Harsh but solid critiquing for my poem, Flickers.?

Question

disclaimer: to all u ppl out there who get "best answer" by sucking up to the writer...i want honesty.

Flickers

An unwelcome visitor comes to call

Uninvited perhaps, but not unprovoked.

He demands that you submit to him

or at least remember his name.

As something flickers in vague memory

You feel all four closing in on you

All those walls; can’t stop them now

Try to and you’ll just end up further

from where it is you started.

You can see him clearly now

that you’ve got your eyes half open

feigned forgetfulness fades from vivid memory;

remember his name, you’ve gone further

and

reluctantly

recognized defeat.

Answer 1

I think you need to be more creative with words, I think theres a danger of being too minimalist here.

Answer 2

Ummm, most of it sounds good. Honestly not the best I have read, but it's a decent poem. The part of the poem that says "You can see him clearly now

that you’ve got your eyes half open"

doesn't really make sense in literal terms, unless you are meaning for it to be completely figurative. And the line

"feigned forgetfulness fades from vivid memory;"... Said that out loud a couple times and didn't seem to roll off of the tongue right.

Other than that, good job.

Answer 3

Some of the lines are a little too long, they seem to stick out a bit, maybe cut out some of the smaller words... Just a sudgestion. i also hate it when people suck up..it really drives me insane...

Anyways, good poem, but does need a few bits fixed up here and there...

Yah, just my oppinion..

xox Jen xox

Answer 4

It's good, but to be totally honest, it's no different than what everyone writes these days. It's the abstract sort of artistic poetry that usually lacks poetic devices and relies on the feelings of the reader more than it does on communicating the feelings of the writer. I'd probably give it a 6 out of 10 in my books. The potential is there, but it needs some more work and maybe a few additions.

It's freeform and abstract, so from that standpoint there's not a whole lot that I can really hack on it about. Because it has no rules, all I can say is that it lacked anything that really grabbed me, personally. Maybe that's because I can't relate, or maybe it's because I am a fan of metaphors, rhyming and other more traditional poetic devices.

If you want to be a good poet, you really have to separate yourself from the pack. This can either be by being more abstract and freeform than the rest, or it can be in your mastery of true poetry - the blending of poetic forms and devices to build a work of art.

In my opinion, this work hasn't done that. No offense, and I am sorry if that's too harsh.

Answer 5

I agree with these other two guys, just doesn't seem to roll off the tongue quite right. The expresssions you use sound ok when u read silently, but try to recite the poem in voice and it simply doesn't work. Maybe you should try again and try something a little more 'thought-provoking" and myabe just a bit 'deeper'/