Has anyone got any good Football jokes then?

Question

Best one gets BA......so vote with thumbs up!! I'm mainly looking for LIverpool jokes but any other team will do also!! lol

Thanks in advance people of the footy section!!

BTW: I didn't post it in Jokes section as I thought I'd get a better response here...more knowledgeable users!! ;);)

Answer 1

These aren't really jokes. But they're funny (AND TRUE) quotes:

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry

'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones

Pretty funny. Jeez they are stupid.  

Answer 2

What have Michael Jackson and Tim Howard got in common?

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Answer 3

Chelsea's Midfield, too many feet not enough balls.  

Answer 4

Well there's the one about Arsene Wenger walking around his house in the nude. He got a hard-on, walked into a wall and broke his nose :D

Answer 5

Manager to the players:It's not about winning it's about getting the 3 points.

Answer 6

An Arsenal supporter and a Man U supporter are captured in Iraq.  They are told they will be executed, but they will get a last request.  The Man U supporter says, "My last request is that I want to tell you all about Manchester United." The Gooner says, "In that case, my last request is that you shoot me first."

What do you call a brain surgeon in Manchester? A proctologist.

A Gooner talks about Arsenal's last title in 2004, and a Chelsea fan says, "Wait a minute, football was played before 2005?"

How many Arsenal supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None: We make Tottenham supporters do it for us!

Want proof that Tom Cruise isn't crazy? The reason he's jumping up is that even HE hates Tottenham!

How many Spurs does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter, the lights always get turned out on them anyway.

Answer 7

What's the difference between a scouser funeral and a scouser wedding?

One less drunk!

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Rafa Benitez signs a new superkid from a foreign land. On the first day of training, Rafa gets a ball a says “you get this and kick it at the goal.” The new superkid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless.

Next day of training, same thing happened Rafa says “you get this and score a goal”. Again the kid looks bewildered but carries on. Third day same thing “you get this and score a goal”.

Finally the foreign superkid gets up and says “Boss I speak  very good english and know what to do”. Rafa says “sit down son, I'm talking to Dirk Kuyt!”

----

One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.

"Age?" Peter asks.

"24" the little scouser replied.

"Where did you live?"

"Well, um, Liverpool"

"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.

"Red till I died" replied the scouser.

"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little twats!"

"But but I have done good things."

"Like what?"

"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"

"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."

After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.

"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.

"What is it?" asked the scouser.

"Well, here is your thirty quid now p**s off!"

Answer 8

yes glasgow rangers

Answer 9

Chelsea there a joke and they are the scum.

Answer 10

man u

Answer 11

Arsenal

Answer 12

a mp was found dead wearing his man united football shirt the police dressed him in women's underwear to hide his family from embarrassment ( old i know)

heres some more too

http://www.lfc4ever.de/id75.htm

Answer 13

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?

Skid marks in front of the dog.

Answer 14

- Carlsberg dont make gobshites, but if they did, they would probably be the biggest gobshites in the world.

- Dirk Kuyt went into Burger King and asked the Assistant for two Whoppers. She replied, 'Your good looking, and your first touch is superb'

- What do you Call Peter Crouch If He Wasn't A Pro Footballer?

A Virgin

- What did stevie g's bird's left leg say to her right?

Nothing, they've never met!!!

- Q: What do you get when you offer a redshite fan a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change

- Q: What do redshite fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities

- Q: What do you say to a redshite supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?

A: Nice tattoo.

Answer 15

Posh to Becks,in bed, trying to rouse hubby by placing his hand in a strategic place Come on David,havent you ever felt a F****?

YES ,I MISSED A PENALTY AGAINST LIVERPOOL he replied.

Answer 16

alright mate...its a bit long winded...here we go..theres 3 blokes on safari in africa..all mates even though theres a man utd..liverpool and arsenal fan...anyway...theyre walking through some dense jungle..when all of a sudden they come across some sort of jungle tribe..doing a bit of dancing and singing(as they do!)...anyway they get noticed and get captured..... and they get thrown into like a jungle hut...after a while and one at a time they are taken out...and are each given 1 last wish.....so the utd fan says."il have 20 f**s...."..so they give him 20 f**s..he smokes em..they kill him,hollow him out and use his torso as a canoe...next up its the arsenal fan.."il have a bottle of whiskey..."...he drinks it,they kill him,hollow him out he gets the same fate as the utd fan....so its the scouser turn...hes asked whats his last wish..he says...."il have a fork?"......and before stabbing himself to death....laughs and says you aint making a canoe out of me!!

Answer 17

BUTLINS

Proud new sponsors of Liverpool Football Club

Because our season ends in October too!!

JAYDe.. Everton played in 12 European ties last season you silly sweat.   we went out on Penalties, so f*** off with your cheap laughs

Answer 18

What do you a scouser in a suit?

The accused!

TADAH!!

Oldie but good

Answer 19

last night there was a break in at everton football club and the contents of the trophy cabinet were taken,police say they are looking for a man with a blue carpet

Answer 20

come on man united!! :D

Why does the river mersey run through liverpool?

because if it walked it would be mugged!

Steven gerrard gerrard, he cant pass two yards two yards...

Officials of Iraq have claimed that Saddam Hussein hasn't been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live...

He said "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were total sh**e on Saturday."

The British Government said, "That could have been recorded months ago."

haha

daveman

Answer 21

Guy meets a nice girl from Southampton.

On their 4th date the couple end up kissing, hugging and snuggling on the back seat

Girl says to guy - " I want you to kiss me somewhere dirty and smelly"

"Sod that" the guy replied...."im not driving to Portsmouth at this time of night"....

Answer 22

A young Iraqi boy signs for Liverpool and in his first game scores a Hat-trick, after the game he phones his mum and tells her about his first game, obviously she is delighted, he then says "how are you mum?" his mum says well "the house has been bombed, your dad's been shot, your sister's been raped, the car's been burnt out and ive been robbed at gunpoint.......why the F**k did you bring us to Liverpool you little t**t?"

Steven Gerrard goes to the doctor's and says" doc everytime I look in the mirror I get a hard-on" the Doctor replies "that's because your a c**t"

Its an old one I know!

Answer 23

http://www.gfdb.com/images%5Cpictures%5C...

Answer 24

Its a bit long but

It's a big match. Manchester United vs Liverpool and all the players are busy receiving their pre-match breifings when suddenly, a Manchester united player says

"We dont need to be here, its only Liverpool after all"

This was greeted by a general murmer of consent. Ronaldo stepped foreward and said, "Why don't you guys go on and get a few drinks? I'll take Liverpool on by myself."

And so, all the United players left the stadium and went to the local pub, leaving Ronaldo all alone to face Liverpool. The rest of the team was having a good time and decided not to watch the whole match on the telly, so they started shooting some pool and enjoying themselves. Eventually Vidic suggested that they check the score so they did: and it said 'Liverpool 0 Manchester United 1 - Ronaldo 10'

The team was very impressed and they started cheering loudly. They switched the match off and continued with their drinking until a while later, Vidic again suggested that they check the score. This time it said 'Liverpool 1 Machester United 1 - Torres 90+4' The team were really dissapointed but they decided to go back to the stadium anyway and see what happened but when they got there, they found Ronaldo in a corner, crying to himself. He was really blue so Rooney tried to comfort him. 'Why are you crying? You managed a draw with Liverpool, all by yourself."

To this ROnaldo replied, thourgh tears, 'But I got sent off at 11 Minutes"

Answer 25

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player."

Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"

Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

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Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

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Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Liverpool fan?

A: A battery has a positive side.

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Q. Why can't you circumcise a Scouser?

A. Because there is no end to those pricks.

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Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?

A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

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Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?

A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Answer 26

Everton have a new sponsor: EASYJET

....in and out of Europe in 90 minutes

(: