HOW DO I DEAL W/ MIL?! she is jealous (she has said so), manipulative, and constantly all over my husband!?

Question

this is kind of long, but it has been bothering me forever and i really need advice!

first off let me tell you, my husband is in the military, and deployed overseas. when he comes home on leave, this woman is constantly calling from the minute he gets off the plane. She expects him to be with her more than with me (his own wife!), and if he is not, she makes it like "poor me! my son doesnt want to see me because he is too busy with his wife!" she is unbelievable, when my husband and I go over to visit, she is always hanging on him and always has to be near him, touching him, stroking him, and i mean she would sit on his lap if i wasn't there already! She even straddled him at one point while trying to give him a massage! It makes me feel uncomfortable and disgusted. We have cut down on going over there because of the games that she plays and how rude she has been towards me, but she always breaks down and cries to him so she can get her way!

She expects him to pay for EVERYTHING for her and her other children, whether its dinner, an outting, or a shopping spree. not to mention he just bought her a dining table, a sofa.loveseat.& recliner! If me and him go to dinner or lunch, then to her house, she cries because we didnt invite her or bring her anything back. If we tell the family how we went here or there, she gets this attitude like... "well iiii wasnt invited..."... and its like! PLEASE! im just trying to spend time with my husband ALONE! we payed for her and her other two kids on a trip to universal studios... and not ONCE did she even say thank you, in fact, she didnt even offer to pay for ONE thing! not even a SODA! she makes comments to my husband saying "oh, its okay... i understand you have a wife now, so.... i guess that means you wont be able to buy me my dream house..." (he promised to help her buy a house when he got back from deployment before we were married...)... then (before we were married and he got deployed, he gave her a power of attorney)... she goes and signs for a house in HIS NAME! She gives us no space, she invites herself over, and when I ask her when she is going to leave (because I have made plans prior to her inviting herself over), she laughs in my face and says "whenever I want!". its so rude! I try being nice and polite... but then she constantly walks all over me! When he comes home, she constantly has her kids calling my husband and telling him how she cries and misses him so much, yet... not once has SHE called him or written him a letter since he has been deployed! She tells me we (me and my husband) have to do this or that, and if we tell her that we have already made a decision, she starts pushing to get her way. if it doesnt go her way... she will MAKE it go her way!

am i overreacting? am i freaking out about nothing at all??? i cannot stand the woman... and i dont know WHAT to do with her!!!! somebody help meeee! just when i think things are getting better or maybe i was wrong... she goes and starts doing things like this again!

Answer 1

It really sounds like she has some mental problems, and is super possessive of her son, in a very, very unhealthy way.  How does he feel when she's fawning over him and being all touchy-feely?  Was she like this when he was a boy?  Quiet frankly, it makes me wanna PUKE!

She took things a bit far by buying a house in his name, and that is something that your husband has to deal with when he gets home. She is riding around on his credit, and yours, and needs to be stopped.  So, anything she has bought and put his name on, must be changed.  She could drag you both to the "poor house" it she's not stopped.

It sounds like she believes that your husband owes her.  Him marrying you, has put an obstacle in the way of her getting what she thinks, she is owed.  Everything she is doing now - the rudeness, the snide comments, etc  is aimed at pissing you off to the point that you leave, and also at making you look bad.  Anytime you mention to him that she's done something or said something, she will deny it - thus making you out to be a whiner and a ******.  If you leave - which is her most likely goal - she can then point out to him that you never loved him, weren't good enough for him, etc.

There is nothing you can do to change her behavior....because she won't change.  It's worked for her thus far, so why should she?

You CAN change how you react to her behavior though.  And you CAN find ways to short circuit her need to control your husband.

Make sure that you have plans for any extra cash or credit that you both have.  Make sure he knows that you are saving up for something special - he will be less likely to blow cash on his mom.

When she's making nasty comments or being rude, just laugh at her.  Hand it back to her - she obviously finds it funny that she can s***w you over...so do it back to her.  Laugh and say something like "You're a stitch...I don't know how anyone can possibly take you seriously..."  What you're saying, to her face, is that she's a joke...and everyone knows it.  You are also letting her know that her tactics don't even land on you - she can't win if she can't get you upset...which is what she wants.  It plays into her game perfectly when you are angry, upset, etc.  Don't give it to her.  

Also - when you know when hubby's coming home - say it's the 20th of the month.  DON'T LET HIM TELL HER.  Tell him you will do it.  Then, don't tell her the correct date.  Tell her it's the 27th.  Or the 5th of the next month.  Or the 12th of next month.

If she's not close by to know if he's home or not, and won't come over when he's not around, then she most likely won't find out.  Unplug the phone when he's home.  Unplug the answering machine to.  Have him all to yourself for those few, precious days.     Either that, or make arrangements to meet him at the base...and take him away to a private place for a week or relaxation and hot tub heaven.   The quiet time together will do both of your a world of good.

Should he be asked when he "got home" he can say that it wasn't until the 27th. Or the 12th.   "Home" being the key word here - he might have been in the country since the 20th, but he didn't actually enter the front door of your "home" until whenever.  He won't have to lie, will he?

You really need to talk to your husband about her.  If you can, because  he may or may not see her for the way she is, video tape some of this nonsense.  Don't just record it...get it on film if possible.  It will be hard for him to discount what you say when it's presented to him that way.  Not that he doesn't believe you....but with her on the other side denying it, he's caught in the middle and probably won't make a move in either direction because he risks hurting someones feelings no matter what he does.

Lastly - It really sucks.  I know how you feel. My former MIL was nasty toward me too...but not as nasty as she could have been, apparently.   My husband couldn't see how manipulative she was, even though I tried countless times to point it out.  Only after our divorce did he see it, when she openly treated his new gf like sh*t...refusing to allow her in the house at Christmas because she was "a w***e" for sleeping with her son before marriage, and also for having been married before and having two kids.  It was only then that he severed ties with her and saw what a negative impact she'd had on his life, but it was too late for us.

I hope in your case it won't come that late.  

Good Luck.

Answer 2

No, you are not overreacting. In fact, you're seriously under-reacting. Also, it sounds like you and your husband are enabling her. Why can't your husband put his foot down and tell her that he's married now and that they can't have a relationship, at all, because she doesn't know when to quit? He needs to grow a pair.

I've been married for almost 10 years now and if my husband allowed another woman to intrude like that, he'd have to choose between her or me. Is your husband having an affair with her? Is she psycho? Is she his ex-girlfriend?

He needs to stay away from her and it sounds like you both need to stay away from her, completely. Don't answer her calls and when she comes over, don't answer the door. Also, STOP GOING TO HER HOUSE! It's the equivalent of telling her that you're okay with her hitting on your husband.

If you don't get the situation under control you're going to have much bigger problems with him and her. Your marriage comes first and she can find another sugar daddy. If your husband won't let her go then you need to let him go. That relationship is just not normal, at all. You may need to go as far as a threatening a restraining order on her.

Your husband should be angry that she treats you that way! Who's side is he on, anyway?

Good luck with that.

Answer 3

Wow she sounds horrible!! Some people are just evil and should be cut from your life, but since she's family, I guess you can't do that!

Tolerance and setting boundaries would be my advice. Tell her what she is welcome to do (with regards to visiting, making comments about your relationship with your husband, expecting invitations on your dates etc) and let her know that if she doesn't respect you, then you won't spend time with her. Set your expectations and then reward or punish her if she does / doesn't meet them. Imagine it a little bit like training a dog!! Except I guess a dog would be a lot cuter....

By the way, how does your husband feel about this? Is he bothered by this behaviour? Because I think you need his support in getting some change.

Answer 4

If it really is this bad, by giving in to her all the time your husband is treating her like a spoiled child and letting her have her own way every time she throws a tantrum.  Bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded by an adult or child.  If your husband doesn't make a stand, there really isn't much you can do. Except move.

Answer 5

Mother in laws are probably the number 1 problem here on Q&A so welcome to the club. The biggest prblem being without upsetting the family status quo,there is very little you can do other than praying she moves on extremely quickly. The biggest thing Ive noticed is that if mil gets her claws into your marriage its practically impossible to undo so the greatest thing one can do to save their marriage is to tell mil to butt out now and forever whether its hurts her feelings or not but it sure will solve problems like yours from happening. Since none of us is usually good enough to marry their son/daughter, we really have nothing to lose, so telling her where her place is, wont change a thing. So like the 50s song about mils says shes the same thing thing as Satan and sent from h**l, and even makes their pet nervous. So as she has her claws into your marriage there is very little you can do except accept the situation and pray

Answer 6

Have you ever tried telling her how you feel?  Don't be mean about it, but let her know you want to talk to her - just the two of you - and go over everything that bothers you and why.  Tell her how the way she acts makes you feel and that you do want her in your lives but more on your own terms.  You may be surprised - she may not react as poorly as you're probably thinking she will.  You sure have nothing to lose, and if she doesn't respond well you will still look like the good guy for really trying.  Good luck!

Answer 7

Didn't you ask this same thing about 2 months ago?  If it wasn't you, then someone else is married to your husband, because the details are identical.

Has your husband canceled the power of attorney that she held?  If not, he's asking for trouble.

As for the rest of it .... Honey, you married a man with no balls and no backbone.  His mother is never going to listen to you, so you need to just shut up.  Until HE learns to deal with her and put her in her place, she's going to stay right in between the two of you.

Now get to counseling and learn how to stop being so uptight about his mom.  And make him go so he can learn how to deal with her.

Then move somewhere that she can't come around.  Stop telling her where you've been, don't offer to pay for things or bring her anything.  If she shows up at your door uninvited, don't let her in.  If she has a key, change the locks.  Put in an alarm system and don't give her the code.  You get the idea.

She will always have just as much control as your husband lets her have.

Answer 8

Wow!

You truly have the mother-in-law from h**l-

and you have all of my sympathy.

And no- you are NOT overreacting.

First of all, let me say this-

People cannot do to you what you

do not allow.

That being said,

Your mother-in-law is acting

like a spoiled child instead of an adult.

Obviously, she has been allowed to get away

with this sort of behavior for far too long.

Your husband has truly been far more

generous to his mother than she deserves.

It's way, way past time to cut those

apron strings!

Your husband (with your support, of course)

needs to tell his mother in no uncertain terms

he can no longer afford to support 2 families-

hers and the one he is trying to build with you.

If you don't put an end to this, her behavior will only continue to escalate, and eventually she will succeed in driving a wedge between you and your spouse.

For reasons that are unclear to me-

it appears that your mother-in-law

views her son as some sort of

substitute husband.

Her seductive behavior towards him

is clearly embarrassing and unhealthy.

I find her lack of respect for you

as  a person and her invasion of your

privacy totally appalling.

I can't help but wonder how your husband

feels about the way his mother treats you.

You and your husband have to confront

his mother together, and show her that

you both are on the same page.

Since your mother-in-law  seems to

enjoy acting like a child

I would suggest you set some rules for her,

as you would a child.

Phone Rules:

Tell her she is allowed to call as long as

she doesn't cry, whine, beg, borrow,

plead, insult, criticize,

or try to guilt anyone about anything.

Tell her the minute she begins to do

anything of these things, the

phone conversation whether with you

or your husband will be immediately terminated.

If she then has her kids calling to do

the whining for her- then either you or your

husband should politely end the phone with them-

After all, it's not their fault they have

to live with her.

House Rules:

She can come for a visit ONLY when she

has been invited.  

If she decides to show up unexpectedly,

she will be told it is an inconvenient

time for her to visit,

shown the door and asked to leave.

If she does not leave when asked,

tell her she will no longer be

welcome in your home.

if she has been invited, and then

exhibits rude behavior, simply

tell her, "I don't appreciate what

you are saying or the manner in

which you are speaking to me.

I am tired of being disrespected in

my own home, and I think it best

you leave now, before I say something

YOU will regret."

If she starts whining and crying,

just hand her a tissue and show

her the door. No doubt she will

attempt to enlist your husband's

sympathy by saying  something along

the lines  of:

"Are you going to let her treat me this way?"

Your husband should reply:

"Until you learn to respect my wife,

and my relationship with my wife-

I'm sorry, but yes I am."

And then, HE should be the one

to show her the door.

Decision Making:

Once you and your husband  make

a joint decision- that's it.

She has no say-so.

If she continues attempting to get

her way-

ask her to leave, hang up the phone,

walk away, or leave her house.  

Do whatever it takes to make her

understand that you do not need

or want her opinion.

Do this & stick together on it,

and she will NOT be able to MAKE

things go her way, as long as

you and your husband present

a united front.

Misc:

If you and your spouse go out

to dinner together and then

go to visit her afterwards,

and she whines because she

was not invited or because you

did not bring her back a 'doggy bag'.

You have one of two choices;

Either don't tell her you went out,

or else tell her that had you wanted

her along, you would have invited her.

Your husband needs to understand that

his mother is only crying 'crocodile tears'

as a means of manipulating and guilting him

into getting her way.

His mother is a very selfish,

self-centered needy individual.

Your husband doesn't have to stop loving her-

but until her behavior changes

(although I seriously doubt it will)

he needs to put some distance

between the two of them, and start

concentrating on his relationship with you.

You  and your spouse need to realize

that when you both begin to put your foot

down in regards to his mother's behavior-

she will  immediately start trying to

pull out all stops in trying to maintain

that death grip she has on her son.

It won't be pretty, and it may leave both

of you upset and emotionally shaken

every time you have to deal with her.

The two of you may even argue about

it to some degree-

but just hold fast and stick to your guns.

At the very least, the two of you

will have less stress from not having

to deal with her all of the time.

She may or may not come around eventually.

However-

One thing she may learn is that if she

hopes to have any sort of relationship with

her son, then she will need to start treating

him as the adult man that he is, instead of

her servant and whipping boy.

I can say all of these things

because I am a M-I-L-

a non-interfering one.

Wish both of you the best-

just tough it out and you will be okay.

Answer 9

you are not over reacting! That mom has MAJOR control issues.... She went and bought a house in his name, when he wad deployed? I mean, yeah, legally she could, but morally.... no.....

This is something that your husband has to take care of. He needs to put his foot down. You need to have the power of attorney when he is deployed, she needs to grow up and get a life. Let your husband know how much this is bothering you. His mom gets away with it, because he lets her. Do you to have kids yet? Threaten to move far far away from her, so she will never see him or the future grand kids. Your husband has to be honest with her, and don't give into her pouty face or crying. SHE IS A GROWN WOMAN! She should be ashamed of herself for acting in such a way. Your husband has to deal with this.  Before it ruins your marriage. He has enough to deal with while deployed, he shouldn't have to worry about if his mother is treating his wife well.

Answer 10

Dear Advice Seeker:

Here's my favorite advice-call a family meeting!

Get all parties together in one room and explain that several events are what has prompted a need for the meeting then look the mother square in the face and tell her that she has been the catalyst for a lot of your pain and discomfort and her inappropriate behavior with her son will no longer be tolerated.  Tell your husband that you married him because you love him but you are NOT married to his mother and therefore do not have to put up with such insensitive behavior.

Tell your mother-n-law to consider it a warning but should the behavior continue you will seek other avenues like family members her age to discuss her behavior and tell her son if he continues to allow such incestuous behaviors to continue--you will be filing for divorce.

Sounds like she needs a husband or a military man of her own--little cougar!  And she also sounds a little emotionally and mentally unstable--suggest counseling for her acts and tell her you nor he will be visiting until she addresses the issue nor is she permitted in your home!

That'll show her.  And if not, walk!

Answer 11

Man, the very first thing I would do would be to work on nullifying that power of attorney.  He may have done that for her to take care of his things while he was deployed before he married you, but he's got you to take care of his business now.

You don't mention a father in law anywhere, so I assume there isn't one.  It sounds like she has transferred her attachment and dependence to her son.  She "needs" him, and somewhere along the line he was flattered by it and allowed it.  Now she's scared her cash cow has found greener pastures and she's in a panic, so she's going to go out of her way to get rid of you and re-establish the staus quo she depends on.  

This situation will never be righted without your HUSBAND wanting it to stop.  He is the one who is going to have to put a stop to it.  You can complaing till you're blue in the face but nothing will change until HE wants it to.  He has to choose his mother or his wife, because that is what his mother has turned the situation into.  Good luck with this one.  

Answer 12

What does your husband say about all this?  It really sounds like she's way out of control.  If I were you, I'd talk to your husband about being transferred somewhere else.  

Answer 13

How to deal with a crazy psychotic mother in law:

First, talk to your husband about it. I'm sure he's not happy with the fact his mom is so clingy and treats his wife like c**p and has to pay for everything even though she is an adult as well. Moms can do that sometimes.They feel like because they spent so much time and money raising their child, once that child becomes an adult, they should somewhat, you know, "repay" them by taking time and money out of their lives to suit their mother's needs. She needs to understand that your husband is an adult she she is his mother, and therefore she should let him live his own life. Grown men hate when their mommy is harping over them all the time. You and your husband need to both confront her and tell her that as much as you love her, you guys are busy with your own lives and she is acting like a baby by crying all the time and not paying squat for anything including HER OWN home furnishings. Tell her that you guys need space. That doesn't mean you'll never see her, you'll just need to see less of her. Your husband should explain that it is not acceptable for her to be rude to his wife. Put what you said into effect immediately. If she has a key to your house, change the locks. Consider moving (not too far away) and if she is always calling you, change on your cell phones numbers so she can't call both of you all the time.

Answer 14

I think you are referencing your mother in law. This situation did not develop in one day. its a life time of your husband, her son not saying to her what needs to be said. He needs to put his foot down. Tell your husband the next time he comes home not to notify his mother for a few days till after he is home awhile. then limit his visits to her without YOU.. dont go. Hes not going to change and it upsets you. let him see his mother and relatives on his time without you. Take up knitting or something to do while he is out. HE needs to tell her he isnt going to buy her furniture and stuff. IF hes not telling her , he must want to.

You dont have to tell her all your plans or include her in your plans.

When she pulls why didnt you bring me something.. say we didnt can afford to take you out everytime we go out.

Either you and your husband will have an agreement on the limits he will place on her. or you wont.

you cant change his family behavior. change how you participate and feel about it.

Answer 15

omg are you serious, who is this women, and where does she know you're hsuband from... I don't know how you guys could even let this get so far.  and what does you're husband has to say about all this crazyness. You have all the right in the world to tell her to shut up and get out of you're house and to never come back until you invite her and she learns some respect.

Answer 16

Wow.   bookshop said it all.  All I can say is that your husband is going to have to be the one to realize what an appropriate relationship with a mother is.  He is not obligated to pay for anything for her.  He really needs to step back and look at how she is acting and it is not normal.

A mother should want her child to be happy in their marriage and not interfere with them.  This woman has done this to him all of his life and he is not realizing it.

Tell him that he must change the relationship with her and not feel guilty.  If he has a problem with this, and he probably will, he needs counseling.

Answer 17

get a restraining order. file her for harassment. she's off the deep end.

or, hire a rabid pack of monkeys to slit her throat. should shut the ****** up for a while.

Answer 18

Honey, I'm sorry, but hubby needs to stand up to her and tell her where to go and how to get there!  The Bible says that the husband leaves his parents and cleaves to his WIFE, not the other way around.  She needs to be put in her place!  You have every right to be upset, and I'm sorry, but if it were me, he'd be told to choose between me or his mother!

I go through somewhat the same thing with my MIL, and I despise her just as much as you do your own MIL.  Hubby was told he could live with me OR his mother, not both.  He decided it was time to stand up to her and tell her how the cow eats the cabbage.  She no longer runs our lives, or oversteps her boundaries because she knows that not only will I not put up with it, but neither will her son.  

Your MIL continues to overstep her bounds, because he's allowing her to.  By him not saying anything when she does things like that, it's like an unspoken agreement with him that her actions are ok.  They're NOT ok, and HE needs to be the one to tell her they're not.  If he puts his foot down with her, she'll get the point and stop it.  Until such time as he puts a stop to it, she's seeing that it's ok and will continue to be his 'wife,' instead of his mother!

You're not overreacting.  Anyone in your shoes would've already stepped up and told her where she could go!  I did my MIL!  Sit hubby down and tell him something has to be done.  She may cry, but she'll get over it!  In fact, let her cry!  She needs to grow up!  He needs to cut her apron strings for her and tell her until such time as she acts like his MOTHER and steps out his business, all ties are cut, that he doesn't want calls saying she's crying, he doesn't want to hear her crying...he has a wife and he's devoted to his wife!  That the two of you have a life, and she's not the main character in your lives, so she needs to back off!!

She'll get it!  As long as the two of you stick to your guns, she'll realize that it's either his way or the highway and if she wants to see her son, she'll back off!  Man up!

God's blessings on you and yours...Always!

Answer 19

I think it's time to stay as far away from her as possible.  You need to let your husband know how you are feeling and see if he might be willing to have you move far from her.  I'd try my hardest to cut all ties with her.  She sounds like an awful woman and a relationship like that with one's son can't be healthy. As a mother of two, I'd be disgusted if either of my children did that to me.  It sounds like a reverse Oedipus complex.  Where she is in love with him beyond that of a parent.  I'd also recommend she get some help from a psychiatrist, sounds like she needs it.  Sorry and i hope this helps.  If it doesn't, I hope something does.  

Answer 20

Your husband is VERY wrong for letting this happen. If he loved you he wouldn't let another woman (from his PAST) make you feel this way. I say he's the one doing all the wrong here by encouraging it.

Answer 21

This is NOT the way it works!!!!

He Married YOU....You are his new Family.

Either she accepts this or there is NO communication What-so-ever!!!!!

Now, go have a nice life with your Bride, and leave Mama alone so she can finally GROW UP !!!!!