Has anyone ever given up their baby for adoption?

Question

I am in a relationship with a man of a year now and I found out a couple months ago I am pregnant. We are not married, nor living together, and right now he does not make enough to support us. I would not be working. I do not want to have a baby when I am not married, I also want to stay home with m baby. He has not done anything to show me that he is serious about stepping up, even though he told me if this ever happened, he would. So now I am considering adoption. I would like to know from some who has done it before. How did you recover from it? Did you hold the baby after you delivered it or not to avoid bonding with it? How long did it take you to recover from it?

thanks

Answer 1

Aw you poor thing, I will pray for you. I don't relay have an answer but good girl not aborting,

Answer 2

This is the hardest question I've read on here so far.

Have you considered an abortion at all? I wondered because you haven't mentioned it.

I couldn't imagine ever giving away a baby that would be SO hard.

If you did, the baby would probably come looking for you later on in life how would you feel about that?

I would actually think that quite a lot of adopted children would look up there birth parent/s when they were older.

My best friend is still looking for her dad and she is 39!

What is the prospective father to be's thoughts and opinions on the pregnancy?

Answer 3

I know a gal that did that, she was happy until the kid went looking for her after the age of 18, that was pretty rough on her. He was a stranger and she really didn't want to deal with him.  I think she had put that part of her life behind her it was a bad time in her life. I don't think adopted kids should be going around looking for their real mother afterall they had a decision to make and it was totally unselfish to give up your child. (If the mother really thinks she wants that communication she should have it written in the adoption paper.. okay to contact after an adult).

I also know a family that have adopted twice because they couldn't have any kids of their own and they were so grateful for the chance to have children.  Great people too.

So you go to place that helps unwed mothers and they will help you set up for the adoption.

You are doing the right thing!  You dont' want that baggage the rest of your life, and you will  be making some childless couple so happy! Focus on the joy you will be giving!!

Answer 4

My mum gave up her first baby 35 years ago because she wanted a better life for him and she has never totally recovered from it, I don't think you ever would though. She was single and thought that he would have a better life with a married couple. I don't think that she held him but she had to name him and that was hard enough, his named got changed anyway. We know this because he made contact with mum 14 years ago and then we met him for the first time 10 years ago. We all have a really good relationship with him.

In the end it is up to you what you do and whatever the decision is, as my mum says it changes your life forever. Good luck with whatever you decide

Answer 5

This is so heartbreaking to read

Losing one's mother via adoption creates no less grief than losing a mother during childbirth.  A loss is a loss and losing your mother is huge.

The only difference is when the mother dies whilst the child is young, their grief gets acknowledged.  With adopted child is expected not to grieve and instead is expected to celebrate losing their mother - go figure



Not holding the baby isn't going to make any difference - the bonding process begins in the womb.

It appears you have bought into the 'adoption is a loving option' myth and that's so sad

Please don't give your baby away.  You seem like a good person who would be perfectly capable of being a parent

I'll be hugging my babies closer tonight.  I would never ever want them to go through the trauma of being left by their own mother.  There is no substitute for YOU.

When you lose a child, you never get 'over it'

a word from real women who have relinquished

http://www.youtube.com/user/FauxClaud

Answer 6

No as an adoptee, I would abort before I would abandon.  A hundred times over.

I do believe abortion ends a life, but I think  that beats leaving a child with strangers.

eta:  Not a happy ending to abort, just a humane one.  Yes, withdrawing your protection from your child and leaving your child with strangers is abandonment, adoption is legal abandonment, but that is exactly what it is.

Answer 7

I'm an adoptive father.  

1.  If you are considering making an adoptive plan for your child...not considering "giving it up"

2.  Both our childrens' Birth-Mothers held the kids and demonstrated that they loved them.

3. We have open adoptions and see the kids' Birth-Mother often and consider them as much a part of our extended family as the kids are a part of our immediate family.

4. You'll always love the child.  You'll grieve more deeply at first, but you'll never totally "get over it". (this is strictly my observation, I'm sure a Birth-Mother could speak from a better position on this)

Answer 8

my heart go's out to you this must be such a hard decision for you to make but I'm sure that you will make the right decision for you & your baby. dont listen to all these jugmental people saying your wrong to give up your baby only you know whats best for you & you're baby my thoughts are with you. x

Answer 9

my mother in law gave her son david up for adoption, she now is joined to a group called first mother reunited, it is a support group for women, who have given their children up for adoption. It is a very hard thing to do, and there is no recovery for it. Some women here will tell you otherwise, but trust me even open adoptions are not always gaurenteed to be "open" my MIL just got into contact with her son at the age of 21 after a supposed "open" adoption gone awry. He had no idea that he was even adopted. You will miss the big eyes looking up at you saying love me, I am a mother of two, my daughter I was 19 and not married, I had no doubt that I was going to keep her. I was there for everything, at the age of 20 after I had her my boyfriend proposed, and we had another baby boy at 21. I am telling you the long term affects to adoption are horrible.

what first mothers reunited says and think about this......

ADOPTION IS A QUICK FIX FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!!!!

2 years down the line you may be married, have a good job and be happy. then when that happens you will never feel whole again, you will feel like your first born is not there with you, to share in it. Sometimes darling the adopted parents are not in a better situation than you yourself is in.

to other women, i am not against adoption but I do think that the term "open" adoption should be done away with because by law, no one is entitled to an open adoption.

edit: you said it was easy to keep a baby? no obviously you are not a mother. it is not easy to step up and get a job, it is not easy to work until you are nine monthes pregnant. you sound selfish, you want to be married and be a stay at home mom??? so because you cant do that you want someone else to raise your kid? say you do get married and become a stay at home mom? whats not to say you wont get divorced 4 years down the road... then what you going to give your child away? ohhh your so brave for giving your child up? no not here hun. your not even thinking about the baby, what is best for a baby is to be intact with its mother and father, not for someone else to raise it because well simply put you were too lazy to find a job. its 2007 hun there are a lot of kids that come from single parent families, and dont put them down because even kids who have both parents can end up in a family that screws them up. It doesnt sound like you even want this baby, you have said you will miss him or her but it sounds like you have made your mind up already.

Answer 10

Yep.  Magicpoint, MaryG and Jessica3's answers are all great.  All I can add is some personal experience.  It was 35 years ago.  It was the worst thing that I've ever experienced, even though her birth and holding her were the greatest experiences.  Losing her was devastating.  Don't let your baby go immediately.  Spend as much time as you can with her or him.  Find out what caring for your baby is like.  Get an Original Birth Certificate with the name you've given your baby (before)  IF  you sign termination papers.  Keep as much as you can from your time with your baby. Pictures, clothes, etc.  My beloved daughter found me when she was 19 years old.  She wanted these things very much.  She wanted to know where she came from.

I had bought into the myth of happy adoption and that her adopters would be sooo much better for her than I alone could be.  But it turned out that she was my child and so much like me and her natural father, that she missed US terribly.

I was so depressed at giving her up that I thought I wouldn't live through it.  I did, but the negative view I had of myself was debilitating.  I'm still recovering.  She and I are both in recovery.  It looks like it may be lifelong, even though we have a good reunion.

Though her father did not 'step up to the plate' and encouraged adoption, it wasn't long before he regretted his inaction.  Take your time making this decision and really look at all your options, knowing that you are uniquely linked to your child.

Good luck.

Answer 11

I have not given a child up for adoption, but I am the child who was given up. I recently discovered much more about my family through recerch, and now know my half-brother:

When my mother was sixteen she lived right outside of Moscow, Russia. She got into a relationship with a  German widower buisnessman named Kristopher, who had a son about two years old. After he left for home, she discovered she was pregnant. She gave the baby up (me) and when I was two, I was adopted into America. I live in a family of six kids, all adopted, and love it. I dont know who my mom is or what she is like, and I only have one photo of her, but I do know she held me once, because thats what you see in the photo. (it is blurry, but you can tell)

I wish you good luck, and plz plz plz give your child's adoptive family a way to contact you when he wishes to.

Answer 12

My mom gave her baby up for adoption when she was 17.  She didn't have a choice in the matter.  It was the hardest thing she ever had to do.  

My mom 65 years of age right now.  And wanted to find my half sister.  They Finlay found each other.  But now my mom is going thrue a really hard time with wanting to meat with her.  She feels guilty about having to do this.  

But look it was the best decision at the time for my mom to do this.  And yes she fe El's guilty for doing this but my half sister had told her it was ok and she adopted my a loving family who raised her and took care of her.  And she is not mad at my mom at all for doing this.  It takes allot hart to do this.  

If you chose to do this its ok.  And you are a very loving person for even choosing this direction.  

Good Luck to you.

P.S. I couldn't do it.  And I fell prego at 17 and had a aboriton.  And I know it was the right decision for me at the time.  So think it thru

Answer 13

I congratulate you.  You have thought about a lot.  I've not given up a baby for adoption.  I did however have 10 brothers ONLY because others gave up their children.  When I had my first child.... I had the same thing... But, I was living on my own.  I went thru 3 months or more contemplating what am I going to do?  Abortion... was out of the question for me... Adoption... I contemplated it for awhile, but, I didn't like the idea for me.  I did keep my son.  I raised him, and loved him, there were hard times.  He's now 15, and we've done pretty well.

Whatever you decide it is what you need to live with.  Are you prepared to give up your child for at least 18 years, and that is only if your child comes looking for you after that time.  Do you know a family member/friend that has wanted children but, couldn't have them?  If you do, you might suggest to them that they adopt your child, and that way you can still see your child grow up around you.  

Good luck in your final decision!

Answer 14

I have placed a child for adoption. I felt that it was the best for her. I found her very loving parents who adore her more than anything in this world. They still keep in contact with me and my first born. I miss her, but i know she is loved and well taken care of. It was a very hard decision. The day she was being discharged with her adoptive parents, I wanted to call my mom and have her bring the car seat up so I could take her home. But I knew in my heart that Her parents have waited so long to have children and now they could finally live that dream.

Answer 15

I adopted my son as an infant and I have an open adoption with my son's natural mother. She chose to put my son up for adoption for the same reasons as you. Many people on this site will tell you that you shouldn't put the baby up for adoption because of he/she not having a father. However, talk to any public school teacher and she will tell you of the value of having a father figure in a child's life. Also, I'm not infertile. Many people on this site will tell you we are all infertile, barren women, trying to steal babies. This is not true. My husband and I chose adoption instead of having bio children. Here are some more of my thoughts.

Open adoption is no guarantee but I have an open adoption with my son's natural mother. I love her very much and I would NEVER cut her out of mine or my son's life. She asked me to come to her last few doctor's appointments and be in the room when he was born. This helped me to develop a bond with her that will never be broken. She is going through some hard times right now. She got back together with my son's natural father. He abuses her mentally and emotionally. It kills me that she has to go through this. There are weeks at a time that me or my adoption agency can't find her and sometimes I lay awake at night crying and praying for her. She's in that cycle of abuse and no matter how hard me and my adoption agency have tried to get her out, she won't do it.

Anyways, I just wanted to point out that you can have a successful open adoption. I love my son's natural mother so much! Please don't listen to somebody that tells you they would have rather been aborted than put up for adoption. Obviously, they are not right in the head. They are the last person you should take advice from.

Answer 16

my aunt put a child up for adoption once, said she will never do it again, though she let a family member adopt her, she tried to get her back but they call her aunt instead of mommy, it kills her everyday.they have told her and she is comfused wanting to know why.just think about it real hard, later you will wonder and think of this child,later in life this child will look back at you wondering why do u have this child and not me. real issue to consider. but not trying to be rude or anything but if you knew u were not ready, you should have prepared before hand on this situation. just think long and hard before u do it. try to keep baby in family.because if somebody else gets this child you may never see this child again, and that will kill you.

Answer 17

Good Luck, I know you love your child it is evident in your post. I would recommend a lot of research before making this decision and if you choose adoption I would have an open adoption. Not all adoptions end badly, not all adoptive parents go back on their open adoption agreement. How ever I would personally take almost every answer you recieve with a grain of salt. We have more than our share of YA stalkers here, mainly those who have been adopted and not managed to work through their issues of being given up. I am sorry for all the crappy answers you have received here I would look to other forums for real answers to help you make this very tough, and unselfish decision. Here is a wonderful adoption forum with lots of links http://www.mothering.com/discussions/for...  I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you and your child whether it is adoption or you raising your child. God Bless and Good luck

Answer 18

I gave my daughter up six and a half years ago. We have a fully open adoption, meaning her adoptive parents and I have exchanged identifying information, visit at each others' homes, my daughter knows me, etc.

Overall, I have one of the best adoption situations I know of any first mom (birth mom) having.

And it still hurts like h**l, honestly.

As a result of relinquishing my daughter, I've developed PTSD, and two and a half years ago seriously tried to commit suicide.

Do I think recovery is possible? Yes... if by recovery, you mean learning to have a fulfilling life despite adoption loss. But if you mean recovery as in "get back to your old self," no, I do not think that is possible. Relinquishing a child fundamentally changes you. Even moms who claim they don't regret their decision to relinquish will say they feel they have been fundamentally changed by the experience, will never be the same again.

Before I got pregnant with my first born, the daughter I relinquished, I did not want children, either... not unmarried, and actually not ever. But feelings change when it's your own child. I now wish with all my heart that I had parented my first born. My second born, who I am parenting, is the absolute joy of my life.

I just don't recommend this journey to anyone. If you can find a way to parent, please do. Please. Once your're pregnant, your life will change no matter what you choose. You might as well choose the path that brings some joy with it.... the one with good night kisses and whispered "I love you"s and soft cheeks and a deep down ache of love and peace and happiness in your heart. Yes, there are sleepless nights, yes, there are tough moments, but you know.... there are sleepless nights (many more, in my experience) with adoption, too.... and the ache inside?--it is not from peace and happiness, it is from feeling empty and incomplete and unbearably sad.

Please parent if you can. Please. Because six and a half years later, and I'm still "recovering." Still in and out of counseling for it, still struggling with nightmares, and still expending energy to fight off adoption-related depression.

It is just really, really hard.

Here's my story if you want more "insider info" on the experience.... it's a link to my blog, and I would recommend that you not just read my story (in fact you might want to skip mine, it is long, but you are welcome to read it)... but would STRONGLY recommend that you check out the links on my blogroll. There are many moms who've relinquished children now starting to blog, and so many of them have had similar experiences... experiences of regret and heartbreak and struggle. Just read, read, read--everything you can--about what this can be like, please. The agencies won't tell you this stuff, so it's up to you to find out what the real risks are and weigh for yourself whether they are risks you want to take.

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/my-sto...

(((Hugs))) and good luck.

Answer 19

Well, I was a baby who was given up for adoption, and my mother and I have never recovered from it.

You really need to do some research, hon.  Please go to

adoptioncrossroads.com

They have nightly chats, too.

Also,

origins-usa.com

Please read:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

and

The Girls who went away by Ann Fessler

Your library should have both.

You can start getting benefits right now...

Answer 20

This is such a personal decision, but its great that you are searching for advice to help you out.

I have never given up a child, but may be someday on the opposite end and may be adopting due to the fact that I may not be able to have children.

I think adoption is one of the HARDEST things someone has to go through. But in the end, you are giving the gift of life. You are giving someone, like myself something they may not be able to be without you. Its like I said, a personal decision. But just remember either way, weather you choose to keep this child or give the gift of life to another family to raise and love, you did something wonderful.

In my eyes a child is never a mistake. But a blessing....

Good luck in your decision and your pregnancy.

Theres a whole world wide web of support out there if you need it!

Answer 21

Oh yes I gave my baby up, and I have regretted it every single day since I signed the papers. I fell for the "If you love your baby you will" stuff the agency spouted. I believed that they would keep their word and I would know my child afterwords. I believed that two parents were better than I could ever be, I believed in the end that I did not have the right to parent my child. You must consider all of your options, I won't tell you to have an abortion, women who decide on that will, women who decide against it won't. Abortion and adoption do not equate and are not the same issue at all. But two very different and seperate issues.

I will tell you that to really make an informed decision you need to know all there is about both adoption and parenting your child. If I had known about Title 19, Food Stamps etc. I would never have considered adoption, it was that simple for me. I won't call you selfish for wanting to be a stay at home mom, I did that with all of my children that I raised for a period of time. Not that I wasn't working, I did in home day care to help pay the bills. Children as we all know are not cheap to raise. Have you considered that as an option to your money issue? Because honestly if it is only a money issue that is making you consider adoption there are ways to have both your baby and a living wage without sacrificing your relationship with you child. The biggest myth in adoption is that the "forever family" is perfect, they are not. Divorce still happens, death happens and a myriad other things just like with the rest of us. NO one can guarentee your baby will always have two parents who stay together. I would also ask you to think of this, the abuse rate of adopted children is 84%. Yes you read that right, and it is not a number I pulled out of my hat, it is proven fact. Scary thought huh? Think very hard about this, and do alot of reading on the affects of adoption on the mother who surrenders. OriginsUSA did a study and you might be surprised by what you read in it. Also go to adoptioncrossroads and also may I suggest Ethica they have a lot of good information as well.

As for holding my daughter and recovery. I held her and was and am her mother. No less her mother for having surrendered her. Not holding her would have been a much worse thing. You can't not bond with your baby, the bond starts in your womb and continues ever after even after adoption. Don't kid yourself, even in open adoption (yeah open is so much better) the pain will still be there, you do not recover from losing your child, no matter how well you try to prepare for it. NO matter why you do it you NEVER EVER Recover from it. It is a loss so profound that I can't even begin to explain how it really makes you feel. To understand it you have to have lived it. I don't want any other woman out there to live with what I have lived with for 23 years. Please do the reading that was suggested and go to the website mentioned. You may learn alot and of course you may stilll go through with adoption. If you do we other natural mothers will be here waiting to help you try to  pick up the pieces when you realize just what you have done and just what you have lost.

Answer 22

My mother gave my sister up for adoption [yes, with the same loser father],  2 years before I was born. She was poor and working a dead end job and "dad" was in jail.

Anyway, mom always wondered about her and what she thought about being "given-away" and stressed her-self out thinking my sister hated her. Well, some time after my mom passed away I started searching for my sister... It took me almost a year and the hatred from the rest of the family who DEMANDED that I leave well enough alone, but I didn't , I just couldn't... We met and I found out that she didnt "hate" mom at all, she admired mom's unselfishness for doing what was best for her.  She was placed with a nice family [who adopted 3 other children] and grew up beautifully.  My heart still aches at the thought that mom never knew.....

Answer 23

I know of someone who did.  My friends ex-girlfriend gave up her second child for adoption.  She was a 17 yr old Blimpies employee whose residence changed monthly and lived in a town of less than 500 people.  The best choice she made was giving up that baby because she couldn't even take care of herself.  

The waiting list for adopting a child in this country can be six years long, or in some extreme cases, even longer.  The problem is not finding enough good parents, its that there are not enough children to adopt.  My former high school gym teacher had to go all the way to RUSSIA to adopt a child because they didn't want to wait half a decade in the US.

Hope that helps a little

Answer 24

i have never given a baby up for adoption, but i commend you for considering adoption instead of just aborting the baby, you are doing a very selfless thing by giving the baby up to someone that can give the baby a stable home and a loving upbringing...as for how to handle the delivery and the actual "giving up" of the baby i am not sure...but you will probably know what to do when the time comes...i wish you luck and i hope that more women take their cues from people like you who have gotten themselves into a bad situation and instead of only thinking of themselves they actually consider what will be best for the unborn child

Answer 25

We adopted our son in 2006 and have an open adoption with the birthmother.  She was/is/ and will be part of our family all our lives.  Deciding to place your child with caring adoptive parents is the most loving and courageous thing you can do when you know that you are unprepared to parent because of your particular circumstances.  You will experience many emotional ups and downs during this process and you may have lots of questions and uncertainties.  You will need counselors that in more cases are very experienced and will counsel with you in a caring and respectful manner to help you understand and deal with the issues that come up.

Good Luck!!!

Michael

At this moment we're looking for adopt our second miracle

Answer 26

I can't imagine why you would want to give up your baby.  The feeling of the baby growing inside you, kicking and all.  It would seriously make me wonder why anyone would want to give up there baby.  So what your not married, I had a baby when I was not married.  It ended working out great.  How old are you?  The thing that bugs me the most, u laid in the bed to make the baby, why not take care of it? I understand that you want to raise your baby, then why are you about to give one up?   It is not the babies fault that it is about to be brought into this world.  I hate to sound rude but I just feel strongly about people giving up a baby simply because.  I have been threw a relationship much like yours, the guy didn't stick around.  In the end you will find out who your true friends are.  I just hope your really considering all the side effects from giving a baby up for adaption.  Good luck to you!!

Answer 27

Nope but my aunt and uncle adopted one and he's a great kid.

They adopted him when he was a baby because they couldn't have any and they spent alot of time getting to know him.

Then she got pregnant and was so worried she would loose Mikey, I mean they really liked the boy and had to wait to see that their own son was going to be born healthy so I imagine they were really stessed till they got word that they could still adopt.

As I said he's a great kid, he's now my cousin Michael W and we love him dearly..

Answer 28

I was beaten into having an abortion in 5/1/1985, the baby's dad at the time was drunk, high, swore he didn't remember it. I soon left him, tried to get on with my life but he found me well he got a job, tried to change. I was a fool; this time on birthcontrol; when he found out I was pregnant again for the 2nd time he nearly killed me again drunk, high, again I left him but he always found me, would bring me back by threatening to kill me if I left him. He kicked me in the belly at 5 months of pregnancy, he beat me till I was unconciuos; I left again. Went into hiding and gave my son; Jesse up for apotion to save his life, keep him safe. His no excuse father still found me this time told me if I didn't go back to him that he would find my baby and kill him. I went back. Always knew where I was. I stayed on birthcontrol pills that he would give me everynight at 9 p.m. Well I got pregnant again this time I was going to keep the baby risk my life to have him. Well the last time he beat me tied me up left me in an apartment in san diego, in the barrio, ZI didn't know spanish. There were bars on teh window. He came back 2 days later pretending everything was find. Well I went along with it playing, saying everything he wanted to hear me say. He united me I told him I needed a shower, and something to eat. Well he never left me alone, when the shower was done, he tied me back up again so he could get something to eat for us. Call it fate but soemhow I got lose this time was ready to escape when he opened that door. I kicked him in the balls sending him down 17 steps out the door, down some more steps. by this time I was screaming, yelling, help, rape, fire, it made people notice something was wrong. I got away. Gave birth to my son. I met a good man later got married. My sons no good father is in prison on death row in the midwest. He'll never get out, he'll never find my babies. I had so sacrifice to much to keep my sons safe. Jesse is 21, Matthew is 19, I had the pleasure of meeting Jesse when he was 10 years old. He had been looking for me ever since he was 5. It was the best 2 days of my life to know that my son was loved, cared, for by such wonderfull people. Do what you think is right but I've always regretted it cause it cost me my baby. I keep tabs on Jesse he just dosen't know I do. Weigh all of your options very carefully, there are very good adpotive parents out there, good people, loving, caring, kind, most of all they can't have a child like everyone else.

Answer 29

I say ignore all the negative people on here.  You do what you have to do.  From what you letter says, you are not ready and are too unstable to raise a child on your own.  I think it is a big step that you can admit that.  I believe you are making the most difficult decision of your life, and these grouchy people on here are not helping.  Adoption is in place for all kinds of reasons.  I would much rather someone put there child up for adoption for the right reasons ( like you wanting it to have a better life than you can offer) than to see people keep there children and not possess the ability to raise it well.  Have faith that there are people out here that suppport you and back you up if you decide to give the baby up for adoption.  Like I said...follow your heart and do what is best for the baby AND you.  Good luck.

Answer 30

You have a good head on your shoulders.  So many people do not want to be honest with themselves about their ability to fully provide mentally, physically, and financially for a child.

I never understood why people are against adoption.  Too often we forget to leave emotions aside and to look logically at a situation.  

Love is great, but it will not put food on the table and it will not convince an unwilling sperm donor to be a father.

Don't be swayed by the negative opinions of strangers who will certainly not be there to raise this child. People use the internet as a form of free therapy through the act of venting hatred at complete strangers.

Answer 31

I notice a lot of the answers are coming from people who have not placed a baby for adoption.  =o(

To be honest I'm worried for you.  Between the question and the follow up comments to your question you sound like you have already decided on adoption.  I'm not going to play around with my answer here and I hope you read it a couple times just to make sure you aren't reading my answer for more than it is.

One of the hardest parts when it comes to placing your child for adoption to heal from is coming to terms with your own actions and inactions.  The best thing you can do for yourself is not know what you are going to decide and prepare for both.  By all means, explore adoption, but at the same time prepare for parenting.  Deciding before your baby is born that you are going to do adoption is very easy.  It's easy to think that there are better people than you to raise your baby.  It's easy to think that this is the noble path.  It's easy to make an adoption plan and no parenting plan so that when the baby is born you have no other choice.  But there's the thing, it's not really a fully informed choice then.  There is a list of ways coercion comes into play when you place your child for adoption.  If any of these come into play, your healing afterwards is that much harder.  http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_co...

I'm not entirely sure there is a good way to prepare for relinquishment. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would honor the process of deciding between adoption and parenting better. Part of the problems I have had in the years since relinquishment is coming to terms with not being my own advocate. Not only did I relinquish my child, I relinquished my judgment to other people's advice for fear of either being too needy, or out of fear of making the situation worse.

So with that, I say honor the process. You cannot decide that you will relinquish your baby for adoption until after birth. You can make an adoption plan though. You can look at profiles and possibly pre-match with a potential adoptive family. Keep in mind that this is just a plan, and the potential adoptive family is just that... potential. It is so easy to let yourself think of your baby as theirs instead of yours. It is so easy for potential adoptive parents to think of your baby as theirs and not yours. Be kind to everyone involved and not let that assumption be made. This is your baby until the termination of parental rights is signed. They should not accompany you to doctor's appointments. They should not be at the birth because of how easy it is lose sight of the huge choice you have to make after the baby is born. If you still choose adoption, they will have a lifetime to bond with your child.

If you were to choose adoption after your baby is born, realize that every moment of the time you have with your baby will be forever etched in your memory. Hold your baby. Take the time to absorb that time in. While some say the thought of looking or holding will make the separation hurt more, the lack of holding or looking hurts way more in the years to come. Also take a lot of pictures of you pregnant, and a lot of pictures of the baby, especially you holding your baby.

Also, look at all your options. You need a parenting plan in place. You cannot make an informed decision without know all of your options. In fact, the pressure placed on you to relinquish without a parenting plan is that much worse.

Here are some good links to get some serious thought into what is to come:

Safeguarding the rights and well being of birthparents in the adoption process

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publica...

Finding the resources to support an open adoption

http://www.openadoptionsupport.com/

Oh and one last thing.  One of the most overwhelming things about considering an adoption plan were dealing with the comments like you are receiving to this post.  As much as it is to deal with hard comments like this, there is some truth to each of the comments, and the grief work comes with living with the duality of choosing adoption.  Loving your child while giving your child away is a very tough thing to live with.

Edit to add:  You asked for opinions of those who have been there and done that.  I can tell you the birthmothers who tend to give positive answers about placing their children for adoption are very new to their birthmother title.  I never said don't place your child for adoption, the summary of my post is be real about this situation.  This is your child and regardless of whether you choose adoption or parenting, your life is not going to be the same again.  I feel for you, because I've been there and done it.