Has anyone had experience with a parent who SEEMS lucid about everything but one subject?

Question

My mom is 79 years old and lives alone. Her husband died a few years ago. She has always been a little eccentric in some ways but my family is struggling with what to do with her right now, if anything.

She is pretty intelligent, takes good care of herself and her home, pays her own bills, etc....She speaks regularly to her friends and family and goes to church every Sunday. Overall, she is very healthy for her age.

I'm not entirely sure HOW to explain the problem but here goes..... She has always been prone to blame others for her problems as opposed to thinking through the myriad of reasons something might happen. Over the last few years, she had a few problems with a couple neighborhood boys (now grown) who would do petty stuff to harass her. They would pull out her tomato plants, wake her up in the middle of the night by banging on something outside, etc.....She, in turn, would call the police to report them (she never SAW them do anything, just thinks it's them). Over the last two years, she has called the police about these guys over 100 times and the police are convinced she's crazy because she admits to never actually witnessing these acts. My brother and I know that things have happened around her place to make us believe that someone actually does harass her from time to time and have seen the damage done. Neither of us believe she would do these things herself.

Unfortunately, my mom thinks that EVERYTHING that happens is the fault of these guys and she promptly calls the police, yet has no proof and hasn't seen it herself. We've tried to talk to her about looking at all possibilities and not jumping to conclusions without proof.

She hears noises and is convinced they are outside doing something, her dog barks and she is convinced they are around somewhere, if her car has mechanical problems, they have done something to it, a strange smell in the house is explained as them pumping chemicals into her home.....The list is endless. Many of the things she thinks is the result of their deeds could be explained as something else entirely. She has a crawlspace under the house and claims to hears things under her house now. My brothers and I want to believe her and trust that she is lucid but we are stunned by all of this. It is very difficult to lay the blame on these guys doorstep when our mother has NEVER witnessed the actual deed in all the years that this has gone on.

Both my brothers and I have been to her house for overnight visits on many occassions and have looked things over ourselves. We know that some things are the result of somebodies mischief but many other things are not.

None of us can understand how someone who is otherwise intelligent and handles her day to day business so well can be so "off" when it comes to noises and smells around the house.

We have considered dementia as a possibility but all other aspects of her life point to her being perfectly normal. She has been evaluated by her doctor and they agree that this ONE subject is rather over the top but otherwise she's fine. I think that this could be because she is afraid of living alone although she will not admit it to us. (She claims to like her independance and has no desire to live with us)

My question is............Has anyone had a similar experience with a parent or elder family member? What did you do?

Answer 1

Although I have not had a similar

experience, based on what you have

expressed here, it actually sounds

as though your mother might

be doing this for attention.



It may be as you suspect,

that either she is afraid of

living alone or is feeling lonely,

and this is her way of getting

some needed attention, without coming

right out and admitting her feelings.

If what your mother is doing is

attention-based, then perhaps spending

some time with her at least once a week,

might possibly help to alleviate some

of the worry she is creating for your family.

Peace*

Answer 2

I've never had quite this experience, but...

she's FOCUSED in a bad way..I'm sure things have happened...but she's gotten it way out of proportion now..so...why not help her set 'traps' for the 'boys'...

think of things that aren't harmful, help her set them up and then if nothing happens, then she will see that it's not ALL the 'boys' fault..and try to get her to stop calling the police....they'll stop going to her house after awhile...and when she really needs them, they won't show up and help her.

Answer 3

Because there were actual events of mischief or vandalism, I think your mother was badly frightened and left feeling very vulnerable. Unfortunately, this has snowballed to where she doesn't feel confident or comfortable in her own home by herself and is hyper alert to any problems and is more comfortable blaming it on "the boys" then just saying "I feel uncertain and afraid most of the time.'  If she is reluctant to move in with any of you or into a living facility for the elderly,then the key is to try and help her regain her confidence in her own home without validating her fears. You and your siblings should set up a visiting schedule and write it out for her so she knows what to expect. Perhaps your brother could install some motion detector lights outside so that if she hears something she can see that it is only a cat or whatever and not sit in the dark and let her imagination escalate the problem. Have you considered getting her a dog? The constant companionship and need to focus her energy on something else's needs may help her to feel more confidant and have less time to sit around being anxious. There are organizations that have older animals that need less activity than a young dog and might mesh with her more so than a pup. You could also get her a cell phone and program in you and your siblings phone #'s. While you teach her how to use it you can stress that if she thinks there is a problem she is to call one of you and you will help judge if the police should be called. Get her a f***y pack and have her keep the phone with her at all times. The fact that she knows she has a quick way to get one of you may help her to be able to relax. It will also give you important information about how frequently she is feeling frightened. If she is calling one of you daily then it is obvious she just can't be comfortable by herself anymore. She may not need a full-on nursing home but, a senior citizen community might be a good choice. i hope these ideas help. i went through something similar with my grandfather after my grandmother died. The root of the problem was his feeling vulnerable by himself. good luck.

Answer 4

My grandmother does the same exact thing. I live with her and when I'm not at work I see it happening.

For instance...

She has a cleaning company come out every week to clean her house and give her a bath. The lady came two hours early and my grandmother let her in, and blamed our neighbor across the hall. When I got home yesterday my cat was out in the hallway, my grandmother told me that out neighbor had opened our door and let him out to "get some fresh air." She tends to blame everything on our neighbor, from her slipping in the kitchen, to not getting the phone calls she is supposed to receive. She also blames her for stealing our recycling bin, and stealing our mail, which I know are not true.

My grandmother is 85 and even though she can't do everything by herself, she still cooks and makes her own calls, deals with her bills and took care of her dog, who passed away last week.

I spoke to my neighbor, and made it clear that she wasn't doing those things ie stealing the mail, recycling bin. Then I spoke with my grandmother and told her I spoke with my neighbor and she did not do any of those things. In your case you can tell her that as there is no evidence, there really is no way to determine whether or not these boys are causing mischief.

Hope I helped!  

Answer 5

Sounds almost like paranoia. Almost. Paranoia and dementia can go hand-in-hand, so keep watching her - it could be the beginning of dementia.

Until then, you might explain to her that when she calls the police, she's taking them away from saving people and fighting bigger crimes. Perhaps an officer can explain it to her.

Also, get her to make a scale 0-100. At 0 she writes down something that is not a crime or mischief at all. At 100, she writes down the worst crime she can imagine. Help her figure out what would go at 50 - like a really noisy party that went on until 3am and spilled out onto the street.

Fill in where "her" crimes  go on the scale (probably all under 25 - annoying, but that's it).

Next, you have to decide what goes on 75 - and figure that's where she should call the police.

For her crimes, figure out something she can do - a way to take control of things - that keep her from calling the police. Maybe writing it down on a "mischief list." Once the list gets filled, then she can decide if there's any reason to contact the police.

If I've been unclear, feel free to email me.

Answer 6

yes!! my grandma always blames me for her computer when it stops working or runs slow. Every1 computer does that.right? just explain to her that everything that happens is not neccessarily some1 elses fault.

Answer 7

First off it does sound like dementia is beginning, but may take a while to show itself more prominently.  What can start off as neurosis can eventually cause problems with people who have dementia.  I work in an assisted living home that has 3 units. Unit one is independent living, unit two is assisted living and three is the special care unit where dementia and Alzheimer's patience live.  I work in the third unit.  I have a resident that had problems with men early on in her years, and she complains on a regular basis that one of our LNA's, whom is male, keeps going in her room and taking things.  This could potentially be something to worry about, but she tells us he is in there even when he is not working, she also thinks he is in there watching her sleep.  

It definitely sounds like your mother may be starting dementia, and she is at a prime age for it.

You can always check around at the assisted living homes near you and see if it is something you would consider as an option. It is enirely unlike a nursing home, and it is actually relieving to some older people because many chores that they would normally do on thier own and may be taxing on their bodies are done for them.  Most of the residents at my work are very happy.

Hope this helps!