Has anyone experienced an "open adoption" with your child's former foster parents?

Question

We are currently in the process of adopting through foster care and we are being considered for a 2-year old boy who is VERY attached to his current foster family (who he has been with since he was taken into care at 2 months) and they are equally attached to him. If we are chosen, it was decided that he would be transitioned into our family gradually in the hopes that he can get to know us before he leaves the only family he has known. We would like to go a step further and have them become part of our lives as well, much in the way we would imagine an open adoption would work had we adopted an infant through private adoption.

The child's social worker was not encouraging as she thought a clean break was best, but we are not really interested in her musings (she spouted a lot of nonsense).

There is absolutely no contact allowed from the first family and as much as I think that is important, in this case I agree that they should not be involved in any way (abuse).

Even though these people are not his blood family, it's very clear he adores and loves them and I don't see how it could do anything but benefit him.

Have any APs done this? How is working out? Are any PAPs thinking of doing this? Are their any adoptees that were adopted from foster care that experienced this? If not, would you have liked to?

Answer 1

We still see our kids foster family. It is vitally important. Each time a bond is broken with a care-giver, the child is less likely to attach to another care-giver. Besides, if you do not have to rip another person out of the childs life, why would you.

I think it is really positive that he or she will have people in his life that hold memories for him.

Answer 2

Hi Kazi,

Yes, we are in exactly that situation currently. Our achild's former foster parents had him from birth to 1 year old. He was placed with us after a week of visits to the foster home. The transition was 'great' as far as him being able to bond with us and feel comfortable with us. His foster family are wonderful people and we truly wanted to keep in contact with them, but we were also encouraged not to.

There are several reasons for that, but the main ones are the immediate issues of bonding.

He WILL remember them as his parents and he will remember their home, their stuff, their smells, etc. While you don't want him to forget those things, CPS doesn't want him to associate all of those things with 'home' and 'family' or mommy and daddy.

It bothered me at first, but I stuck with their plan for 2 months. We stayed away from them and we focused on bonding with our child. We wrote them twice and sent pictures, but no contact information on our side.

After 2 months, we decided that he had bonded sufficiently enough with us to call us mommy and daddy and to show signs of comfort and happiness when we were around. Once that began happening, we scheduled a visit in a neutral location and started to visit again. He seemed happy to play with them, but no more thrilled about it than any other person lavishing him with attention. They too seemed happy to see him and happy to hear about his progress, but also to 'see' us as his parents. Regardless, this family loved and cared for him...took him home from the hospital...helped him through numerous therapies, etc. I don't think people who love my child that much should ever be excluded from his life. We do, however, agree with CPS that--at this time--returning him to the foster home might bring up confusion..his crib, his room, his old house. I don't know if that will always be the case, but the foster family was more than happy to meet us wherever we wanted to meet...so it hasn't been an issue. We have been completely thrilled to have this extended family for our child...people who love him and can continue to support and cheer him on in life. We are nothing like them and we have little in common, but obviously we have all found one thing we can agree on....that this little boy means the world to all of us equally.

Answer 3

My son was removed from his fhome when he was 3 weeks old. Family members took his older sisters and he was placed in a foster home. He was in 3 foster homes before he came to us at 6 weeks old. I had info on each one and called them up asking for any pictures and info on how he was during his time with them. I still am in contact with the first and third family that he was with. I still see them at foster/adopt classes and parties. It was only a short time that he was with them but I don't want him to feel like their is a void in his life not knowing where he was of what happened to him.

I would take the time to bond with him while you develop a relationship with the adults over the phone/e-mail. It will give you a chance to get information with out the distraction of your lovely little one running around. You should write any info you get down. It will be important to your son one day. When your all ready I would start having visits and including them in your lives, b-day parties, etc.

Answer 4

I do know of a couple that did this the girl was 14 or 15 months old at the time and had been with her foster family since she was a month old. When it was decided that they would adopt her they took things slowly. They started going over to her foster family’s house and just spending time. Once the little girl was use to them they would take her out and do family activities, go to the zoo or the park etc.  They also wanted to get their 2 year old son whom they also adopted use to having her around.  They worked up to her spending a few weekends at their home to make the transition period easier on her. Well she’s 4 or 5 years old now and they still keep in contact with her former foster family and will get together and do things. They said a child can never get enough love, which is true.