be divorced and can get on and live your life.  Things seem bleak but HONESTLY they will get better.  Go see what there is to do out there with your daughter, most things if you don't have much cash are subsidised.  GOOD LUCK. XX

Answer 10

Do you have any relatives that could help out until after the divorce is settled?

Answer 11

I have a few myself...I learned the hard way that sometimes you have to just break down and hold them...they are seeking attention. Small children and animals are sometimes smarter than the average bear and they really do sense when something is wrong...they get insecure.

You might alsom contact your local Department of Human services...with as little help as you are getting, they sometimes help provide single mommies with something we call respite care. It may be the break you need...

Answer 12

You might get more support from your soon to be ex if you threaten to give him custody.  Kids have two parents.  You don't have to be the only one who deals with this.  Meanwhile, regarding your daughter.  Take control, try timeouts (for both of you).  You need to tell her what she needs to do, not ask.  You are the one in charge, not her.  Contact Family and Children services and ask if they have counselling.  Don't hit her.  She's going through this divorce too, and you are the only person in the world she has.  Stay cool and good luck.

Answer 13

try taking her out for a walk.

Answer 14

Hello,

She is probably picking up on your stress and reacting to it.

Try setting up a strong structure/routine and include special one on one time with her that is just devoted to her and is fun for her.  

During the other times during the day, try to indirectly include her, ie...mommy has to clean, do you want to help...give her a "big person cleaning tool (like a duster) and then slip in, I'm picking up a toy, can you too...

Also, she should have consistent down time, where you can regroup and take care of you for a bit.

Lastly,decide which battles you want to pick with her ...some are just not worth fighting.

Good luck

Answer 15

the trick with food is. when she says she is hungry feed her,. but still try with meals. my cousin now 8. had the same problems.

i know its stressful but you could try finding somebody  who could look after your daughter for a few hours. with no charge.

ive been babysitting for about 5 years now. and i know some people who cant always afford it but need a break. and it doesnt really bother me. coz i know im helping out.

hope it goes okay.

Answer 16

This may seem harsh or mean but discipline.. be strong with your commands and if she does not obey put her in time out or give her a little spank.But if you show her that you are stressed out or that you are weak she will act up and think that you have no control over your life and that she should take control of hers.

By the way Please i strongly encourage you to talk to your husband about his unsteady hours and that he should have a schedule that is steady. Because children need some one strong to lead them and they need stability.

Answer 17

If you are in the uk look up HomeStart - they are volunteers who can come round your house and give you a break from the child (while you are still in the house), they befriend you and provide support and advice.

Answer 18

First, take a breath and try stepping back from the picture.

You must try to understand that this is a stressful time for your daughter, too.  Many people underestimate young children, but the truth is, that they know when something bad is happening.  Her whole world is changing and she may be acting out because of that---it's pretty hard to efficiently communicate her worries or anger at 2 1/2.  Add that to the fact that she is going through her "terrible twos" (named so because a child is beginning to see and understand really well, but unable to communicate which leads to frustration) and you have a big mess on your hands.

So on that score, I would say pick your battles wisely.  You want her to eat, but she won't.  Fine.  When she IS hungry, she will let you know.  If you're worried about nutrition, get those chocolate Ensure shakes and present them as chocolatey "treats".  Make food fun; ants on a log, pb & J cut up into fun cookiecutter shapes, etc.

She won't pick up her toys, and the more you yell, the more she acts stubbornly.  You don't want to ignore this, but maybe you could come up with a compromise.  Where does she play most often? Her bedroom?  the living room?  Maybe you could put a cardborad box (which you and she could decorate together) in the area she plays in most.  If she puts her toys in the cardboard box, they are at least being picked up, and you can go through the box every few days to put things in their proper places.  Expecting a 2 1/2 year old to clean up and put everyhting in it's exact proper place usually doesn't work.  At that age, they aren't exactl efficient little cleaner uppers yet.

And something for when she gets cranky or deliberatley naughty...(I do this with my daughter) try "relaxing time".  Lay with her on the couch or bed, and read/tell stories, talk about shapes and colors, rub each other's backs, make animal noises...but just keep the tone really calm and relaxing.  My daughter often will eventually fall asleep, allowing me to take a nap, get some alone time, or get some cleaning done.

As for you---surf the web and look up some visualization/relaxation techniques.  You are going through an obviously stressful time.  Are you sure there is absolutely no one that could babysit just for an hour or two once or twice a week?  Just to allow you to decompress?  If not, getting your daughter to take naps, or maybe relax and watch one of her favorite movies, will afford you time to relax yourself.  Tkae that time and use it wisely.  Read a chapter or two of a book you like.  Nap with your daughter.  Do some light stretching exercises.  Get on the computer and play a game, or cath up with your e-mails.  Don't take that small amount of downtime and use it for stressful stuff like battling with your (ex) husband, or filling out bills and paperwork.  You'll have plenty of time to do that when things ARE stressful, lol.

Hope that helps, and hang in there!

Answer 19

the thing you should do is re-direct her.  children at this age are notoriously evil.

If she has energy to scream, than she has energy to pick up.  i dont care what people say, a two year old can do simple tasks.  

I have 5 children, and im currently dealin with a 21month old.  My hubby is deployed, and I have to handle all of them on my own.  YES its d**n hard.  But, get over it.  Yes there are goin to be days when you want to give up, but get over it.  This is a phase, and it will pass.  more than likley she's picking up on the stress of your divorce also.  

If she doesn't want to eat what you give her, than fine leave it at the table and let her go.  dont offer anything else, a hungry tummy will always win.  

If she throws a fit, ignore it.  UNLESS she is hurting herself, and that cant be allowed.  BUT if you ignore her, she will come to realize that this action does not work.  

You have to realize she's only acting up cuz she has no vocabulary to get what she wants.   she has all these emotions, thoughts, all welling up, and no clue what to do with it.  

Patiences is the key with toddlers, the next is consistency.  Set up a schedule for her.  Make sure you stick to it no matter what.   given time, she's goin to be hungry at dinner time, ready for a bath at bath time, and tired as h**l for bedtime.   good luck

Answer 20

You need to breathe. You've got the hardest job there is, raising a child.

Your kid senses your frustration and is reacting to the feeling of instability.

Right now she is a sponge. Absorbing your ways of handling situations, pushing your limits to see what she can get away with and what she can not.

The moment you show that stress point, she's just going to push harder. Just to see your new reaction. She doesn't really want to see it though.

Try putting her in bed with classical music, or sitting her in her car seat on top of the dryer while its running, or pop some tylenol, sit in front of her and imitate all she does. Then she'll start imitating you.

Have you tried play dates with other Moms? Or "meet-ups"?

Start teaching her the alphabet or associating colors with her.

Good Luck. Much respect.

Answer 21

I also have a two year old and am living abroad with no family living close by.

Some things I have tried are:

Put an ad the the classifieds to babysit children around the same age as yours.  This helped my child tremendously to have others to play and learn from.  

It will also give YOU extra money.

Maybe also help you meet others mothers that will be willing to give you a break sometime.  

Take her to the park or for a walk.  Getting out of the house for awhile would always help us both.

Don't let her see you get stressed out, or sense this from you.  It sometimes make them act out because that is the only way they know to deal with it.

Good Luck!  I don't think you are a bad mother.  I have been in your shoes!!

Answer 22

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

Please go here as you will find people that understand your problem and there is help available.

Sometimes it helps on these pages to state in what area you live as people can only find you help if they know. Good luck.

PS. Please let me know if this helps.

Answer 23

I know just how you feel I also have no family around and my husband works odd hours and the worst part of toddler tantrums etc is when you can't get away and so lose perspective. I really feel for you I know how desperate things can feel but you have to remember that they are NOT as desperate as you think they are. Kids pick up on everything especially if you are tired, rundown, depressed etc and then they just go beserk so the first thing you need to focus on is to calm yourself down and realise what an ace job you are doing and how you can totally cope and you are more than enough to cope with a 2 year old. Honestly, you are, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. It can help to read a book, Toddler Taming by Christopher Green was good, he's an Australian, tells it like it is and if nothing else makes you feel normal to realise that everyone else has exactly the same problems!!

If you can find some time to yourself, pop your daughter in front of the TV with loads of junk food, whatever it takes to give yourself a half hour break to have a think and remember all the things you are doing right - she's clothed, fed, clean, and hasn't murdered anyone yet. then think about what you expect from her, and prioritise what is important and what is not. So crossing the road she HAS to do what you say but if she doesn't pick up her toys thats not so serious, once you see things more clearly they won't upset you so much and you won't feel such a failure. Get a treat system going - sticker chart or TV time or whatever. I have a little girl who's now 3 and they are amazingly stubborn but nothing upsets them more than if you just ignore their tantrums, then their crying becomes tears of sadness rather than of rage and frustration and you can then relent ask them if they want a cuddle and then do whatever you wanted her to do together, its long winded but its kind of gets the message across.

Answer 24

Sounds like my son when he was little... It continued like that until at 6 we put him into gymnastic class, 6 days a week. This physical exersion cured him, he became calm and nice.

Answer 25

With young ones like that it's hard. I used to watch that age group. What you need to do is set a certain naughty spot. Like at the bottom of the stairs or a certain place against the wall (not the corner). If she doesn't do what you ask, you put her there for two minutes. If she moves, don't scream or say anything. Just move her back with out saying anything. BUT of course when you put her there tell her "I am putting you here because you need to listen to mommy". Don't give her attention when she acts up. Just put her there. She is doing it to get attention. Show her that being bad doesn't get rewarded.

You have to make sure however when she is doing good you reward her and give her attention. She will start to learn that when she does something bad she doesn't get a reaction adn she has to stay in her spot. But when she is good she can get rewarded. :)

When she is older she will be good on her own but for right now, she's 2 and doesn't understand .

Good luck!

Answer 26

This is such a hard time for you, I went through a similar time for 3 years with my ex husband living in the same house as me and my son although leading separate lives. He has to be made to realise that its in his own interest to make some time to care for his daughter so their relationship can continue. She is no doubt suffering from the terrible stresses in the house at the moment and something must be done to alleviate that. Talk to him, not about how you feel but how important it is that he spends time with her, at least that will give you a well needed break. In the meantime. Be consistent with her, try not to shout or get angry (easier said than done I know) and just be loving but firm and give her lots of cuddles.  Ring parentline if you need someone to talk to immediately, they are wonderful.

My son was, and still is, very challenging so I really feel for you.

I really wish you well sweetie. x

Answer 27

Ok, deep breath and take a step back...

You are really stressed out and need a bit of time to yourself.

You said you don't have family - but what about your in-laws? Your daughters grand-parents on your ex's side?

Anyway I would suggest going back to the mum and toddler group - dont think about how the others have supportive partners (you never know what goes on behind closed doors!), go there with the intention of getting some sort of support network.

By that I mean, find someone who can baby sit for you on the the odd occassion and you for them - its just about a trade off so you - and the other mum - get a bit of time to yourselves.

You are doing well under the circumstances - but you also need to you get you ex involved in the the home arrangements. Draw up a domestic rota or something - you said he works long hours/ days but he must take some responsibility around the home and with his child. Even if he just takes your child out to the park for a few hours it gives you time to things you want to do.

Good luck.

Answer 28

Hiya. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment. Take a deep breath, you will get through it. No one thinks you're a bad parent, just totally stressed. Your child is probably picking up on your stress levels and reacting accordingly. She knows things are wrong, that her parents arn't happy and is reacting. Firstly, don't worry about food. She will not starve herself. Give her a variety of food, if she doesn't eat it, don't fuss. By making an issue out of it, it gives her more power.  I went through a long drawn out divorce with two young boys, no money and an absent father, he went for two years without seeing them and lived 5 miles away! It's not easy separating and living together at same time.  I feel for you, try getting out of the house as much as possible, take her to the park, wear her out so that she'll take a nap and give you some breathing space. Try not to engage in battles with her, calm bribery is useful - when you've picked up your toys you can have a ? or watch TV, or go to the park. Try toddler seasons again but don't talk with the sanctimonious 'perfect parents'! If your husband is working all the time at least he isn't around you to wind you up. You'll be stronger having got through this.

Answer 29

You really need to talk to someone, a neighbour,  a friend, some family member, just to get some emotional support for yourself. You're going through so much and need to be as strong as you can but having children is going to test your limits. Try and get in touch with other people in the same situation as you via support groups or just general penpal sites. I hope you get some help soon - and kick the soon to be ex-husband out of the house!!! Best wishes.