HOW do I tell someone I'm becoming close to that I can not and probably will not be able to love him?

Question

Romantically. We have not been sexually involved.

We spend more and more time together and we communicate very well. We have similar wit. We both love having fun and so we do. We enjoy simple things. Walking long distances in the park. Finding a place to sit and share a picnic. We go to farm dances. We laugh till we wonder what it is we're laughing about. We Like each other...that is evident, but..t - We exchange all kinds of things we have gone through in our lives but we never judge one another, in fact we seem to find the compassion to understand what a response should be before we give it, as if intuitively we understood why we must not hurt one another. I've spoken of this man before, he is a manager at a supermarket very near me. I had known him before for quite some time because of the awkwardness he'd show at seeing me. I used to laugh with a teasing delight until with greater, EVEN, awkwardness he asked me to go to the State Fair as his date. Since then we've done many fun things, And yesterday we went on a motorcycle ride, and I was really reluctant to place my arms around him, lest he be "reading" the nature of my hold to him, which was for safety. Today, I am going to a family Barbecue given by his uncle. I already accepted...But how do I tell him it may be impossible t for me to love him as I intuit he wants to be loved? He is clingy where I am not at all.

He's demonstrative in ways that frighten me to death. He tells me things that I know are genuinely from his heart, but my responses are distant, remote, at times even cold. I believe I am afraid to love him. Although I know he deserves it. I KNOW HE KNOWS HE MUST NOT DARE TO SAY HE LOVES ME!!!

What would you advice me to do???

I have yet not really explained how remote I am for reasons of my past, I'd trust.

Yet I have so much fun with him, and we are so alike, so good together..almost like teens would be, or great buddies, when we spend our time together, that I know I'd hate to lose him if I simply cut everything OFF! Which is something I am almost an expert at doing..."sending him forever to the distant CORNFIELD out of my mind" a place where he'd never be allowed to come back..for there, he'll only be another "Jack in the Box" in order for me to feel fiercely independent - not ever having to depend on any love for anyone, since I feel his would eventually diminish toward me. Inevitably!

What should I do.

How do I go along with this?

Do I abruptly cut it off or give it time, firstly explaining certain oddities about me?

Anyone give an opinion?

Ma, if you are there would you offer me your wise one.

I am caught in something I can't decide, this time, alone!

Thank you for any help if you can offer it, people!

Grecia.

Answer 1

i am on the other side of a situation that i think is the same.  i believe that you are looking at him as being the problem when the problem could very well be with you.  what is it with women who have been hurt, desiring the romance, the closeness, the companionship, and when they get it they block it out?  i've seen it, and i've lived it, and i don't even think it has to do with feelings, i know if there isn't love there, that's just the way it is, but i don't think that's the situation, i think it's some sort of mechnism to keep the possibility of pain away, well everything comes with risks, if you're not willing to take a chance on something great, you arn't going to have something great.  do you realize that you described in your own words the guy that you want and its the guy who wants you?  do you find that strange?  just let yourself go, give this a chance, you may be pleasantly surprised, and what do you or him stand to loose?  it will hurt him if you leave now or later.  it may just hurt you more.

Answer 2

Wow. I think you and I are very similar. I, too, am stubbornly independent and don't know if I will ever 'give in' and love again (in that over-powering romantic way). I don't fully know if I want to. Over the years I have managed to be 'friends' with many but only one man has been able to remain close. The others insisted on more and would run when I explained that I didn't feel the same. I am currently having trouble with yet another ... he is very reluctant to disappear though (although he would admit that he is having trouble being just friends). I don't know what you should do. He sounds like a very positive influence in your life.  I wouldn't cut it off. TALK TO HIM and try your best to fully explain how you are hesitant. Try a "Nothing ventured"  or 'life is for living' outlook ... you know all the quotes! Possibly he can cope with a friendship (not many can do the 'friend with benefits' role, so I am finding)? But can you? Maybe it's time to explore how far your emotions really can go? Maybe this is the person who teaches you to go the distance?

I feel for you, hun! I wish you the best.  

Answer 3

That's sad, of course, for him, since he is obviously quite taken with you.

You tell him gently, choosing your moment. Emphasizing how much he means to you, and that it is not because of anything he lacks or has done, but it is because of you, your  hang up (sorry, don't mean that derogatorily).  Tell him simply, and add that you know it will hurt him, and how you wish it wouldn't, that you want to be his friend always.

Meanwhile, you need some counseling, that is if you want to work on your extreme independence.  If you never want an intimate relationship, then no, no counseling.  But that can be a lonely life.  Relationship, love affairs, marriage these days are all challenging and difficult.  Me, after nearly 18 years of marriage and a divorce--I am happy, really, being single (I am close to my daughters and grandchildren), but that's me.  You must, of course, decide what is best for you.