HOW do I write a letter to an 18 year old adoptee?

Question

Having never been told he was adopted from outside of family lines?

Answer 1

it seems you have already decided on a letter as the best plan to inform him.  I would consider having a neutral person who knows the young man tell him, and offer to arrange meeting with birth parents when he feels ready.

He does have a right to know.  Great care should be taken in how he is informed.  A letter leaves him sitting with a piece of paper, instead of with another human being to offer him company and support while he grapples with this big new piece of information about himself and his life.

Sensitivity to him and his feelings and his situation now will be in everyone's interests in the long run  

Answer 2

i would leave it alone. it's up to his parents to tell her first. is this your kid or a relatives kid, b/c if it's not you're child maybe you should stay out of it. but it is sad that he's being lied to. every child who has been adopted should know they are.

Answer 3

Hi Dave.  I am pretty aware of your  situation.  I know that your wife's son's adoptive parents recently had an opportunity to finally be honest with him.  Apparently, that did not happen.  That's sad that they never did step up to the plate and tell the truth.  

Well, at 18 he is an adult.  He deserves honesty.  I think that you and your wife just need to explain that she's his natural mom, a little about what happened and that she felt she needed to wait until he was an adult to contact him.  I'm sure she'll want to tell him that she's never stopped thinking of him and has always cared for him.

The three of you are adults and are free to make contact with one another.  His adoptive parents chose to be dishonest.  That is not anyone else's fault, and no one else should have to live that way anymore.  They've had plenty of time to tell the truth, plus a recent incentive to do so when you and your wife spoke to his adoptive aunt and uncle.  

No one deserves to be duped for the rest of his life, or miss out on possible good relationships, simply to uphold someone else's lies.

Answer 4

WOW - they never told him?  Are you the one who has to tell him?  Give more info please.

Answer 5

Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that the Aps have been allowing a child to live in a lie.

Go with your instincts.  

There is no way for you to avoid upsetting your child but they have the right to know the truth and the sooner the better.  

Let your paternal instincts guide you.

I would suggest dealing directly with the child and not with the Aps. They have demonstrated that they are not capable of doing whats in the child's best interest and may cause problems or more confusion.

Best wishes.  

Answer 6

how do you write to an 18 year old friend?  why does it matter if someone is adopted.  i adopted my three grandchildren.  they know it and they know that they are safe and loved.  they call me DADDY!!!!

Answer 7

are you planning on telling him he was adopted, in a letter? I really don't understand your question.  If you are going to do this, PLEASE DON'T.  This child should have been told when he/she was an small child.