Has anyone had an open adoption?

Question

My husband and I are starting the adoption process, we have found the agency we want to use and are about to go to the first orientation. We have decided to do an open adoption and were wondering has anyone done this? How open should we be? I know we want the birthmother to know as much info about the baby she places with us but not sure how much info we should give and how to set up bounderies.

Answer 1

I have what is consider a simi open adoption. I send pictures and letters though the agency and if the birth mother and father choose to, the respond through the agency. I also have pictures of my sons birth parents to show them if they ask.

I am wishing you luck and God Speed

Answer 2

I guess it depends partially on the birth mother's situation.   Do you want your child exposed to her?  Some birth moms are involved in lives that you may not want  a child to be introduced to.

If this is not the case, and if the birth mom just felt that she could not properly care for the child, then an open adoption may be a great idea.  

Although the story below is certainly the exception rather than the rule, I do have one warning that is based on an article that someone against adoption posted here a few weeks ago:

Have an attorney draw up the paperwork necessary to allow either one of you to terminate the relationship at any time.  The article discussed a birthmom that decided to start treating the child as her own, and she told the child that he/she shouldn't treat his/her adoptive parents like they are parents.  She eventually caused some emotional trauma.  The adoption agreement stated that the adoptive parents were required to allow visitation and contact.  the adoptive parents didn't know that they could have terminated the relationship for cause, until thedamage to the child was done.

Answer 3

You can set up boundaries with an open adoption.  If someone tells you otherwise then they do not know what an open adoption is and what it entails.  There are boundaries.

I am currently in an open adoption with my daughter and her parents.  I respect them and they respect me.  I respect the decisions they make as they raise her.

You can be as open as you care to be.  As comfortable as you are with it.  Ask questions.  Find out what you are comfortable with.  Most OA agreements are not legally pending so you sign an agreement.  Start with the min. that you are comfortable with: it is easier to open something then it is to back away or close.

Answer 4

How exciting that you're planning to adopt!

Our family has been in an open relationship with our son's mother for almost ten years now, and it is working well for us.

We are a little unusual because of the amount of contact we have,(his birth mom has overnight visits from him once a week) but it does mean that whatever questions our son has get answered right away.

When it comes to limits, and boundaries, you and your husband need to set the limits that feel right to you, and you really can't decide that until you have met the woman planning to place her baby with you.  I would council setting boundaries tighter in the beginning, and loosening them up over time, rather than starting out very loose, and having to cut contact later!

Our original agreement was pictures and letters once a month, and a visit once a year.  That was reasonable as it was an out of state adoption.  By the time the adoption was final, we were urging her to move to be closer to us , and by the time he was two, we were in our current configuration of a visit a week.  It just depends on how well you and the mom of your child click.  Don't work with a mom who you could not see as a member of your family, because she will be!

Also, be prepared for a great deal of resistance from your families to the idea of an open adoption. It is still not nearly as common as it should be, and grandparents tend to be fearful that if the baby is "cute" the mom will want it back.  

Nothing could be farther from the truth.. Moms who go through with placement tend to be very committed to the adoption, and if she is willing to put in the effort that goes into maintaining a stable relationship with you, she is committing to you as a family, which includes her.

I wish you the best of luck, this is a real rollercoaster ride you're embarking on!

Answer 5

That is something you talk about with your husband. How open are you willing to be with her?

I placed my son in an open adoption. As soon as I picked the family, a meeting was set up for us to meet and get to know each other and decide if we were comfortable with each others wants regarding how open both of our sides wanted to be with the adoption. After the meeting we spent as much time as we could getting to know each other. We spent at least two days of the week together through out my pregnancy. Our bond was so good that I even had my son's mother in the room during labor and delivery. I see him a lot, and I get pictures every once in a while as well.

I believe open adoption is the best thing for every one in the situation.

I just read some of these responses and have to say that there is nothing wrong with boundaries. As for the not knowing your address, that is your choice. I go over to my son's house for lunch or dinner, or just to hang out when we have our visits. I knew what his nursery looked like . . . and so on.

I have their address, they have mine.

Answer 6

I gave my son up for adoption 10 yrs ago.  It is an open adoption.  After reading about 100 profiles, I picked out 2 families.  I wanted them to know everything about me and my family as much as I wanted to know about them.  When I met Mike and Lori, I felt an instant connection.  I invited them to my appts. They were in the labor room.  I spent 2 wonderful days with my son in the hospital.  They were understanding, patient and very scared and excited.  They didn't crowd me and gave me my time I needed with him.  I get letters and pics every X-mas and July (b-day) for the last 10 yrs.  Now that time has passed, they share more with me, asking if they should adopt again, etc.  Moms need to know the kind of people you are, your hobbies, pets, but not your address!  I saw pics of the house and land, had a general idea of where they lived, but was satisfied with knowing his home is safe and comfortable and his parents are angels.  I love my pictures and letters.  I chose an open adoption so it will be easier for Steven to find me if and when that time comes.  I was lucky to find them, but wanted to know how he is, for my peace of mind.  Makes the decision easier when I knew I'd be informed throughout the years.  Be as open as possible.  All I wanted was for my son to have a family and that takes a lot of trust.  Physical contact, for me, was not an option...too hard on the heart.  Be careful and be sensitive.

Answer 7

Open adoption has worked very well for us too. To tell you the truth I wouldn't consider an adoption any other way.

If you are considering boundaries then maybe open adoption is not for you. You'll soon learn that where your child is concerned you won't need or want any.

Yes, you CAN set up boundaries. But boundaries can and probably will  change so you have to be willing to accept having none.

Answer 8

I am a birthmom with an open adoption! I can tell you from my point of view it's a wonderfull thing! I bonded emmediately with the adoptive family. We send emails and pictures and I get updates. I'll get to go see her 3 times a year untill she's 3 and then once a year after 3. I think it really depends on your family and the birthmom. Some birthmom's, it's too much and then others really want to know a lot. In my case, once I met the adoptive parents, we bonded and really want to know what's going on with eachother. It's been a true blessing to know that she is ok and doing well. My baby was a premie and I really wanted to know if she was doing ok. While she was in the hospital, the adoptive parents let me go and see her as much as I wanted and often met me there so we could talk and get to know each other. Open adoption is a great thing. It's a very very hard desicion to make for birthmom's and we are so very blessed to find loving families who want their child to know who we are and that we love them so so much. Once you meet the birthmom, you may find that you really want to get to know her. In my case, birthdad is also involved. The adoptive parents really care about us both and really respect the decision we made. Both the birthdad and I plan on making a scrapbook of our lives for our little girl. It also helps that they can ask us about medical history or other things like that. Good luck with your adoption and as a birthmom I thank you for considering how we feel.People like you are a true blessing and it really helps to know how our babies are doing. God Bless!