HELP so CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question

HELP!!!! So confused I need Help!!!?

I am a married woman, 7 yrs now. We have had issues for the past 4 yrs, we were ok money wise but our s*x life sucked, we weren't as intimate as we should've been and the past yr it got worse because he lost his job. all the money issues were on me and I maintained as much as possible. So for the past yr we were totally disconnected. Our love life went from slim to none. I was going out on my own everywhere. With friends, the store, with family. Then about 6mths into our disconnection i met another man. We started talking and he became more than a friend. He doesn't know i'm married. We have been seeing eacother for 6 mths now. We are a couple, my hubby and i are separted legally now. but he still wants to work things out. My current man has a temper, is a hard worker but can't really get a job because he's a felon. So i can see problems in my future but i feel like i'm so in love with him. I have so much more to say if anyone has gone thru this please give me ur email add.

I do love my hubby but not in love with him. When i told him it was over it hurt me alot and i cried so much, why?? i dont get that. but i broke up with my BF so i can figure things out, and i miss him so much and i kow im in love. Or could it be lust? how do i tell the difference?

Answer 1

You started a new relationship, while still in one.  It was based on at least one, but probably more lies.  So, you're lying all the way around, and you are doomed.  Never start out on a lie.  Wake up.

Answer 2

Your sixth sense is telling you the right things.  Listen to it!!

What can this other man offer you?  You say he has a temper but do not go into details.  This is sufficient enough though to raise red flags.

If the only problem you had with your ex was s*x, then that is an easy-enough fix.  Address the problems.  Help for this is available for free on the Internet, but more so it becomes a question of both of you opening up and speaking freely about the issue that are (or aren't in the bedroom).  Nothing dictates that you have to make a decision immediately.  I mean, what will you lose by giving it more time and keeping both until you are CERTAIN of what is best for you?  NO relationship is perfect, and at 7 years they 'seem' to all go through an extra struggle period.  Don't settle for less than what is best for you and based on the minor details which you have supplied on this new guy, he does not sound right.  How do you know your new man is a hard-worker if he cannot get a job?  What was he convicted of?  You do not want to go from one relationship where money played a part, to another where money (and a bad temper) will be problematic.  

You did the right thing by getting some time to yourself.  Use it wisely and best of luck!!!

I have starred this question as I have contacts who are pretty bright and may offer some advice too.

Answer 3

I congratulate you on breaking up with the bf. you clearly need time to think. difference between lust or love? ...ask yourself what it is you miss about him, is it companionship? sense of security? how easy the relationship is? or is it someone's arms around you? the heat wave that comes with that certain look? or lets face it the s*x? It sounds to me like the only problems you had with your husband were in the bedroom, and the b/f with the temper problems and a felon (are the two related) seems to come with a whole new set of issues just waiting to happen. Stop looking at it as option a or b and go for option c.  

Answer 4

The simplest answer is that there are Five little words contained in a marriage vow...

"For better, or for worse"

Don't get me wrong, I definately understand your confusion and sympathize with you... but I would like to point something out.  I noticed that you were willing to keep chugging along and keep the family in tact for 4 years up until the point where he lost his job.  Keep in mind that a man's natural instinct is to provide for his family, and he can sometimes lose connectivity with the family in doing so.  To be fair, most men can sometimes think that "providing" means providing with material items (house, food, clothes, cars, etc...).  Rarely, does a man associate emotional support under the "provider" umbrella.  In my opinion, almost EVERY failed marriage is equally the fault of both parties!  Yeah, problems usually start with one person, but the other person is equally guilty if they just let it slide and don't communicate or express their true feelings about the issue at hand.

Based on your story, I have a feeling you cried so much because you felt like you didn't try hard enough to fix what was wrong.  You went into it already knowing you two had issues and you just decided to take the easy way out by just ending it.  If you went into it knowing you did everything in your power to make the marriage survive, and you truly felt he was the only reason it didn't work - then you wouldn't have cried so much!!!  

Sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone, and of course your husband wants to work it out.  So, why not go back to those 5 words you both repeated in your marriage vows and give him a shot!  You said you love him, but you're not "in" love with him.  Alicia Keys was right about love... you can fall in and out of love!

To your question about love or lust with your new guy friend -  You decided to finally end the heartache with your husband when the gravy train came to a stop after him losing his job.  Just like a man, a woman's natural instinct is to be with a man that can provide for her.  Your natural instincts kicked in when you realized your husband could no longer financially support you and you took on the burden.  If your heart is telling you that you love this new guy, and your mind is telling you he can probably never consistently provide for you... then you're more than likely lusting him.  Reason I say that is because you would technically be hooking up with a guy who doesn't have a job... However, at the same time that is also one of the main reasons you decided to end it with your husband!!  Love is unconditional, and it doesn't let the heart or mind differentiate between good and bad qualities in someone!  You're mind will intervene when there's a problem and give your heart a swift kick in the butt to let you know that you're in love with the "good" qualites ONLY!!!