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HELP! i write books as a hobbie nothing serious, im 13 tell me what u think thank u?

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this a a extract from the story

The streets of New York were quiet, nothing was alive and nothing had motion. It was boxing day half seven in the evening most job workers of the big city were sleeping in their homes tired from all the fuss Christmas day had offered them. The mothers were satisfied with the joys which had been blessed on the families in this time of the year. Also the children who thought Santa existed were chuffed with there top of the range clothes and gifts which had been given to them on Christmas morning, however the family men were still recovering from all the debts that they owed to the manipulating bills and presents they could not afford. To make things worse they were also recovering from the hangovers which had been given to them from the brothers in laws and their obsession always to drink vodka on every celebration. It was a time of year they hated and despised however were hiding it to keep the children happy and keep safe from the desperate wives bellowing down their ears. They were now looking forward to nothing except a financial disaster for the new year on the other hand they were still praying for one thing. That the conference in the morning for the big boxing fight between the 2 black American fighters Lewis Carters and James Husky went well and the fight was to go forward.

By now it was eight o clock, paparazzi were outside the queens park palace waiting for Lewis Carters to arrive at the conference. He would often do this to build suspense in the atmosphere and get all the people from his home town, Brooklyn, to cheer him on when he got there. James Husky was already in the building., he was Lewis Carters opponent and is the heavy weight champion. He has been fighting professional for 25 years and has been undefeated since he had the belt- he has had eight fights since he had had won the title and has either knocked his opponents out within the first two rounds or they have got so hurt in the fight from his deadly combinations of punches that the coaches and trainers have thrown in the towel. It was going to be the best fight since Muhammad Ali and Joe Frasier fought it out in the famous fight known commonly as the thrilla in manila. Husky was a fairly tall man with a muscular build, he had a very quick reacting mind in the ring, he was a powerful puncher and the unordinary thing about him is that he can fight either orthodox or southpaw stance in the ring. He was given the nickname James the power man Husky after knocking Fredson juniour out in the 2nd round with a lethal uppercut which knocked one of fredsons moulders out of his mouth blood was all over the ring and it was classed to be one of the most memorable fights in history. What made it unordinary was this was when he was in the cruiser weight and the power of the punch was the equivalent of Geroge Foremans awesome hooks.. James always stay focused on the aim of the fight which is to win and that integrity and spirit has won him most of his fights. A characteristic which made him stand outside the ring was that he was very crotchety this was also the case after his fights and in public

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4 ANSWERS


  1. Very good since your 13 right?

    How many books have you written?


  2. That's superb considering you are only Thirteen.

    We have a author in making.

  3. For your age that is great!

    A few typing/grammar errors - just get an adult who is good in that area to check your work.

    Otherwise well done - keep at it!

  4. I am 14, and I don't like the fact that so many people are answering by saying "this is good considering you are thirteen". This is good anyway. Honestly!

    The story has quite a mature tone to it, so I think they mean that the maturity is impressive for a 13 year old, but anyway.

    Only one thing for me (maybe you don't agree, I don't mind)-

    "Also the children who thought Santa existed were CHUFFED with there top of the range clothes and gifts which had been given to them on Christmas morning, "

    This phrase is good, but "chuffed" always sounds to me like teenage slang as so many people I know use it as if it is so. Maybe you don't think of it this way, if you don't, then don't change it, this is just my opinion.

    From my point of view, the beginning sounds quite formal but then that word feels rather informal, therefore feels out of place.

    That's my only comment.

    Keep on writing!

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