Has any other adoptees had this experience growing up?

Question

It seems like I'm the only adoptee on here that had the experience I had. My parents adopted me to be charitable (and as a twisted version of "keeping up with the Joneses") I was introduced to strangers as "our adopted daughter" while my brother was just introduced as "our son," and every time my parents were angry with me, my dad would start going off on how I should be grateful to them for pulling me out of the gutter in Atlanta, and how my "real mom" was a teenage **** and drug addict, and that if I wasn't careful I'd be just like her. Oh yeah, I was 4 months old when they got me. Also, my dad has a masters in psychology, and my mom majored in child development. I feel like this has messed me up pretty bad, and I wish I knew of someone who had similar experiences to talk to, but everyone I talk to seems like they had great childhoods with their adoptive families.

Answer 1

You're not alone.  

But this is not a support site (and if it were, it would be a lousy one).  

If you want to talk to other adoptees, many of whom can probably relate to how you feel, come to this forum:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

That is a support site, and people are very good at listening.

Answer 2

Even people with their real moms and dads don't always have a perfect childhood. Some might have parents who are alcholic, etc. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being adopted or not.

Sometimes they say people go into psychology or psychiatry because they want to find out why THEY are so mixed up, so that they can fix THEMSELVES and it doesn't always work.

It sounds like they very emotionally and verbally abusive to you. If they were drinkers, you could try joining Al-Anon (for adult children of alcoholics) or Ala-teen (for teens with parents that drink) and get some books from the library on that subject. Just an idea...I might be off base with this...

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Answer 3

Wow for two "professionals" to treat you the way they did, is unbelieveable!  I feel sorry for you and all the people they have treated!  Just goes to show a license really means nothing!  How crule and heartless of them to do that to you!  My Grandparents adopted me and I sure knew NOT to get pregnant like she did before I married, listening to them talk down about her all my life.  I didn't know til I was 9 or 10 that I was adopted!!  They raised me as her "sister"!

Answer 4

im not an adoptee but if u ever want to talk here is my email address [e-mail] ok im here for yea i love to talk to ppl and try and help them out with everything ok sweety!!!  and dont let them get to u that why they keep doing it ok

Answer 5

I know how you feel. I was adopted by my dad, but my mom is my biological mom, not your exact situation, but I understand the feeling. It was weird because my dad always introduced me as his daughter, but my mom, introduced me as her daughter from her ex husband. I always thought it was weird too. My childhood was okay, but I got the same lecture about being grateful that we have my dad and we have a house and bla bla bla. And my mom won't even talk about my biological dad cuz she hates him, so I understand how you feel on some level i think. I wish you luck. Tell your parents how you feel. I really doubt you will become a S****y crack adict.

Answer 6

it is definitely wrong for them to introduce you to strangers like tht, and mention ur mom was a "teenage ****". i think this question is more answerable if a person knew you u and ur family life, maybe you should tlk to them andask them to stop saying the things tht get you angry....

Answer 7

wow... i am really sorry to hear about that..... I'm sure your birth mother had better intentions for you when she gave you up..... that is just sad to hear...

I hope you find some peace

Answer 8

I am so sorry for the way you had to grow up!  I never say bad things about my childrens parents in front of them!  I can't say I have never said bad things...that would be a complete lie!  Please be true to yourself and know that it is not, nor was it your fault!

Answer 9

come to adultadoptees.org

you aren't alone.

Answer 10

Hi Manifest~

I suppose no two adoption stories are exactly alike.  I wasn't introduced as "our adopted child".  However, my parents would pull the "you should be grateful. Look at her, all she sees when she looks at us is $$ signs."  As IF! They never helped me once I was out of the house - married at 16. Heck, they didn't exactly spoil me when I lived at home.  No car for my 16th birthday (wouldn't even let me get my license). No tiara, no pony, no pool.  Well, there was a pool at the clubhouse.  

The nicest thing my a.mom ever said to me was that she "chose" me.  It's only been in recent years that I realized what she meant.  She "chose" me to be the family scapegoat.  She "chose" me to pick ON.  To abuse. To belittle. Oh yeah...she chose me, alright.  I was the "chosen" child.  

I'm a BSE adoptee, taken from my mom at the age of 18 months because she worked as a waitress, didn't make enough money, was single (husband abandoned her years earlier) and for a brief while she "lived with a man to whom she was not married" (actually written IN the court docs).

There was no aide to families with dependent children, no medicare, no public assistance. No criminal history, no allegations of alcoholism, no drug use. She was just poor.

My foster parents adopted me. I adored my dad. My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption.  I bent over backward for years to please her (never succeeded).  She had 3 biological children, and my sister (her bio daughter) was her favorite among us all. Being the only other girl, however, I got the brunt of not being as good as my sister - EVER.  (Love my sister...don't get me wrong. It's not her fault the mom was so freakin' mean).  

My foster parents were alcoholics. They believed in corporal punishment, and I was abused physically & emotionally (guess that 's what you'd call it - when a mother beats her child with a board so badly that I literally couldn't sit down.) When I got pregnant as a teen, my adopted mother said to me, "You're a tramp and a w***e, just like your mother." (My first mom was not a w***e, BTW. As I mentioned, I have a copy of the court record.)  I told her, "you're the one who raised me."  Not to be smart.  I just was stunned (and stung) by her comment and didn't know what else to say.

The show of favoritism (or rather, the LACK of) continued on to my children.  My daughter was the first to graduate HS and did so with honors.  My parents - one state away - couldn't make it to her graduation. But then, they couldn't make it to mine (the only child of 4 to graduate HS), when they lived in the next town (about 20 miles away). BUT they drove across the country from CA to N. Carolina for my nephew's graduation the next year.  Whatever.  

The end to my relationship with the a.mom came 2 days after my father died.  My a.mom left a message on my VOICE MAIL saying "don't call here anymore. I can't take your tears."  And with that, I was "unadopted" by her.  We haven't had contact in nearly 11 years.  

My parents didn't have a degree in psychology.  Just goes to prove, though, that a piece of paper doesn't necessarily mean anything.  Just because they had degrees doesn't mean they were any GOOD at being a therapist/child development major.  

DO contact the adoption forum Laurie & Gersh & others mentioned.  And feel free to email me...

Man...I can hear ya!   I know exactly what you're talking about.

(I need to join the adoption forums too...)

Maybe we'll see each other there?

Answer 11

Yes , I have for it seems like every time my family goes out I 'm the adopted one. When my brothers and sisters are from the same place. That's why I walked away from them all. For I did not need my head messed up any more. Some family's to do right bye the ones they bring in. To where we got the messed up ones. We can Email each others. For I've been where you are. Good Luck.

Answer 12

wow, that sucks. i just hope you get out of there as soon as you can. call dr. phil! he can do a show and expose  your parents for what they are!

Answer 13

While im not a adoptee but my real dad always downed me calling me supid, i won't be much even compared me to our dog. And im sorry you went thought that at least he wasn't your real dad even though it doesn't matter but yeah it messed me up a little to self steem wise cause they say your father teaches you how your husband should treat you if you were treated good you'll want that to contiue if you wasnt then you don't want to be treated bad but it's like you'll use to it. what i learned is you have to look at your life and don't listen to others most the time there unhappy and want to bring you down too. You'll older now so think of it as it could have been worst you won't belive what some adpotees go thought. I'm sorry i hope i helped keep your head high.

Answer 14

You are not the only *abused* adoptee out there.

I was one of the *lucky* ones I got a wonderful adoptive family

I'm so sorry that they treated you like that and I hope to god you have got far away from them now and also sought counselling

Because it is NOT Your fault, you have NOTHING To be grateful for

I'm so sorry :(

Answer 15

I've been through something similar my entire life.  My younger brother is their "Miracle Child" and does no wrong, I am the black sheep of the family and was always reminded that I was adopted when I was younger.

And sometimes I really get the vibe from my parent's that I owe them something, and that I should be exactly what they want me to be because they spent money to basically "buy" me.

It's fucked up, and the sad thing is, unless one of your adopted parents is an adoptee they will NEVER understand.

:-/

Answer 16

Wow, that's awful!  I only refer to my adopted children as "adopted" when I am making a reference point specific to adoption issues. Never, never, do I introduce my family as "these are my adopted children and this is my biological son."  

Neither would I ever pull the "grateful to be adopted" card, that's cruel and manipulative.

And the fact that your parents have education (advanced degrees, even) in the areas of psychology and child development and STILL treated you like that is boggling.  I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone through.

Answer 17

yes I have gone through that it sux but I ended up back in foster care because my adopted parents abused me physically. so yea...they used my MOM against me all the time and it ticked me off....

Answer 18

I am so sorry.

I used to hear comments along those lines from a few ignorant nuns in parochial school growing up. It's really horrible when adults say things like that to children.

That was so wrong of them to say that. Please come to the forum at http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum  

You're not alone.

Answer 19

yeah gets kinda rough i get bullied loads at school. i know how you feel. xx

Answer 20

there c***s are evil, **** their house up. dosent matter why when who or ******* how ure real mum and dad adopted you, no one should speak about your mum and dad like that. im an adoptee too. dont let them!

Answer 21

Sadly, there have been some people who have adopted only to treat their children in such a hurtful manner.

I'm very sorry you were treated this way.

There is support out there though.

There's a great group over at http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 22

That's really awful of them to treat you like that.

My friends family celebrates their daughters "Adoption Day" like it's her birthday, but I'm fairly certain they treat her as their biological child in every other aspect of life.

Answer 23

I'm so sorry you were raised by narcissists who didn't understand the beauty of adoption.  I hope you can heal from this and can give a happier childhood to someone else, if you choose.

Edit - Why all the thumbs down?  Her adoptive parents were extremely self-centered in their way of viewing adoption and how they treated her.  What happened to the idea of at least TRYING to create a loving home for a child?  I agree with the earlier responder.  No childhood is perfect, but, hello, her adoptive parents went out of their way to be rude and condescending!

Answer 24

not me..i heard pretty much the same line..about my mother being a **** and i would turn out just like her..and that they wanted a baby girl...i was too old...i was 2 and a half..my brother was 6 months old..to get him they had to take me...i heard i had bad blood that i wasnt a true worley...they told people they adopted us...everyone knew...i called my brother two days ago ..he was talking about his adopted mother...she has contact with him..not me...he said she has said this in conversations within the last week...i might have adopted him but he is my son..ok...we were adopted 34 years ago...do you still need to tell people? he didnt understand why that set me off at her..i dont even talk to her...because of the bs that continues to come out of her mouth...he understands to a degree how i feel...but yet doesnt....he has never experienced the loss i have over our adoption...for years he fought me on looking for our birth family..but when it came down to it..he found our mothers grave for me....and went with me to see it...he knows most of what i do about our family...he did that for me...from him i know love..the rest of the family i had asi grew up..has nothing to do with me.

Answer 25

I have gone threw pretty much the same thing you have, you can talk to me. ill be willing to listen and talk

Answer 26

That is so messed up. They sound like they were really mean. Did you tell them you don't like being referred to as the adopted child? I feel so bad for you. That is awful. I have heard adoptees sometimes say they had bad experiences. I was in foster care and I know a lot of us in care as older kids were mistreated. There is a lack of people willing to parent older (older than 3 yrs) kids and sometimes the state settles for really questionable caregivers. I am so sorry to hear you were treated like that. Perhaps one day you can provide a child with the home you would have liked to have.

Answer 27

I knew a woman who has basically the same experience, except it was more her mom that didn't accept her then her father.  They treated her like an outsider, and all her biological siblings then treated her like one too.  She has a lot of problems because of this, because she never got over the hurt and the anger it caused.

Answer 28

I knew a lot of people in Cambridge, MA like that, usually with international adoptees. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I think the first guy is right, though. Find a good support site.

Answer 29

Wow, I think your "adoptive parents" are f'd up in the head not you. Seriously, they are professional and they have mistreated an innocent child.  You didn't ask to be born, you are a gift, don't let anyone tell you differently.

Answer 30

I am not adopted but, I do want to say that I very much doubt you are the only adoptee that has or is experiencing this or similar parenting situation.  Being an adoptive parent does not make a person a good parent.

There are lots of parents who should never be allowed to have children in their homes...biological or adopted.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with such parents as this. It does sound like maybe they have some serious anger issues they need to deal with.  And, remember this, you were not in the gutter.  Whatever your biological mother was or wasn't should never be thrown in your face like that.  I consider that type of thing to be verbal/emotional abuse.

Dad may have a Masters in psychology & Mom may have majored in child development but, that doesn't mean much to me....that is what my Grandmother would have called 'educated fools'.  Lots of people the world over have 'book learning', but have never learned people/family skills.

Please, if at all possible, seek professional counseling  and a support group to help you with this.

Answer 31

Please go to the adult adoptee website that Phil, Laurie, Jgf, and Theresa have informed you about.

This is not a safe place for you to expose your feelings while you are hurt or vulnerable.  

Its sad for me to say but its the truth.