Happy Friday people! Could i please hear a joke?

Question

HEY ITS FRIDAY!!! CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE ALMOST MADE IT!

Would you please be so kind and help my day go faster by telling me a joke? Much appreciated.

Answer 1

2 men in a bar

one says "your round"

other man says "so are you, you fat b--tard

Answer 2

i know something really funny...

YA FACE!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

I'm reading this terrific book about glue - I can't put it down! Happy Friday!

Answer 4

A man walks into a bar

Ouch !!!!!

don't blame me it's one of my kids joke, I bet you days zoomed by now eh ????

Answer 5

joke1

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

joke2

I was barely sitting down when i heard a vioce from the other stall saying : "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom But i don't know what got into me, so i answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of quesion is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so i say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point im just trying to get out as fast as i can when i hear i hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured i could just be polite and end the conversation. i tell him, "No....... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then i hear guy say nervously... .

Listen. i'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my

questions!!!"

joke3

A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

Answer 6

Heres a few that i have been sent today

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat

Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to

him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat f*ck.'

______________________________________...

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood

rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am

in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king

Big red mark on her forehead.

______________________________________...

I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating

shuttlecocks.

Bad minton

_)____________________________________...

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still

alive...'

______________________________________...

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10

minutes.

'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

Answer 7

A baby seal walked into a club

What has two wheels and flies?

A dead cripple

A cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink.

He finishes up and the bartender asks if he wants another one.

He pauses, says "I think not," and vanishes

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

So an eskimo took his snowmobile into the mechanic and says "I can't get this thing to start. Can you take a look?" The mechanic takes a quick look at it and turned to the Eskimo and said "looks like you blew a seal". The Eskimo said "Oh no, that's just frost on my moustache!"

There was an arab and an american on a plane. They say hello to one another and so on. The American decided to relax so he takes his shoes off and fetches a beer. While he is gone the arab picks up his shoe and spits in it. When the american comes back the arab says hey that beer looks good. The american gladly says Ill go get you one. And the arab spits in his shoe again. This goes on the whole flight: spit in shoe, get arab a beer, spit in shoe, get arab a beer. So the plane lands and the american puts on his shoes and realizes the arab had been spitting in his shoe. He turned to the arab and said,"how long must this hatred, anger and anomosity go on between us? You spitting in shoes and me pissing in beers."

Whats got 3 arms, 6 legs, 3 eyes and 2 noses?

A pitbull at a day nursery

--

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip

A young girl and a serial killer enter the woods and begin hiking , as the sun sets the girl says " gee mister it's getting spooky out in these woods "

The serial killer replies " how do you think I feel , I have to walk out of here all by myself ?! "

how do you make a clown stop laughing?

hit him in the face with an axe

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future either.

What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

My wife may be my better half, but my mistress is my better hole

Answer 8

a woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband

"i look horrible, i feel fat and ugly- pay me a compliment"

the husband replies" your eyesight is perfect"

--------------------------------------...

A guy is called by his future sister in law a few days before the marriage, and the sister in law asks him to come over, and he decides to go. The thing is, his fiance's sister is hot! So he gets there and the sister starts seducing him, he rejects the offer but the sister says "i know u want it, so i will go to my bedroom and ill strip down and ill wait 4 u, if u dont want it, ill find u gone"

The sister goes to her bedroom and the guy opens the front door and goes out walking straight to his car and not looking back, as he is about to enter his car, his future father in law approaches him with tears in his eyes and says "u r a gentleman, u have passed our family test and u r good enough for my daughter! welcome to the family"

Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in your car

--------------------------------------...

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, 'Those are deer tracks.'

The second blonde said, 'No, those are elk tracks.'

The third blonde said, 'You're both wrong, those are moose tracks.'

The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"



One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Sorry to all blondes

Answer 9

well.. i have some jokes but i don't want to say them but i will tell you riddls!!! what did the other eye said to the other eye???!!!some thing beetween us smells!!! what is snakes favourite subject?!!!! hisssssstory!!!!!!!! anyway.... HAPPY FRIDAY!!

Answer 10

^,^

Answer 11

Folk say you only fall in love once, but whenever I hear your voice I fall in love all over again.

From

Answer 12

A mushroom walked into a pub, sat down next to a gorgeous looking girl and asked her if she would like a drink with him.

She politely declined.

The mushroom said 'oh come on, I'm a fun-gi' (fun guy)

(Not my joke, read it on here once, funny though eh?)