Has anyone else been abused by adoptive parents?

Question

AM was dom, AD her sub in almost everything. They were infertile, and only adopted after failure was certain. They were old, unhappily married, and emotionally unhealthy.

They used fear and physical abuse (slapping, scratching, squeezing, using paddles), from first memories until I turned 14, and I finally beat up AF during an attack. The verbal abuse included non-stop criticism, aloofness, and AM saying "I wish you were never born" or "I hate you" (really?). There was some weird s*x stuff by BM at night: laying in my bed, rubbing my bare butt and calling me "s**y"--when I was about 7 until middle school or so. It might have been related to booze. It stopped when I began to vocally resist.

They show thinly-veiled contempt toward any success I have in marriage, childrearing, or school/work--as if it were unfair that someone "bad" like me is undeservedly lucky. My AM once told my wife to consider the "option" of divorcing me. When she told me, I wasn't upset, just numb.

Answer 1

unadopt yourself, run away and never look back.

Answer 2

Get rid of this nightmare people by move far far away and keep a distance from them.  learn not to be assimulated by their bad behavior. Indeed, even the BM got such weird saying made me feeling gross.  Just move to another state where is far away from them to reach... If they want to talk, yeh, by the mobile. In a year, saying merry xmas and sending present to them.  I wouldn't let my children to get any closer with them.  There must have some bad influence for your kids also for your whole family.  Have a new, bright and happy life for you and kids.

Answer 3

I was.

I hope you feel you have purged your distress over how you were treated.  I would not use YA to dump all the facts, but I was abused and I have dealt with it.  I'm now happily married after a couple bad starts, and have three children whom I love dearly and am proud of.

It's not what trauma you suffer in life... it's how you deal with it... do you learn from it ??  do you grow better from the experience ??  that makes the difference.

cw

Answer 4

I'm with Gershom. You are an adult now. You "divorce" THEM. You don't owe them anything after the way they treated you. I'm so sorry. No child should have to go through that.

Answer 5

that is the most saddest thing i heard i m feel soo sorry for u i think your should had called the police but i guess u r scared at that time i m glad u r happy now

Answer 6

yes. i was physicly emotinaly verbily and sexualy abused by both am and af i shot af and left. it started when i was seven and didnt stop till i was 17 i will give you further details but not here email me at [e-mail]

Answer 7

I am deeply sorry for what you have experienced.  Sadly, as you can see, it is not unusual.  When this happens we must make a choice between being a parent to our child or a child to our parent.  Cutting off ties with your abusive parents is an important step to reclaiming your life and the life of your child.  Your wife should not have to hear such abusive comments about you, nor should your child.  If they were abusive to you, they will be to your child also.  Please protect your child from these abusive people (your child cannot protect him/herself).  Failure to provide protection is in fact abuse by you. Please protect yourself and your spouse.  You are only married to one person.  That is with whom you are building a life, and the only person (excepting your child), with whom you now have a nuclear family unit and loyalty to.  Good luck and G-d bless.

Answer 8

Sadly, I was also emotionally & physically abused by my a.parents. Mostly by my a.mom.  They were 'functioning alcoholics', argued w/each other. Fought, yelled, blamed us kids.  

My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption.  That isn't the only reason she was abusive with me, b/c she was abusive with my a.siblings as well, who are her biological kids.  She was just MORE abusive w/me.  

Physical abuse included beatings with a paddle, belt or board that left welts &/or bruises.  I was once beaten with a board so badly that I was bruised from the top of my butt to the bottom, side to side.  I literally couldn't sit down for days.

Verbal & emotional abuse included telling me I was worthless, I have no friends, no one can stand me, even my (beloved) grandma & sister (whom I adored).  LIES. It was all lies. But the damage was done.  And yes, she asked every serious BF I had, "How can you stand her? Doesn't she drive you crazy?"  My husband has always had a funny, sarcastic, humorous response...a compliment to me...that he only shares w/me.  

My parents pushed me (as a young mom) for over a year to give my daughter up for adoption (when her dad & I divorced shortly after her 1st birthday).  

My parents were foster parents.  I was a foster child before they adopted me (in their home @ 18 months) by my 3rd birthday.  The abuse messed me up for a long time.  And even though I made a conscience decision to NOT abuse my children (I didn't spank my kids-who grew up loving, respectful, w/out trouble), sadly, the abuse I grew up with  affected my daughter's childhood.  She had a mom who was insecure & dealt with feelings of worthlessness & depression as she grew up.  

My children were also treated differently than the other grand kids.  There was obvious favoritism.  

I've had counseling on & off, done a lot of 'self help' through books, studies, group meetings.  It's taken a lot of internal work & soul searching.  Now, I'm happily married, a mom of 4, and 'yia yia' (grandmother) to 3.  

I was "unadopted" by my a.mom 11 years ago - 2 days after my a.dad died (he loved me & I loved him very much).  My a.mom left  a message on my voice mail to stop calling her.  In pain & grief already, I was stunned by her callousness.  I have not seen her or had a relationship with her since.

Best wishes to you my friend.  There is a life after the abuse! And a HAPPY life!

Answer 9

I wasn't abused by my adoptive parents, but I have gotten a LOT of abuse from a lot of the adoptive parents around here on YA.

(But not all...;)

Answer 10

Okay so AM Is adoptive Mother

AD Adoptive Father

Who is AF And BM ?

And No I was not abused and I am very sorry for you that you were placed in a home that did that to you

ETA --- oooo that is SICK :( I Am so sorry for that abuse NO One should ever have to endure that :(

Personally I would just have NOTHING To do with them

You dont need that sort of sh*t in your life

Answer 11

babe, divorce them, find your own plaace or live with friends while you can get on your two feet.. people who abuse will jus ruin your life.. no matter how much they say they love you.. in the end your going to get hurt badly.. jus run.. :) good luck

Answer 12

Yes I was.

I have had comments since from other family members like 'no one would abuse  a child they adopted' , which does not make sense. ..ie does it make sense to abuse your own blood?

My aM was the worst. aF just pretended I didn't exist, unless we had visitors round or were in public, then he put on a 'show' of affection. The rest of the time, he'd blank me.

aM beat me(with hairbrushes,garden canes,broom handles) made more than one attempt on my life, and nearly succeeded. aF held me under water once, till I stopped breathing..VERY frightening. ...before I passed out, I started breathing again. The emotional abuse was much worse, being told 'no one wanted me, not even my mother wanted me, no one would ever want me', aM used to ask me to commit suicide. I ran away at 15, but stayed in contact. Finally at 19 went with NO contact, until my 30's when aM phoned out of the blue (family had given my number) Stupid of me to let her back in, the abuse continued, she was SO jealous of my marriage, she tried to wreck it. With counselling, I gained the strength to face her (alone)..she admitted all the abuse to me and even gloated about stuff I'd forgotten, of course she denied this to everyone later. I went back to NO CONTACT..it's been bliss since!

3 years of counselling, made a big difference in my life. I would recommend it.

Sorry for what you went through. I have been trying to find others like this. The seems to be little help out there for abused adoptees. I think perhaps I will set up a website and see, if a help site can be started. If your interested in helping or supporting the site contact me.

Answer 13

Absolutely, it's terrible that they treated you like this, when they chose to bring you into their lives!  I would officially consider yourself "unadopted", and make your own life without their interference in it, or in your children's lives.

Answer 14

Sadly, it happens a lot.  I'm sorry it happened to you, it is not uncommon at all.

Before I get jumped...I'm not anti-adoption, I'm an adoption social worker....in my state a little four year old autistic boy was reported missing by his adoptive parents...turned out the adoptive mother beat him to death.

These are toxic people, I hope you can get help to heal and stay away from them.  Any success you have is a result of your resilience and strength, it has nothing to do with them and that is why they can't handle it.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Answer 15

My AM and I are great but my AF is a bit of a temper and flare a lot at me. i dont feel it is bc im adopted though when the issue comes up we fight it as he is unwilling to aceppt the fact and says, "to me you are my blood and flesh" and I hate that bc I dont like the way he act. If i was his flesh and bloos I would be ashamed at times. Also I am proud of hte fact and that a grown adult who took me on cannot accept the fact and take it proudly like I can makes me sick.

So I hvae been verbally and sexually abused by my father (sexually was nothing too extreme i feel from things ive heard) but verbal can get bad and he recently has gotten more phycial on it too.

I know he feeling same, when ever i hear the words of hate from my AF mouth I just turn numb.

Answer 16

yes. mine not only abused me she abused her natural daughters so bad they have blocked out most of their childhood and they only stayed with her til they were 10. how she got me i will never know. i am 30 and she is still trying to mentally abuse me. I think i am getting over it now. or i've figured out how to block it. i just really wish i could find the people that gave me to her and prosecute them fro child abuse but i guess that will never happen.

Answer 17

I'm very sorry for what you've gone through.  Abuse is never Okay, whether the parents were your natural, foster or adoptive parents.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 18

As you have already read here, it is not uncommon.  It happened to me too.  The emotional/psychological abuse is the worst because it doesn't show physically and because it lasts a lifetime.

I had an older "brother" who was my adopters' natural son.  He could do no wrong.  But everything I thought and said and did was wrong.  I can especially relate to your words "thinly-veiled contempt toward any success..."  except in my case it was not even veiled.

Too many people think they can love a stranger's child just as easily as they would (or do) love their natural child(ren), but it is never that simple.  Behavior they don't like gets blamed on "bad genes" rather than accepting the whole child and loving them unconditionally.

Both adoption and religious dogma makes it worse.  Religion tells us to "honor thy father and thy mother" - regardless of abuse - and adoption tells us to be grateful we were "wanted" or "saved," so both of these pressures prevent us from fighting for our own health and safety.  

Instead, as children, we smile and try to behave and pretend to be happy (what is the alternative??).  Our adopters and their friends all say we are such happy children and the adoption is working out great!  This is where we get so many of the stories supporting adoption.  Meanwhile, too many of us are living in an internal h**l.

Answer 19

By my adoptive parents?  No.  They were my saving grace.  It was my b-parents who abused me & my sisters.  

Regardless of "who" did the abuse, have you gotten any help?  You need to talk to someone.  It doesn't take away the hurt but it helps to learn how to deal with your emotions.  

Good luck.  I hope you find peace.  It took me many years, but I'm finally "okay".

Answer 20

I'm so so sorry

This is more common than people want to believe:-

http://www.amfor.net/KillerAdopters/