Had a baby and I Hate my husband?

Question

I feel ****!!! I really dont like my husband. AT ALL! Every thing he does pisses me off! We have been married 3 years and had a bub 9 months ago and ever since then I have hated him. He was with me when i had bub but the i was pretty much left alone for the first 3 weeks with a new bub because he wanted to help his dad build our house. I feel like he chose his dad over me and bub and he would just leave me in tears every morning and promise to come home early but never did.

This started it off - I hate him! and dont want to be married anymore but he and I dont really believe in divorce...

I dont know what to do - and friends wont understand me - they will just judge me coz they all have perfect lives..

HELP - Anyone been through this and come out ok?

Answer 1

let me get this straight? you hate your husband, because he was trying to do right by you, and give you a house to live in,a roof over you head, a place you could all be a family. and you dare say you hate him.  Guess what...You were created to have and care for babies, not men, they were created to help provide for you. and from the sounds of it that;s what is going on. You should be thankful he didn't leave your butt on the street.  Try telling him Thank you for taking care of us, and see if you don't like him a little more.

Answer 2

i think you may have the baby blues. if this is the 1st baby for the both of you then he may be getting away to go help build your house because he's scared too & since it's going to be your house then he probably sees it as justified. he should be more considerate to your feelings too that is why i believe you feel resentment toward him. i think you should sit down with your husband & tell him how you feel. good luck!

Answer 3

If I were you I'd make a point of saying to him "I feel left alone when all I really want is for you to be here."  He may think he's doing the right thing by providing a home for you and the baby, and he is staying late to work longer and trying to get more done.  You don't hate him, you hate not having help and being left alone, but you need to talk to him.  You also hate the work that having a child brings, I do to - you are justified in feeling alone and trapped, and overworked too.  In our recent past new moms were not left alone, you could pass that incredible drain (but joyful one) off to your sister/aunt/mom/grandmother and get a break, now a days you only have your partner who feels the push to provide more for his growing family, so everyone looses in terms of energy and strength.

Talk to him, try not to tell him you hate him - tell him why you feel the way you feel and what you need for him (to be home more and with you).  Remind him that your baby is going to grow very quickly and he is missing out on some of the sweetest and joyful times with the baby.  Remind him that the baby needs a father and mother, that he is irreplaceable to that child.

Oh yeah, how do I know?  I have a husband who has been working on our house for 3+ years, we have two little kids, and he has a second job to bring in extra income.  I miss him, and he knows it.  I am lucky as my folks live just down the road, but it was just him and I before that and it was d**n hard the first 3 years.  You'll get past this, but to do so you need to talk to your husband about needing him with you.

Answer 4

I am absolutely in awe!!!  Every couple has it's ups and downs and we all get annoyed with eachother.  I say pray about it and work it out via counseling or whatever it takes.  Things could always be worse.  I mean you did say that the 3 weeks that he left you alone he was helping his dad build YOUR house.  At least he was doing something for your family.  Count your blessings.  I just had a daughter 8 days ago and my husband could not be there for it.  I also has four other children here at home all under the age of 6 and I am doing this alone because my husband was falsely accused of a car wreck (no witnesses and no evidence) and now I am stuck raising our 5 kids alone for 2.5 yrs.  Thank God you have someone there for you and work it out.

Answer 5

I won't go as far as to say I know exactly how you feel. However, try to look at things from a standpoint other than your own.(as hard as that is to do). Your husband and yourself need to talk. Express how it makes you feel when he says he's coming home early but then doesn't. Express what you really want from him. Be it, more help with the kiddo or his presence in the evening.He can't read your mind and maybe he doesn't know where he fits in to the grand scheme of things with you and the baby. Maybe just maybe. Since you don't believe in divorce is his working your nerves even worth holding any grudges and create an unhealthy environment for your family?

No offense tho, is there any possibility that you have or are experiencing post par tum depression?

Your friends aren't perfect just not airing their laundry..  

Answer 6

I wouldn't say i "hate" my husband, but since our daughter was born 11 months ago, literally everything he does annoys the h**l out of me. I don't know if it's still hormones or just the stress of having a new baby, but sometimes I wish I could just get away for awhile. I think it's normal to go through changes with your spouse when a new baby comes, and i know a lot of couples that argue more once the baby comes, but according to all my friends, it will get better. I can honestly say things are bit better than they were a few months ago, but they are nowhere near they way they used to be. The only things i can suggest are patience, time, and possibly marriage counseling. Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 7

I hate to be critical, but I have heard this same scenario so many times I'm blue in the face.

Why the h**l do you women get so intoxicated with the idea of having a kid, that you have one with some guy you don't like?

It's just insane.

YOU chose who was going to be the father to this child. Just remember that. It was YOUR CHOICE, and now you want to rip this kids dad from his life.

Answer 8

i think that you should divorce. honestly its not going to get any better. how do you know that he is with his dad and not with another girl?

my mom use to think it would get better too, but i only got worse.  

Answer 9

It's actually really normal to hate your husband after you have a baby.  It's also really normal for husbands to hate their wives.  You both have to completely change your relationship to adapt to this new person in the relationship.  It's hard!

Something to remember is that men and women tend to experience parenthood differently.  For you, providing direct care to your son is the most important thing.  You provide 24 hour care to this child and where's dad? Off doing something that interests him and leaving all the work to you!  Being a new mom can be so lonely and isolating.

From dad's perspective, he has to provide for the family.  He's the breadwinner.  Men bring home the bacon.  That's just what they do.  What kind of husband or father can't provide a proper home for his family?  What do you expect from him?  He's only one man and he can't change diapers while he's hammering nails.

Consequently, you both have very valid points.  Dad needs to be home to help you with the baby.  It's good for the whole family for him to have time to bond with the baby and to reestablish his relationship with you.   At the same time, he is right to be worried about providing properly for his family.  Carrying the overhead for a house and whatever you're living in now is extremely expensive and new babies put even new pressures on finances.  He's right to be concerned about that.  He needs to learn new ways to care for you.  You need to respect that by working on your house he's trying to show you just how much he cares for you.

I think you would really benefit from some marital counseling.  It sounds like you're feeling so lonely that you're pushing away not only your husband but also your friends.  It isn't good for anyone to be that lonely.  Please reach out.

Divorce at this point is probably not advisable.  Take the time to work on your relationship.

Answer 10

sounds like postpartum depression, if your husband chose to build YOUR HOUSE, how is that choosing his father, he's building your house.

maybe I'm not understanding. it's time to spend quality time with each other.

Answer 11

You may be suffering from post pardom depression and focusing it on him. No he should not have left you alone the first three weeks. That was wrong. But continuing to be angry with him 9 months later is not right either.

My suggestion would be to talk to a professional, a good one, not just some Joe Shmo counselor. That way you con talk your feelings out with someone and determine if you need help, or how to communicate with your husband in a way that he can being to meet your needs.

Answer 12

That was smart.  Real smart.  Another kid with no father.  You women only want a kid so that you can tie a man down.  You outta be ashamed of yourself.  Now "bub" is going to grow up and live a horrible life with no father figure in his life and probably not have enough money to go to university or college.  

You can break up with him but chances are you'll do the same thing with your next boyfriend.  The guy's building a house for you and you're still not happy?  Smart.

Answer 13

he left you to build YOUR house??  i would say he's a pretty good husband if he is helping build your house.

my husband left to go to work for 10 hrs every day when i brought the baby home, i don't hate him for it, he is providing for us!

sounds like you need some serious counseling.

Answer 14

your not alone.  I'm in the same boat.  and I don't know what to do either.  Mine spends all his spare time "working" which means finding stuff to do in the garage and leaves me with babe most of the time.  When he is with babe he calls him stupid and a little bast**d because he cries in the late evening.  Which is the only time husband will come in the house.  He keeps telling me he'll divorce me but babe will stay, this is because if babe comes with me then the hubby will loose more of his precious "stuff".  And he will lie, cheat and steal to make sure he doesn't loose any of his "stuff".  He is a complete mess and honestly he is starting to scare me.  Babe's well being (mental and possibly physical) would be at serious risk if he stayed with this man.  He is a completely different person than I knew before babe came along.  Story is too long to get into here but you are definately not alone in your feelings.  It sounds like your husband is trying to provide for you though.  By helping to build your family a home to be in.  I'd try to sit and talk to him about it.  Tell him what you need and try to find out if there is something missing for him as well.  If you can both get on the same page and maybe come up with a plan to move forward with it may be alright.  Counselling may be another option for you.  Sometimes a 3rd opinion is just the thing thats needed to put it all in perspective.  In the end if you do find that you really do not love this man anymore than it may be better off for all involved to leave.  Children are not always better off in a 2 parent home.

I wish you the best of luck with this.  I hope it all works out for you and I will be thinking of you as I face my own challenge.  

Answer 15

First - and I don't mean this in a demeaning way - but how old are you?  I found when I was in my early to mid 20s I tended to have much more, let's say "dramatic" feelings towards my husband.

You committed to marry him.  At some point you could easily see what you loved about him.  Take a step back, let some of this other stuff go, and try to go back to the things you appreciate about him.  Pray about it.

Answer 16

9 months is a really long time to still hate him...  You two really need to sit down with someone and work out some issues.  If you beleive in your vows... follow all of them... I was thinking ppd until I seen it's been 9 months...  You must have some love for him somewhere in you..  Good luck!  

Answer 17

One of my best friends is in the same boat. She isn't really in love with her husband anymore and they are always fighting. They have a 14 month old little girl. I don't think staying with him will be best for the baby. Your baby is young enough that if you broke up it wouldn't effect him. I think it would be best to go your seperate ways instead of staying with someone you don't like. It will be worse for your baby growing up and seeing his mommy and daddy always fighting. Even though you don't believe in divorce its probably whats best.

Answer 18

I had to seek counselling for this.

After 18 years (childhood sweethearts) and a supportive dad the first time around, my husband did not seem to care about our second girl. He didn't seem interested (probably because she was non responsive being a newborn or maybe because he secretly wanted a boy???)

The husband slept and didn't offer any help. He seemed like he just liked my first daughter and I had to put up with everything with a colicky baby on my own. Lots of men withdraw when things get tough whether it's their coping mechanise or whether they think "she'll be right" (being you)

I fixed it and we are back. How you ask? I had a nervous breakdown in front of him and put myself first. I told him I insist he takes time off work for 1 week and play my role while I catch up with my sleep and he did (only after telling him how bad I really was - I was holding back because I didn't want to be a nuisance before)

He took that week off and tried to sit on the internet for the first 2 days. I reminded him that he was to play my role (we had gone to bottle feeding by this stage so he could help with daytime feeds but we are back to breastfeeding now)

One day after finally assisting me (or was I assisting him) he just crashed on the lounge and said I'm so tired (he never says that in his 20 years working as a builder). He really appreciated not only the physical work of a mum but also the mental work with trying to work out what baby wants. He wasn't even getting up at night for feeds by this stage but now he is.

If you approach it like this, you will be fine and you will live happily ever after until the next major event pops up and then you revert back to this answer.

Good luck and all will be well.