Has anyone got any good top tips?

Question

If you've never read viz you won't know what I'm on about

http://www.viz.co.uk/

click the top tips link at the top of the page. Comedy Genius.

Answer 1

With reference to the above suggestion from Chippie; what a cheek! It's my Micra I've lent him.

Answer 2

Yes, Wait a minute and i'll find some:

Right here we go:

Music Lovers:

Don't waste money on expensive ipods.

Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.

If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Cinema goers:

Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts.

Rappers:

Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen.

Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

Burglars:

When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Employers:

Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin

Blind People:

Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

Drivers:

If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.

This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.

In the morning, simply move it all back again.

Car thieves:

Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.

All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

Depressed people:

Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

Single men:

Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.

After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

Alcoholics:

don't worry where the next drink is coming from.

Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDonalds:

Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And finally:

Be carefull when the phone rings if you are doing the Ironing

If you burn your ear when the phone rings whilst you are doing the ironing and you want to call an ambulance be carefull once again!

Answer 3

"Micra drivers, in order to go faster please select the gear marked 5"

This one made me laugh as my Micra only has 4 LoL.

Answer 4

Never eat yellow snow.

Save the expense of carpets. Buy two sample squares and tie one to each foot.

Condoms with anaesthetic cream on the outside can be worn inside-out so as to avoid disturbing your sleeping partner

Avoid parking tickets by removing your windscreen wipers

Prevent your grubby work colleagues from nicking your milk by decanting it into a soya milk carton or bottle. No-one will touch it, believe me.

Annoy sarcastic people by pretending to take everything they say at face value.

Fit the business end of a shredder to your letter box and avoid paying bills.

Not so much a tip, as something you can do to really annoy a co-worker. Take the gubbins out of a musical Christmas/birthday card and stick them inside a keyboard. They don't need much power and they can be run by connecting them across the LED for, say, Caps Lock. We all know that key is a crime against humanity so for repeat offenders try it with one of the sweary cards you can get.

Access the autocorrect function in Word, and replace "Analysis" with "Anal s*x". 9 times out of 10 they won't notice until they've handed it in.

Athletes! Draw attention away from the fact that you've taken steroids by running really slowly.

If you put an After Eight on top of a chocolate digestive, it tastes exactly the same as a mint Viscount biscuit.

Annoyed by your room being stuffy at night? Then open a window, and let in a gentle breeze.

Don't pat a burning dog.

Big fat ugly lorry and van drivers, don't beep at girls whilst driving past them, how are we supposed to give you our phone numbers to arrange a date which I am sure would be dreamy?

Do not use a nasal inhaler in Iceland You'll wreck yer Vick

When listening to an idiot speak, repeat the last two words of every one of his/her sentences. It will eventually drive them potty.

Don't bother with clean underwear 'in case you have an accident'. You'll probably c**p yourself, anyway.

When a scrounger asks 'could you help me out' say 'yes. pick a window.'

Go to a restaurant, order a meal then pay for it and sneak out without eating it.

If on the way home in the early hours you are asked by a policeman to  accompany him to the station ask 'why? are you lost?'