Handling Rude In-Laws and Adoption

Question

Long story short here: My husband and I recently announced that we were planning on starting a family and doing so by adoption. Everyone but his parents seem to take the news with joy, support and some open and honest curiosity. My in-laws response started with first reminding me that as my husband was the primary income in the house, there was no way he could take time off work to care for a child. We assured them we had planned for this, and that I would be the stay-at-home mom until the kids went off to school. Then, his mother, rather bitterly warned me I couldn't pass the care of a child off on other people. I baby-sat for all my younger cousins through my teens and early twenties, plus I'm a teachers assistant now, so I am far from unprepared for the responsibilities of childcare.

This tirade continued for nearly an hour, with their arguments ranging from "it’s not your problem if some kid doesn’t have a home" to complaining that I didn’t take my husbands last name.

My husband said nothing to them about this, and the subject never came up again during the remainder of their trip. I was very angry about their negative attitudes and the lack of support they showed to their son. I would like to encourage my husband to confront his parents, one to stand up for himself and second to stand up for me and the insinuations they made about me in that conversation. I would also like to stand up to them myself, and tell them that if they don’t let their son know they support him emotionally in this issue then they can find a hotel the next time they want to visit and they can forget us going to visit them. I don’t worry for our children, if they choose to prefer their “natural” grandchildren to mine and my husbands then I know that my family and close family friends will simply spoil the kids all that much more. I do worry for my husband though, but I worry about the ramifications of making him stand up to them. Is it my place to ask my husband to address the insults laid against me and him to his parents? Should I simply confront them myself? Or, should I simply “turn the other cheek” and let them act as immature as they want?

Answer 1

Your husband needs to grow some cajones.  I would be very wary of bringing children into a home where the potential father is more helpless than the infants you'll take in.  His lack of backbone and tossing you to the wolves, leaving you to suffer berating by HIS parents on a mutual decision doesn't bode well, and it will only get worse the longer you are married.  Think long and hard, and get into couple's therapy stat.

Answer 2

I am so very sorry for the many problems your in-laws are causing you. This should be a joyous and exciting time- planning for the arrival of a baby/child.

Your husband needs to have a heart-to-heart with his parents. You and your child are his priorities.  You have already told them how you plan to care for the child and that you yourself have plenty of experience with child care.

If, after the talk,they still are negative, let them know that you both are moving on with the adoption. You both can decide if you want them in your child's life.  Perhaps after they see the child, they will change their minds.  It's a pity to be so close minded.  

You both should be commended for making the many sacrifices it will take to adopt a child.

My husband and I have friends who recently adopted.  Everyone is excited about the new baby.  Too bad for your in-laws to miss out on birthdays and holidays.

Answer 3

First of all I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would try something like..."This is a very important step in our lives and we are so excited. We really hope that you be a part of this process and be excited as we are to meet your new grandchild."

You may have to start by asserting yourself. Your husband will either see that it works and feel like he can do it, or sadly, that it doesn't work but will choose to stand by you.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Confronting them will only make it worse. "Turn the other cheek" is the best thing for you to do. They are probably in shock over your decision to adopt, but once they see the kids and how adorable they are, maybe they will change their minds. Especially if you teach them to ignore any bad comments that the grandparents might make. Almost no one can ignore two little hands reaching and saying, "Hold me". I think you might be borrowing trouble if you say anything now. Let it go for now and maybe they will come around later on. At least give them a chance. If you draw that line in the sand, it will always be there and become a permanent wedge between you and to them you will be the one who is at fault. That part I know about. My in-laws blamed me for us not visiting them but it was my husband that didn't want to visit them. Don't let it bother so much that they don't think you are capable of taking care of a child. They will see that you are once you get the child in your home and they just might forget all the negative things they said. I know you probably won't forget because those things hurt you, but give it a try. At least wait until you have a child before you pass judgment. Give them a chance first.

Answer 5

Well I just think that a husband (or wife) should stand up to their parents when they insult their wife (or husband). If my husband didn't stand up to his parents (or anyone else for that matter) for me then I would question our relationship. My family had a situation similar but different to yours. After being married for 4 years my Uncle decided to adopt his step daughter. My grandparents were already being "mean" to her to begin with. It took them a long time to finally come around, (10years) but they finally did. Everyone in the family would correct them when they were deliberately mean to her. I say talk to your husband about this and let him handle his parents.  

Answer 6

Your husband needs to grow a set and when things like that happen he should take you out of there and express to his parents that you are not to be spoken to like that.

Leave it alone for now because you can't shove the S**t back into the donkey, but don't include those two horrible people in any of your future plans or discussions.  If your husband chooses to talk to them about any of your future plans let him do it when you're not around or on the phone.

Mark and avoid I say.

Answer 7

You don't want to stir up anything between your hubby and his parents. You might ask him to tell them that you are his wife and they will just have to respect that, but you probably don't want to stand up to them yourself, or they will never like you.

Answer 8

don't confront them...you're decision for adopting a child is strictly between you and your husband...if you guys are okay with it, then its fine..:) don't let your in-laws get involved  

Answer 9

It's up to your husband to confront them and defend his wife and family.  He needs to get some b**ls Grandparents that don't accept the grandchildren and prefer one grandchild over another are doing great emotional harm to the grandchild that is not being treated equally.  I would not allow my children to be subject to that pain.  Remember the children come first.

Answer 10

I'm with the "husband needs a backbone" contingent.  Let me say I'm an old person, 58, and if my husband had sat there while his mother ranted at me, I'd have been very disappointed in him, and he would have known it.

His first obligation is to you.  You are his wife.  He needs to talk to his parents and tell them they must treat you with respect.  If he doesn't, he's giving them tacit permission to continue this behavior.  They have no right to treat anyone this way, much less their son's wife.  It doesn't say much about their respect for him either.

As for the issue, shame on them.  It may not be your fault some kid doesn't have a home, but they should be proud of you for wanting to help someone who needs it.  

But maybe you should consider this:  if he's not willing or able to defend you, will he allow them to treat an adopted child like a second-class family member?  I've seen this in my own life with an aunt who favored one of my sisters over all the rest of us, and with my grandson, and it's bad.  My grandson lives with his mother, her boyfriend and their two kids.  The boyfriend's parents treat my grandson differently, and it hurts him.  I treat them all like they're each special, and they are.  You must insist on that from his parents, or your child will always remember  it.