Has anyone had an experience with private adoption in which the birthmother has 'taken back' the baby?

Question

A co-worker of mine is in the process of adopting, and her and her husband arranged a private adoption with a young birthmom (legally and through a lawyer), in which they paid all her medical expenses, maternity costs, etc, with the understanding that the baby would be placed with them at birth. They even paid for the birthmom to see a therapist to make sure she was ok with adoption, etc etc. My co-worker was supposed to start maternity leave next week, (the baby was born 8 days ago, and they've spent every minute they can at the hospital with him) and came into work today in tears because her and her husband received a phone call this morning from their lawyer telling them the deal is off. l just started working with this lady, so l don't know her that well, but l want to offer her some comfort. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you think it's unfair or wrong?

Answer 1

Just one more reason  I wouldn't adopt...  I know that sounds awful but I just couldn't stand the idea of getting attached to a baby and then having to lose it.

Answer 2

This is one of the many reasons we chose and international adoption.

Answer 3

The mother can change her mind any time before birth and the birth mother still has so many days to change her mind after placing the baby up for adoption.

The attorney should tell this to the clients before.

This hapens all the time. Its better for her to know at this time, rather than take the baby home and get a call amonth or two later about the mother wanting her baby.

It may be unfair, but this is the law and the attorney should have explained the process in detail so your co worker would know what she was signing up for.

Answer 4

I know someone , that has had that problem and they were so upset when the mother decided to keep the baby, it is hard no to get attached but in this situation all you can do it pray ..for the life and heath of the child if things dont work out the way you want them to... but stop and understand how the mother feels..... young probably  scared having people tell her she cant do it and then .....  a thought a whisper telling her she can when maybe that is all she needed to grasp on to and say okay I can ......

Answer 5

Unfortunately with a private adoption like that (arranged through an adoption lawyer) that sometimes happens. Many times the lawyer works it out where you pay some medical expenses, etc. for the b'mom and by law if she changes her mind she is not responsible for repayment. It's sad but it has opened the door to scams and dishonest women who never planned on following through with an adoption. That is why we chose an agency adoption b/c after our homestudy is complete we pay nothing until the baby is placed with us. The down side is the wait may be longer.

Hope that helps!

Answer 6

It's not that uncommon.  Most women don't realize what they are giving up until they are holding the baby in their arms.  This is why I firmly believe that a person shouldn't make any concrete decisions about adoption until they have given birth and are no longer on any sort of pain medication.

It is very sad for your co-worker but it is never wrong for a mother to decide to parent her own child.

Answer 7

Sorry, she was never a birthmother.  She was a mother who had made an adoption plan and adoption plans are just that, a plan.  They are purposely not set in stone because the decision to place a child for adoption cannot be made before the child is born.

Want to know what I think is unfair and wrong?  I think the current American domestic adoption system is wrong and unfair.  Why are pre-birth adoption matches even encouraged knowing that statistically a good portion of mothers will not place their child for adoption?  Matching with adoptive families should come after the baby is born and after the mother has decided that adoption is really the choice that should be made.  It would spare a lot of broken match heartache and maybe even spare society from false "birthmother changed her mind" stories.

Answer 8

Oh, those poor people, my heart goes out to them.  l'm a mother myself, both through birth and fostering/adoption, and let me tell you, the moment you set eyes on 'your' child, however they come into your life, you love them in a way you never thought you could love another person.  What an awful situation for both your friend and the birthmother.  Although l would never say it's 'unfair' for a mom to want to keep her child, perhaps not making any arrangements until after the birth would have been more prudent, just to safeguard the feelings of all involved.  lf the adoption doesn't go through, l think it's important to remember that this woman has lost a child.  Many won't see it that way, but she MUST be allowed to grieve for her loss.  Maybe you could get her a condolence card and a display of flowers (wait until it's definate though), and just give her your deepest sympathies as you would to anyone who has experienced a loss.  My thoughts and prayers are with these people, and l hope they will be blessed with a child later on.  Best wishes.

Answer 9

I am sorry this has happened to your co-worker.  

Unfortunately, that is the risk potential adoptive parents take when they decide on domestic adoption.  The time between being matched with a potential birthmother and the signing of the termination of parental rights by the potential birthparents is very difficult emotionally for potential adoptive parents.  By law, birthmoms cannot relinquish their rights until after the baby is born.  Depending on the state, this could be 24 hours or days afterwards.  Then in many states, after signing she still has a time period in which she can change her mind.

For many reasons we chose domestic adoption and were willing to take the risk of a mother deciding to parent her child even after the child was born.  It may seem unfair to us as adoptive parents, but adopting a child is not a "deal" that is made.  The laws in adoption are made to protect the child as well as the birthparents and adoptive parents.

To financially protect us, we chose an agency adoption.  If our children's birthmother were to change her mind, we would only be out the money we had paid to that point and we would not have to pay that money again when we were chosen by a birthmother again.

The best thing you can do for her is just let her know she can talk with you if she feels like it.  She will be grieving the loss of this child possibly forever.  My heart hurts for her.

Answer 10

That birthmom should have thought long and hard before agreeing to let your co-worker adopt her baby.  I am a birthmom and I just placed my baby 9 days ago.  I have some bad moments, and I did get to hold the baby and see her and touch her cute little face.  But I could not dream of hurting her parents like that.  Her new daddy is so over the moon in love with her and her mommy cried for the two days we were all in the hospital.  I had her c-section and I have been home for days now recovering.  Her daddy called me to see how I was doing and asked how my older daughter was handling it.  They have given me a lot of support.  There will be times when I regret my decision, but I know I did it because I loved her enough to know that I was not capable of caring for her at this time in my life.  Things may change in the years to come, but I could  never NEVER just "change my mind" and decide I want her back.  Not even now.  It would be selfish on my part and unfair to her parents and to her.

I know every state is different, but there needs to be a timeframe.  Give the birthparents only a day or two to change their minds.  But weeks or months, or even years is not fair to the new family.  Causes too much heart-ache.