Has Anyone ever regretted adopting their child?

Question

Has anyone ever got the baby and thought "this was the biggest mistake ever"

I've read a lot about how children who were adopted longed for the biological mother & felt disconnected... If my adopted child felt this was, i would wonder what was the point or meaning for me adopting them in the 1st place....

Answer 1

From what I've read, many people who are adopted do have a feeling of not belonging. Since their birth mother is not around, they idealize her and think they wouldn't have any problems if they had been raised by her. They want to know "where they come from" and try to contact the biological parents. Sometimes they forge a relationship with their real mother, and the adoptive mother has to share the title of "mom" with someone who has been out of the picture for years. As for the adoptive parents, the only time I've heard of them having issues is when they adopt older children from abused backgrounds. Some of those issue cannot be overcome. Also, sometimes there are problems with biological parents trying to get their kids back. All in all, I would say try to have your own kids if it is an option. You avoid all those problems that way.

Answer 2

So far no, and I can't imagine regretting it. We have a fully open relationship with his first family, and have basically created a larger family for him. He is an amazing little boy and everyone loves him. In fact his bio-grandparents are in the living room playing with him as I type this, having come down to visit for the weekend.

He will not need to "long" for anyone, because everyone is involved and available to him whenever he needs.

If done ethically, and with a commitment to the child and his or her well being (emotional as well as physical), there is nothing to regret.

Answer 3

I think even bio mom's and dad's sometimes question why they had children, especially when they are under 5 and over 12 lol!

To be honest, when my kids came into my life, I made a commitment in my heart to love them thru everything. When my son was diagnosed with Reactive Attatchment Disorder, I just kept telling myself that his actions and reactions were NOT his fault. My most major doubts had to do more with me "Did I have the ability to get thru to his heart?" "Can I ever get him to believe that I will never walk away from him?" and How do I do all this?

But even when he was smearing f***s on my walls, hurting my pets, and screaming for six hours at a time, my thoughts were not of regret for adopting him, they were of anxiety and concern for the little grieving boy upstairs wailing and smacking my walls. Often, I would say to him I love you more than my walls, my pets, or random other things he destroyed. This has been the hardest journey of my life, but imagine how much harder it has been for him.

He is now doing much better :) He laughs for real now and a lot of his more intrusive behaviours have ceased, but I still know he is grieving and probably always will to some degree. This is the reality of adopting. It is very important to remember that most children will ALWAYS long for what they have lost thru placements and adopting. Your goal should be to have a parent child relationship without the idea of replacing the bio mom. She cannot be replaced.

It is also up to YOU to help your child with feelings of disconnection. It is up to YOU to keep open lines of communication about how they feel. It is up to YOU to work thru your own feeling of insecurity about adoption so that you can provide the most healthy place for your child to heal.

I would suggest getting as many books on adoption as you can and start reading. Also contact your local CAS and ask to speak to an adoption social worker or foster care worker so that you can get a true idea of what to expect so you can make an informed choice about what you can and cannot handle.

Good luck in your quest for knowledge. I am glad that you are asking these questions. Don't be bullied into silence. This is a good way to figure out if adoption is a good option for you. You can also ask these same questions to an adoption social worker as well.

Answer 4

Regretted adoption?  No.  Regretted becoming a parent?  Some days.  I think that every parent (whether they will admit it or not) has one of those days where they question their decision to become a parent.  I worry that I'm doing a good job or that my son is better with me than he would be with someone else.  I am told by others that this is normal "mom guilt" and it's what makes us a good mom in the long run.

Answer 5

The adoption of our third child will be final, Thursday, we also have been blessed with, two birth children.

I never have regretted, adopting. Our 21 year old, has been a challenge since the day we brought her home, at age three, and still is. but I love her. I regret some of the choices she has made in her life, I regret as I look back that I didn't handle some her problems in a different manner, but regret adopting her or my other two, never.

Answer 6

My aunt adopted her daughter (who is now my cousin), and she loves her with all her heart.

Really she doesnt regret it at ALL, and just considering that because of her my cousin didnt have to live as an orphan is really something.

She definitley doesn't view it as a mistake, they have a stronger relationship than me and my mom will EVER have.

hope i helped (:

Answer 7

Nope.  No regrets here!

Those who INSISTS that us APs want "our own" kids...the children that live under our roofs are OUR kids!  Some of them are biological, some are adopted, some are half kids, and some are step kids.  You can define them any way you want, but REALITY is once they enter your heart, they become OUR kid!

Answer 8

You know I guess this kind of confuses me - especially the answer about Dissillusionment and giving the child back?

This isn't like going to the pound and adopting a puppy.  

If you give birth and your child acts like a holy terror and screams that they hate you and that they wish they had never been born.... so we give them back?  Give them back to who?  They are yours.  

The day they enter your heart - they are yours.  For better or worse, though the good and the bad.  There are no do over's, there are no trade in's for a better model.

If you have a bio child that is having and adjustment issue - you go for couseling - you work things out.

I guess I take issue with this, simply because I have a child that I gave up for adoption.  To this day - she is in my heart and I have cried way too many tears to count thinking of whether I made the right decision.  I made a decision based on what things I had to base them on at the time.  But I look at my life now and think... I could have done it.  I could have kept her... couldn't i?  The thought that the family that adopted her could turn around and decide that there was "no point" in adopting her because she might be curious about me in the future - or that she felt like something was "missing"... seriously sickens me.

Being adopted doesn't end you're human feelings, curiosities, or desire to know your lineage.  And any parent who takes a child into thier heart should first have a solid commitment and understanding of that fact.

Answer 9

Some children have attachment disorders.  Often, if a child is in an orphanage,  they have had some significant trauma in their early life.  When adopting from overseas there are a lot of issues with FAS, children never being touched and thus not forming interpersonal bonds and some children are abused in orphanages as well as foster homes (in the US).  

Fortunately,  there are programs that are set up to help adopted children and their parents.  There are a lot of counseling services available and I would highly recommend setting up counseling services for your new adopted child (unless the child is an infant).  It is also important to get very good medical care for your child.  Most children when first adopted are lacking in certain nutrients.  Have a thorough medical exam.  There are even ways of determining if the child has FAS or suffered other trauma in-utero.

Some children just have a hard time adjusting.  Don't let that put you off adoption, though.

Answer 10

Never regretted it, not even for a second!

Has every minute been perect? Heck no! But she is my daughter ever bit as much as my sons (bio) are my sons.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Answer 11

After 2 biological children, I adopted a 3rd child.  During the adoptiong, I admit I had a tiny, niggling worry in my mind that I might feel differently or have less love for my adopted child than my biological children.  It was totally unfounded.  My adopted daughter is now 8 and the light of my life.  I don't love her one bit less than my 2 biological children.  Your children are your children no matter where they come from.  Going out to "find" my daughter was the best thing I ever did.

Answer 12

Sure.  But most won't admit it in public, or even to themselves.

I think most adopted kids wish they had their own mothers as opposed to being adopted, just as most infertile aparents probably wish they had their own children.

These are realities that are often not allowed to be expressed in our politically correct culture.

Answer 13

Hi Apple M.

No, never.  I offer unconditional love to all my children.  My children are free to express any feelings they may have.  I expect my children through adoption to long for their First Parents.  Which is why we do our best to keep the doors open for our children to communicate and visit their First Families.  Even with this effort, i still understand my children will feel loss.   I understand this was not their choice, so I listen, comfort, hug, dry tears, and sooth their fears.  Why would i do this and expect nothing in return?  Because i'm their mother, their adoptive mother and thats what we do.

Answer 14

I have my moments with my teen daughter when I wonder what I was thinking, but they're fleeting & I do know absolutely that we were supposed to adopt...and that we were supposed to adopt her and her sister in particular.  I can tell you that I've had moments with my teen sons (biological) when I've wondered what I was thinking having them.  LOL.  It's a teen thing.

I don't think it was a mistake, though.  There are times when my adopted daughter is mad & says she wishes I wasn't her mom...well, tough noogies, because I am her mom.  It hurts in actuality, but I need to be the adult and move past those hurts and help her heal her wounded heart.

Answer 15

In my days as a social worker, I had two teenagers who came from nullified adoptions.  Basically, they were given away by their first parents, adopted and then given away again by their adoptive parents.  It was very sad.  They lived out the remainder of their childhood years in a group home for teen wards of the state.

As for the idea of wonder what was the point simply because the adopted child feels the loss of the relationship with his/her first parents, the adoption isn't about the adoptive parents.  It's supposed to be about the child.  The concern on the part of the adoptive parents should be loving the child, not the other way around.  Otherwise, the adoptive parent is no different from the stereotyped  teenage girl who has a baby so she "has someone to love her."

Instead, if children are experiencing the loss brought on by relinquishment, perhaps people should be looking for better ways to help keep families together so that fewer are separated.

Answer 16

Dear Apple,

There ARE people who end up regretting adopting a child.

These adoptions sometimes end in what is called an Adoption Dissolution. The adoption is nullified and the child is essentially, legally abandoned by the adoptive parents.

The reasons for dis solutions can be things like medical issues, severe Reactive Attachment Disorder, the APs having unrealistic expectations, etc.

Some of these children are returned to their original parents, some to foster care, some to orphanages (IA) and some are re-adopted by another family.

There are no solid statistics on the number of dis solutions which occur. It is so full of stigmas and pain that the majority of people (especially APs) who have gone through this, NEVER talk about it.

Here are some links about dis solutions if you want to know more:

www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_disrup.cfm

associatedcontent.com/.../unadopt_a_ch...

www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_disrup.pdf

www.achildchosen.com/adoption-disrupti...

Adoption Dissolution is a terrible tragedy - especially for the child. Every precaution should be taken to avoid this from happening and is one of the reasons I believe education is so necessary in the world of adoption.

Thanks for an interesting question!