Has anyone adopted an older child as an alternative to having a biological one?

Question

We've been married for several years. A few years ago she realized that she could not cope with having her own biological children and wondered if we could look at adopting an older child as an alternative.(additional stressors stemmed from her childhood which she does not wish to repeat or have a child that she might despise)

This has not been easy for me since I always thought that I would have my own biological children someday. She has told me if I want to get a divorce over this she wouldn’t like it however she would be ok with it since she knows that she can’t give me a biological child. Since I don’t believe in divorce to solve the issue, should I just get over it and eventually move towards adopting a child?

Answer 1

well you shouldnt have married her until you had decided all the important things in life like whether or not you wanted biological children. but since its too late for that i would tell you to just get over it and move towards adopting a child. adopting a child, especially an older one who would probably never get adopted, can be a very positive experience and just as rewarding as a biological child.  however before you do anything i suggest you get couples counseling and figure out whats best for the both of you. not just whats best for her or best for you. kudos for trying to make you marriage work and not running to the divorce lawyer like 50% of americans.

Answer 2

A bad past can cause so much pain, and if her issues are kept bottled then you may even experience problems with adopting. My advice is to seek counseling and in the meantime do some research on adoption. Perhaps attend an informational meeting, that you are aware of the different opportunities you might use. Also have you spoken to your wife about a surrogate? You could still have a biological child but your wife might feel more comfortable with not having the stress of carrying or delivering the child. I wish you the best of luck, the best thing you can do right now is be supportive and loving towards your wife and be glad that she is willing to be open and honest with you about her concerns. Patience will lead you to the perfect solution!

Answer 3

Why would she hate one child and love the other?

She's not meant to be a mother in my book. Adoption is wonderful- we're planning on adopting to add to our biological children, I know I have babies out there and worry about them just like I do my own son.

But you cannot tell me that she desires to be a mother as long as she doesnt have to go through the pain and sickness and suffering of birth because she might despise her children. That suffering is easy compared to raising any child. She'd despise any of them if thats her mentality.

Dont have children with this woman- for the sake of the children. SHe's not able to, she doesnt have the heart for it.

Answer 4

I think you need to take the time to decide if you will resent this later.  Consider counseling as well.  This is stuff she should have thought of before you were married.  

Don't hold on to the marriage simply because 'you don't believe in divorce.'  I know too many marriages where they stuck together because of that mentality and both are unhappy.   You should stay together because you love each other even if you have no children.

Answer 5

You both should seek counseling regarding this.

Adoption should not be a comprise to save your marriage.

Answer 6

First off, if either one of you would be okay with a divorce, its probably not the right time to bring ANY child into your home, bio, foster or adopted.

Second, I was raised by a man who loved me, but didn't want to raise me. Let me tell you, its tough enough being adopted, much less if you know one (or both) of your parents didn't really want you, they just gave in and took you anyways. I have adopted an older child, and while I do not regret it and love him very much, its HARD. Its a lot more difficult than having bio children and harder than adopting a young child. When my other 4 kids act up, I have a long standing relationship with them and a bond to them that is there and I know that they will love and like me and I will love and like them when all is done. When my child I adopted at age 8 acts up, its harder because there is no history between us. Now please don't read that as "I don't love him as much" or "he isnt as good as my other kids" I'm just saying its much more of a transition. He also has special issues that come from being in an orphanage for 8 years (foster children have similar issues). Other older adopted kids can have the same, or a whole host of other special needs. I am not saying they aren't worthy of being adopted, or that they're broken or damaged, I'm saying you need to be prepared and really commit yourself to taking on a child with these needs in order to be able to handle it and keep your sanity, not just "I want a bio baby but I'll do this anyways to keep my wife happy". Your wife should also be aware of these issues because if she fears she might despise a biological child because of the stressors, I can assure you that older child adoption has its own stressors.

My advice is to get some counseling about it for now, and put a lot of thought and discussion into this.

Answer 7

My husband and I are in the process of adopting an older child. She has been in foster care since she was 6- her birth mother is in jail and her birth father is basicly a homeless drug addict. Her birth mother has no legal rights to my new daughter. My husband has custody of his daughter who I have grown to love as my own and we have no birth children together. Not for lack of wanting, but that was the path we were given.

Adopting an older child from the foster care system can be wonderful. You are giving a child a chance on a life they have never known. You should see her light up looking at all of our Christmas decorations, or going to see a play or joining Girl Scouts and playing soccer for the first time in her life.

But... there are challenges. She was with a foster family who got her near Christmas time and told this terrified little girl who just was removed from her mom (it was a bad situation, but these children are still very protective and love their parents) and they told her that there was no Santa Clause and that "good Chrisitans" don't belive in Santa Claus, they would not let her believe! And there were other issues with this family.

She had a failed adoption placement with her cousin. If a birth familiy member is interested in a child they have "first dibs". she is a nice girl, but she was 26 years old in medical school and her husband was in school and an paramedic. They had no time for her.

Now she is with us. We have battles every day. She doesn't know how to make friends, she gets in fights constantly with my stepdaughter, and it is tough. I cry at least once a week and want to give up, but I won't. My husband and I are in this for the long haul.

It is not easy adopting an older child. They have seen too much, been thru too much, and know things that other children their age will never know. But my new daughter brings us a lot of joy too!

Good luck with your decision!

Answer 8

Oh, yikes.

In theory, I would say that adopting an older child is great...for a stable couple that can handle it. It's got its own sets of challenges, and rewards.

But if she's expressing this much ambivalence toward being a mother, and has basically told you "if you want to leave me about the kids thing, it's up to you"?  I think those are huge red flags to almost any woman reading this.  The chance of a reluctant mother bonding with an adopted child they are basically taking on as a "second best" alternative isn't great.

Can I please, please beg you both to get into counseling before you make ANY major decisions about family?  Whatever her issues are about child-rearing, they may not be exclusive to a biological child, or a baby -- who knows what could happen when the stress of an older child kicks in? At least she's honest, but it sounds like something that needs to be dealt with before you invite any little person into your home.

I know it's none of my business, and I'm sorry about that, but you did ask.

Answer 9

Heaven help the child (adopted or bio) who is raised by this woman.

I know she is your wife, and you love her, but it does not sound like this woman should be a mother.  She knows this, you need to accept this, too.

Adopted kids (from foster care or infants) should really be considered special needs kids.  They have issues that I don't think your wife is equipped to handle.  She has enough of your own.

I believe you need to examine just how much having children means to you.  Is this a deal-breaker?  Is this something you can get over?

I vote for a childless marriage to this woman, or annul/divorce her, and find a woman better matched to your values/needs.

I hate to say it, but you might want to get counseling to find out why a woman this damaged attracted you in the first place.

I wish you the best.

Answer 10

Does your wife feel she can not cope physical with a pregnancy? If that is the case perhaps you can try hiring a surrogate to carry the child.(your sperm her egg) or does she just feel she wouldn’t be a good mother to a young child and would do  better with  an older child.  I would advise some counseling, at the most your lines of communication is open and that’s a good thing. Adopting  an older child can come with some difficult as well; that child can have some issues from being moved around so much, never really being able to depend on someone.

If your truly are set on having a bio baby, you may not want to give that up. If you do its possible you would come to resent your wife and any children you all adopted. If you are religious you might pray to the heavenly father about this.