HOW DO I GET PAST THE HEARTBREAK OF MY HUSBANDS AFFAIR?

Question

OK, my husband of 15 years had an affair. I fought like h**l to save my marriage and won. I didn't realize how hard it would be to get over this affair ( it only ended 3 weeks ago). Please give me advice on how to stop the dreams, visuals, thoughts, and fears of it happening again (I'm only worried about this one person he had an affair with, not any other women). The only thing I get is "it takes time." Is this really the only advice or does anyone have a magic wand for me? The sadness and heartbreak is consuming and I so badly want to get past this. Do I just need to suck it up and move forward or what?

Answer 1

It will take a lot longer than three weeks to heal from this emotional trauma!  Just being able to make it through the day at 3 weeks is doing well.  Your really early in the healing process.  

Trust takes time and lots of effort to rebuild.  Your husband will slowly earn that trust by being very open, transparent and accountable.   It's a difficult road, but it can be done.  

The obsessive thoughts, mental images are part of the severe emotional roller coaster that most betrayed spouses go through.  It does get better with time, they do fade as you start to work through the issues and rebuild trust.

People will tell you to 'forgive and forget'.  Oh, should it be so simple!

Short of a lobotomy, you will not forget, but it will become easier to suppress over time and the day will come when you realize that you haven't thought of the affair all day!  But, that is most likely a year or more away at least.  

A strong affair recovery forum, one that will support your efforts to rebuild your marriage will help a lot.  Look into finding a counselor certified in couples counseling and experienced with infidelity.  

Marriages can survive this horrible time.  It will take lots of work and commitment from both of you to get through the next two years.  

Some resources that might help:

A good book:

"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES about affair recovery. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTal...

A few other helpful sites:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/

http://marriagebuilders.com/

http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/

Some support groups for those dealing with infidelity that you may find very helpful:

http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

http://survivinginfidelity.com/

An ebook written for the former wayward spouse, to help them understand what is needed to help the betrayed spouse and earn trust again.

http://aftertheaffair.net/

Answer 2

have y our own affair and hate F@#$ the person.

im available!

Answer 3

All you can do is take your time with this and to seek marriage counseling. There isn't a magic wand that you can wave because this other woman is still a threat to your marriage.  It just ended 3 weeks ago, but how long did it go on for?  You fought to save your marriage, so you have to try to work on things now.  It's hard, but you have to put this behind you and basically start over by giving your husband a clean slate. That means letting go of the pain and not reminding him of his mistake.

When you are having those thoughts of him with her, you have to stop yourself.  Replace these thoughts with ones of you with him, of your past, of your family anything that will make you happy.  Learn to quiet your mind and learn how to meditate.  Then you can focus on positive images when the negative ones appear.  Good luck.

Answer 4

To be honest it's difficult. And although you forgive you don't forget,especially since it's only been a short while. It can help to go to a marriage counselor, either alone or with your husband. It does take time to begin to trust again and alot of it depends on your husbands attitude and support of you. I wish you peace.

Answer 5

It took me 2 years...and still sometimes I still feel so angry! You will never get over it but it can and will get better. No advice on how to stop the pain for now. It really does take time and for your husband to be completely honest, and understanding. God bless.

Answer 6

You need to decide if you want to stay. If you do then you might want to get some help with this situation, if you don't want to then maybe go to Church or maybe you can have a venting session with him where you have a time set and you get to let it all out how it made you feel and all and how it's hurting you now even though it's over. I am sure when you firs tfound out you vented but at first it was probably out of hurt anger and so on. You need to vent when you have had time to absorb whats gone on and you know how you feel. The biggest thing is that if you stay it's not something that can be thrown in his face over and over or it'll never work. Once you have vented pray alot and maybe even work on some things in your message like going out more often or spending time together at home or the movies something to work on bringing you closer. Three weeks isn't alot of time and while time heals alot of things an affair is something that can haunt you forever if you let it. Try different ways to get your mind off of it during the day like always have something else in your mind in case it appears you can switch your thinking skills. But to be honest it will only work if you really want it to and you are willing to let it go. I think help is the best. As I'm sure there's alot of whys and questions about her. You need to know it's not your fault no matter what. Good Luck and Pray God can make it all possibble for you

Answer 7

It does take time, alot of time. It also takes alot of work and commitment from both people to regain the trust that was lost. It can be done but unfortunately it seems most couiples dont have the paience or desire to stick it out long enough. As for the heartbreak, I dont think it ever goes away completely. Its something you have to learn to deal with the best you can

Answer 8

First off 3 weeks is nothing. You have to decide if you really want to forgive him. If you do then you will have to REALLY forgive him instead of torturing him and you. Sorry to say but it will take some time.

Answer 9

Coming from the one who cheated.....

Every one of us who does that, has their own DUMBA$$ reasons on why.

Take into account your mental knowledge of everything you "thought" you had, has now been flushed down the toilet and you have to "start over".

Yes dear, it's just going to take time...there is NO magic wand, no way he can stop what's been done, nothing!

"suck it up??"....no be angry at him, let him know you're hurt, let him know how it's "killing" you inside.......not to keep slapping him in the face, but if he truly loves you, he has to know what he's done wrong and what it has done to you.

My hubby and I still (it's been 5 years) at times get into the I hurt him by what I've done talks...I know you are saying c**p that long, but sometimes it still hurts him and he needs to tell me, that's ok.

ON EDIT:

It gets easier with time, but I don't think it will ever truly go away for him, and for me, that's the worst part, I hurt him and it will never go away.

Advice:

Live day by day, there are going to be big challenges with this one, but if I can do it, you can too.

LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!

Good luck honey!!

Answer 10

Affairs start when marriages break down,not the other way round.Take time to think what caused your marriage to break down and what you can/will do to strengthen your marriage.In order to do this you will need the guidance of a trained counsellor,so don't hesitate to seek counselling for both of you.Your heartache will take a long time,perhaps years to go away.Suggestion: spend time on old/new activities that you enjoy/ed doing together and relight old romance.Good luck!

Answer 11

you know I went and still is going thru the same phase....3 weeks ago is still too soon to try and get over anything.  Give yourself time to hurt, grieve, come to grips with what's going on in your life.  We are not talking about some dude you were kicking it with....this is your HUSBAND, the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with.  The man you gave birth to kids for, I mean he is your everything, then for him to betray you and break that trust.....OMG!!  I have been there.  I tried to work on it and get past it for 3 yrs.  Those thoughts, and feelings will never EVER go away.  The best advice I can give from my own personal experience is to give the marriage a break.  Not today, not saying leave, but space in togetherness.  Talk things out, and see if he is trying to rebuild your trust.  He needs to be an open book.  He needs to come clear and answer all, and I do mean ALL of your questions about the affiar.  Any hesitation on his part....you can forget it.  What I decided to do with my marriage is to leave and start a new.  Let my old relationship/marriage with him die and be reborn a new.  So that 1 of the 2 will happen.  1. we reconcile and I not tourture myself with the past and move on from his affair, or 2. heal myself and wounds to be able to love again.  It's a win-win to me, b/c you come first.  Not the ego you, but the love for you internally.  If you are not happy, and don't love you, then everyone in your immediate circle comes up short.

Answer 12

I've been through this.

Forgiveness is difficult, for a couple reasons:

You want to forgive, and salvage your relationship, yet something in the back of your mind tells you that if you do forgive him, that you're letting him 'get away with it'.

You may not realize this on the surface, so really think on this one point for a while...

He may have apologized, changed his behavior, and is trying hard to make you trust him, etc., (and he SHOULD be doing all those things), but you feel like he hasn't been punished enough if you 'snap back to normal', right? Like, if you do that, he got away with it, or that it's not fair, and maybe you should do the same thing to 'pay him back', right?

That's the hard part - getting past those feelings.

But it's not your job to punish him.

If you think it is, then you won't be able to fix your marriage.

Be clear with him, that it's going to take a long time for you to get over it, and that he needs to be very loving, and do things that make you feel special again.

If that happens, over time you can heal.

But you will NEVER heal if you insist on feeling like he needs to be punished more than he has, or whatever, because that is NOT forgiveness.

Answer 13

Getting over an affair does take time...It has only been 3 weeks!  You can ONLY get past his affair by making a conscience choice to forgive him and work on your marriage...You can eventually forgive him...but you won't ever forget....and you will need to get into therapy...this isn't something that you and your husband can fix on your own....I wish the best for you....

Answer 14

I have been in the situation that you are in but I have been here for 3 years.  My husband had an affair and I found out about it.  We almost divorced, but I hung in there and fought.  My husband begged me to take him back time and time again.  They were even living together and we finally moved his stuff home.  I felt as though I had won too because he was moving away from her back into our house.  But as soon as we got home, I had an overwhelming feeling that it just wasn't the right thing to do.  We constantly fought and I just couldn't forgive him.  He ended up moving back in with her.  It didn't last long.  He was still asking to come home and after 8 more months I finally let him come home.  

Somedays I wonder what I really won.  I got back a husband but not the man that I married.  We have both changed so much and it's hard to find common ground now.  There are days when I want to yell at him because of all he put me through.  But then I think that will just push him away again and his temptation is just down the road. You will have days when all you can think about is your husband with the other woman.  But you just have to be strong.  Remember that he is with you now.  It's okay to feel these things and yes it will take time.  If you find a magic wand that helps you forget, please send it my way!