Has anyone else adopted a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Question

My son has it and it can be so frustrating. One week he loves me, the next he doesn't. I love him with all of my heart and wish I could help him more.

Answer 1

Yes I think my grandson is going through this. My son has had the baby for now 18 days he has him the whole month. The couple who he lives with until the appeal courts do the right thing and give him back to his father.

  The baby which is 3 never crys or even ask to go home in fact he likes it here around his father andsister. If this couple bonded so well then I think the child would have been crying for them, NOT once has he.

Thank-you it's just I don't understand how when the child first met his natural dad he ran right to him and they looked like they were never apart. The pain I'm going through is going to be is july 31 when my son has to turn the child backover to a couple that should have never had him. And my worry is how this is going to affect thechild and his sister that lives 3 states away and is with her dad every other weekend.Why must people put these children through this there are tons of children in foster care that need help. The bible says help the father less not steal them

Answer 2

sorry for that ok  i think you have to give him chance and you have to bear a little patient. he will b ok

Answer 3

It must be very stressful

Answer 4

ahhh sorry to hear that but i hope he will be fine but no i didnt

be patience and goodluck wishes both of u

Answer 5

well let him know that you love him alot

Answer 6

My brother was adopted and he also had a severe attachment disorder.  Way back then, there wasn't a name for it, nor was there any understanding of it.  Personally, I am doubtful there were any workers (from the top dogs down to the lowest workers)  among the state adoption agencies in 1959, when my brother was born, who would have even cared to consider that serious repercussions would be felt down the road as a result of their callous practices.

I don't know the story of your son, and you certainly aren't obligated to author his biography for all to read.  Of course there are endless combinations of environmental factors that make each child who is stricken with this disorder a unique story unto him or herself.  My brother was adopted as an infant of only three months of age, but was so neglected in foster care during those critical three months that the physical and emotional damage was insurmountable.

And there are also genetic factors pulling their share of the strings, despite the denial of some psychiatric "experts" who choose to ignore evidence that doesn't fit their own "theory-of-the-day" which each one is almost certainly relying upon to launch themselves into some Freudian immortality in their self-obsessed need to leave some legacy equal to their own narcissism.

As a child, I was the youngest of two biological siblings that came along after my brother was adopted.  It was always very clear that he would have preferred to be an only child;  but, absent that choice when my mother became pregnant, twice, against all medical predictions, I am quite sure my brother found it even more unbearable when each of us were born female. My sister and I may have had an existance with my brother, but we never had a sibling relationship with him.  

Of course I am an adult now, and the mother of three children of my own.  I am also a Criminologist, and formerly a preschool teacher and counselor, who has studied extensively the many anti-social personality disorders that evolve from the child who fails to bond in infancy, often only because the beaurocracy of the child protective agencies who fail to recognize the catastrophic damage that is essentially irreversible.

This might be painful to read... but your son will almost certainly not get "better" ...and he won't one day wake up a well adjusted child with the capacity to love or empathize. He likely has no real understanding of what love actually is, and he will never be able to feel empathy or have an understanding of the pain others feel as the result of his actions. For these children, and later when they are adults, a conscience is completely absent.  Despite the child psychiatrists who promote hope to distraught parents who so want to believe there are endless possible ways to "create" or somehow "teach" these children the ability to feel empathy... the truth is that they are willfully dismissing decades of data that prove these "Utopia Theories" completely lacking in any credible evidence.  

There is no doubt in my mind that YOU have the capacity to love your child until the end of time.  And he will recognize your devotion to him and the security that it provides. The good news is that the vast majority of adults with anti-social personality disorders (such as attachment disorders) never become the criminals I have to deal with.  In fact, ironically, they become CEO's of major companies, successful stock brokers, neurosurgeons... etc.  The unconditional love you show your child, with an acceptance that he does not possess the capacity to return that love in the same way, will help guide him toward a productive life rather than lose him to the lure of crime.

Answer 7

its kinda like bipolar nice and lovin then hate every one and not realy know what has happened medication may help

Answer 8

I've thought a lot about adopting from foster care and stories like this are what make me wary of doing so. I'm afraid that I'll fall in love with a child that may never love me back. I don't know a whole lot about RAD but I do know that the most important thing you can do for him is to love him unconditionally. I hope things start to look up for you and your son. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 9

Hmmm interesting. I had never heard of this disorder and your question prompted me to do a quick look see.

I suppose the only real advice I can give is to hang in there. Obviously  your son must have been through some very bad times. It's a type of self-protection. Just keep being there for him and don't take his behavior personally. Hopefully with enough love, he will learn to trust you.

Answer 10

There is a woman on an adoptive support group who has adopted 4 children.  3 of them had some form of RAD.  1 had to be institutionalized, which she hated to do, and tried forever not to, until he tried to kill his bio brother, who was adopted at the same time.  The story is heartbreaking from what I've read on her blog, and with proper treatment, both medically, and phsycholigic, he's doing better after 6 months in treatment, realizing the processes he went through, and logically realizing it wasn't his fault.  My prayers are with you and your son.  Not only is it difficult on you, but the process that has made him have this disease must have been horrible for him also.

Answer 11

Hi Lindsay, you must be feeling overwhelmed and frustrated right now. I'm an adoptive mom (China), and luckily we have not had this same issue with our daughter, however, now that we are adopting through foster care, we've pretty much been told point blank to expect it, so we have done a lot of research, which obviously is not the same as actually living it the way you are. From everything I have learned, it really is going to take a lot of time and patience and consistency on your part, and of course love, which I'm sure your son is never short of.

As much as you are supporting your son, you need to have some support too. I would reccommend joing this group: www.informedadoptions.com. A lot of the adoptive parents on there have children dealing with RAD and they really do a good job at offering advice and and an ear to listen when you need it.

Good luck!!!

Answer 12

Im adopted and evadently I have that. Its like being bipolar. We feel like the world is against us and whenever everything is going right or good, something bad happends and going through the whole adoption and foster care thing makes it that much harder. My [adopted] mom and I are more like Big sister and little sister because I am unable to love adults because of what happend to me. I can say I am very thankfull of her taking me in but I cannot say I truely love her. Im not sure what your son has been through and how old he is, but be patiant with him. Dont get mad with him and dont expect him to love you. I know thats harsh but its true. Do the best you can to love him and let him know that you care about him and always be there for him.

Answer 13

I baby sat for a little boy many years ago when we lived overseas while in the military. This childs mother was active duty Army and a single parent.(with another on the way)This child was about 2 years old. I could not figure out what was going on with this child at that time. I started observing the mothers interaction with him. there was none. The bonding he so desperatley needed was not being given. My family tried to bond and be a secondary family to him. Like you

mentioned, he would be sweet at times, next very angry or unresponsive and mean for such a young child. It was rather scary, as I had a 6 month old at the time, I still wonder if we could have done more for him. They relocated before we did, and we have never seen him again.

I believe you might consider some type of counseling that specializes in this disorder. he may have not been given the Love and attention he needed as a baby. Don't give up. Love is the most powerful thing you could give this precious child... God Bless for taking this little boy into your heart and your home.......

p.s. my mother died when I was 3 months old and I was shuffled from family member to family member,& ignored by my father and eventually my step mother. they went on to have 3 other children. I was a year old when he remarried. I was literally left on the back burner. To this day  I  even have trouble  showing affection to my husband, I don't do this on purpose, with God you just take it a day at a time and learn alot of forgivness.....Peace..

Answer 14

My five year old son has RAD. And yes it is frustrating. Yes it is hard and heartbreaking for all members of the family. We have had my son for two years now and it is getting better finally. He will always have issues. It is extremely important that he receive support and have a support system outside the family circle including cyc's and therapists. Also, and as equally important, YOU need a support system! Find people who understand what this is like, people who don't judge either you or him. You are not alone.

Answer 15

I have not adopted a child with RAD, so I'm sorry if it bothers you that I am answering. I can't imagine how hard that situation must be. I just wanted to say that I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Good luck.

Answer 16

I haven't, but I've done a lot of research on it (and worked with RAD kids in a treatment facility, which is NOTHING at all like living with them - they don't "have" to get attached to staff, so the behaviors are far less).  I'm answering this question simply because I have some resources that might be helpful.  I don't know what all you've tried, and I assume your son is in therapy, so please forgive me if I'm repeating anything you already know.

I'd recommend signing up for the parenting reflections at the beyond consequences institute, and buying the book, "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control".  There are lots of other tools besides the reflections and the book that could help here:

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/articl...

I'm sure a quick internet search will bring up lots of other helpful topics, too, but I've got a mini-storehouse of information, so if this doesn't work, or if you'd like more, email me.

I know this is rough on both you and your son, and I think it's awesome that you're sticking with it.  That's the #1 most important thing you can do - DON'T GIVE UP!

Answer 17

We are planning to adopt and have thought about this same thing. I would suggest intensive therapy, ASAP. And I wish your family lots of love and success.

Answer 18

you noe u are so sweet...

i whish every parent is like u... i mean, other parents just give up on kids who are not "regular".

anyways... it can get anoying... but its not the kids fault.... as long as u give love to the child, the child will always love u

btw, did u noe that he had Reactive Attachment Disorder before adopting him?

Answer 19

Hi, Lindsay.

My children, luckily, do not exhibit signs of RAD.  We adopted them at ages 5 and 10 respectively.  

That said, I have spent years working at an acute inpatient child/adolescent psychiatric hospital, so I have worked with many RAD children, often during their most severe and violent episodes. (Thus, necessitating the emergency hospitalization.)  

My best advice I can give you is to keep networking, keep pushing to get the help and resources that your son needs and also be sure that you have the support and help that YOU need as well.  Parenting children with severe RAD can be exhausting.  

Best of luck to you!