Has anyone been in a similiar situation? Do I have bad parents, or am I bad? I want to heal and move on!!!?

Question

Last year I had a huge falling out/fight with my parents because I found out that they smoke pot everyday. I was really hurt and shocked. They had been lying to me for years, and I felt betrayed like I didn’t even know them. My little brother still lives with them, and neither of them work because they are both disabled. My little brother is very loved, but they don’t encourage him to play sports or be active, he just sits at home all day, and the only food found in the house is junk food. Anyways, the day after they told me, I overheard my mom and step dad saying terrible things about me and my BF, they were frantic that I had spilled the beans to him (which I Had’t), and that he had brainwashed me to not want them to smoke, they were afraid the cops were going to bust them, and saying more awful things about how they felt about me and my BF. I was in shock, I was so upset, emotional, confused, and scared I ran out of the bathroom to leave the house, they saw that I must have heard and immediately went into nurturing parent mode saying “oh we didn’t mean it, we were just scared, it’s ok, don’t cry”. I ran away and they turned it on me, and made me feel like a bad person for not being more “open minded”, and that I was being childish. They wouldn't accept me again until I said that it was okay what they were doing, and that I was sorry.

A year later my boyfriend and I Now smoke with them, (he used to be against it) because I just really want them to accept us. It feels wrong to me deep down, but I pretend its okay. I just bottle up how I really feel so that everything will be normal. I was staying for the summer and finally decided to leave so, I planned to move back to my college town early with my very supportive BF (he keeps me alive). I came up to get the rest of my belongings, and my mom went on the defensive. (She is very manipulative, argumentative, and she knows how to make me feel pain). It was a huge circus of her yelling and saying crazy things about how the only reason I’m leaving is because of my “controlling” BF, that I don’t appreciate them, and that I am brainwashed, and that I need professional help, etc, etc. I tried to be an adult and calmly explain to her that I was just going back to my college town, that her behavior was unnecessary, and that I needed to leave so that she could have time to calm down, and that I would call her in a couple days so that we could talk like adults. She went absolutely nuts screaming like a child, I started crying and being frantic because I couldn’t handle her, I went to leave and she was still yelling from the bedroom, I then lost it and told her to “shut up” (as loud as I could). The day ended with me on the porch talking about how I feel to my high stepfather, and my mother storming off to vent to her adopted parents. I felt that I got a lot of progress with my step dad and he agreed with how I felt about my mom, and why she is the way she is. He said that he would talk to her for me.

A couple days later I emailed my step dad to see how things went. My step dad wrote back saying that she is going to continue to be this way until I apologize, and that I need to apologize because she is my elder. I wrote back explaining how I feel about her, that she is stubborn, immature, proud, and angry, and that she has to grow up and apologize if she wants to be a part of my life. I told him why I do not feel that she deserves respect as an elder, and that I hope that this will be a learning experience that she can grow and mature from. She wrote back on his email, a very nasty long letter explaining that I am spoiled, childish, and proceeded to blame most of this whole thing on my BF, She called him some nasty things and said that he is ruining my life, and that he is only going to control me and not help me (he makes me very happy, and no one has cared me for or been there for me like him). She sent the email I wrote to all of her friends and family, and said that they all agree with her, and that she also spoke with my doctor who is “worried” about me. She said that she is personally going to pay for a psychiatrist, so that I can get help, ( I had been wanting to see one, but she was making excuses, putting it off, and wouldn't let me make the appt.), and that she hopes that "weenie boy" won't convince me to not see one (he was the one supporting me to see one in the first place). She said that she is “praying” for me, and used a lot of sarcasm, and pettiness. Right now I feel like the most awful person alive. I feel like I am black on the inside, and crazy. I hate myself, and have suicidal thoughts (I am usually so happy). I hate her, and don’t even feel like she is my mom. I just want this all to end. I don't know if I am just being crazy, selfish, childish, and all the other things she says. Or if I should stand up for what I believe in and that my feelings about her are valid....I don't know what I should do with myself, and this situation. someone please help me!

Answer 1

That is just a whole lot of craziness.  And I can't really give my opinion because it sounds like there might be some more deeper issues...  I really recommend that you all try family counseling.  If they really care about having everything normal again, they will do whatever it takes on all ends.  And if any of them refuse, or give you the run around about going, to h**l with them.  It still wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone by yourself.  But don't do it through your mom, do it on your own, privately, so that no one knows, or can throw it in your face like they are doing you favors.

Good luck.  

Btw, smoking pot to please your parents (or anyone) is just plain dumb, especially if you feel it's wrong and don't want to be doing it.  

Answer 2

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Answer 3

This sounds like a very difficult and challenging situation. But I have to say it also sounds like an extreme and melodramatic version of the sort of thing many young people go through during the process of detaching from their parents and moving out into the world. I can recall heated, irrational comments from my parents when I started making my own decisions about where I wanted to live and who I wanted to spend my time with. Some parents find it very difficult to detach, but I suspect there's a lot more than that going on in your family.

You come across as rational and intelligent. It also sounds like you've reached the point in your life where you can step back and see the flaws in your parents, but you're doing your best to see your mother's point of view and you're not completely unsympathetic toward her.

As a parent (and someone who is about 30 years your elder), I think that it's ridiculous for anyone to put emotional pressure on you to respect your mother, no matter what she does, no matter what she says and no matter how little respect she has for you and your life-choices. We all owe our mothers something, but respect is something that needs to be earned and it should always be reciprocal.

Beyond those comments, I really don't know what to advise. Family counselling has been suggested and that's possibly a positive avenue to explore, but you will all need to be fully committed to the process and I've known chronic potheads who would be totally incapable of that.

Dealing with your mother is obviously something you find very stressful at the moment and you clearly are not inclined to concede to her demands that you admit that she was completely right and you totally wrong. If it's possible, maybe the best thing for you would be to just let the dust settle for a while: politely decline the invitation to the lake and avoid contacting her or your stepfather for a while. Talk to them if they approach you, but refuse to be drawn in to emotional brawls. Focus on your studies and your boyfriend, give it a few weeks (or months) and see how things change.