Has anyone here been involved in an open adoption?

Question

I know zilch about open adoptions so i had a few questions --

1) were you involved in one and what part of the triad did/do you play?

2) what are the varying degrees of openness and how was yours?

3) was there any confusion on the part of the adoptee?

4) What is your perspective as either a bparent or aparent?

5) Were there ever any disagreements re: discipline, religion, education, etc?

Thanks.

Answer 1

We have an open adoption.

We are the adoptive parents.

At first it was just pictures and letters.  After a while our first mother dropped out of the picture.  She moved across country to be with her family and we didn't have a new address.  Then i found her and sent little notes saying hi.  I didn't know what to do or say.  Slowly we started to build a relationship again.  Our first mother thought it would be best for our daughter if she was not involved in her life.  I had expressed that i thought she was wrong but i would do whatever she said.  Eventually our first mother started emailing our daughter.  Then f. mom told her family about the adoption.  Now we have grandparents, aunts, sisters, and extented family all emailing and calling.  They plan to travel up to see us and we are planning to go down and visit them.  It has been wonderful.  We are all so happy.

There was some inital confusion our daughter is almost 10.  She wanted to know if first mom would take her away from her family.  I said no, first mom would never do that.  She had a dream that first mom and myself were fighting over her and trying to decide who loved her more.  I told her that both of her moms love her with all their hearts.  If first mom and myself had a problem we would work it out between us.  She has nothing to worry about.  I try to answer her questions right away with honesty.

I cannot say enough how much we trust, admire, respect and honor our first mother and her family.  They are wonderful people and we are all blessed to have them in our family.  As an adoptive parent, i think open adoption is what is best for everyone involved.  Its like having one big extended family. When i say "our" daughter i mean she is all of ours, first mother and adoptive parents.  

As of yet, there have been no disagreements.  First mom honors and respects us as the adoptive parents of our child.  She and her family always say ask your parents permission first, or tell your mom and dad hi from us. I think the key here is there is a mutual respect for each other on both sides.   As for the issues you listed those were all discussed before the adoption at the agency.

Let me know if i can help you further, just email me.  I wish you all the best.

ETA:  great question.  we just had this conversation.  I know our first mother feels pain when she looks at all her picts and sees how much she has missed out on.  I asked if there was anything i could do to help ease her pain or maybe this was too hard on her.  She said no, she really enjoys the relationship they both share now and that looking at the picts shows how happy and loved she is.

Idk, it sounds like there is a mix of feelings.  We'll never know exactly what she is feeling or going thru since we are not first parents. We just try to be supportive and understanding.  We think we've made ourselves pretty clear, whatever she needs just ask and we'll give it to her.  We really care for her well being too.

Answer 2

I'm not involved in an open adoption, but a very close friend of mine is. His ex decided to give up her rights, and he had no way of providing a good life for the child, so he went for the open adoption. He did read profiles of all the families, chose one and his son ended up with wonderful people. He visits him frequently, goes over for birthdays, holidays, plays with him, got to see his first steps, all of the good things. He's slightly upset sometimes that he's not the one raising him, but he respects the 'new' parents and the way they're raising his son. They even bought him christmas presents (him being my friend). Its like they adopted 2, instead of one. They haven't discussed whats going to go on when the kid is older (right now my friend is just a playmate, i believe the kid is 3) but I'm sure whatever it is will work out in the best interest of everyone, so its been pretty positive from what I've witnessed.

Answer 3

I have a VERY open adoption. My daughter will be 16 in June and has always known she was adopted. Due to the circumstances when I placed her her father was not part of my life anymore so only my family has been involved. I got to chose the parents who turned out to be very willing to have an open adoption. We started out with sending everything through the agence (which was their standard at the time) till my daughter was about 6 months old then we opted to just do it ourselves. We started doign stuff together as a big family. She calls me by my first name and calls my parents gram and pop and my brother uncle etc. I think it has been very good for her. When the time is right she will learn who her adoptive father is. I have always respected the rules etc set by her adoptive family. It has been a great experience. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Answer 4

Just to let you know open adoption involves visits and pictures and the like.  No visits but picture exchange is semi open.

I am a first mom and I am doing the work to get visits set up.

If handled in a positive manner there is no confusion for the child.

There will be differences/disagreements with someone who is raising a child.  I mean do you get along with your parents or relatives 100 % of the time? you don't.  This is another relationship that takes work.

Set boundaries from the beginning, discuss with all what you are comfortable with and uncomfortable.  Get this out on the table.  Know whether or not an OA agreement is binding in your state.  In many states it is not legally binding.

OA can be hard on the first parents.  But in many ways it is about the child and helps the child with any questions that arise while growing up.

Answer 5

I'm in an open adoption with my 10 month old's first mom. Ours is a very open adoption. I really like it. I think it has been very beneficial to our family and will continue to be so.

My advice would be to make sure that your agency sets boundaries and has a lot of experience handling open adoptions. Every relationship needs boundaries and this is included.

I love my son's adoption agency but they are fairly new and have made some mistakes in handling our open adoption. I don't think they set up enough boundaries in the begininning because of lack of experience. I got very emotionally attatched to our son's first mom to where it became unhealthy. I started to feel like she was my child right along with my son and started becoming very depressed because of the abusive environment she lives in. Our personal information also got leaked to extended family members and we began receiving phone calls from people who never should have been contacting us. All this got straightened out though and everything is going good.

Now, we meet every 3 months. We will go out to eat or just hang out for a few hours. I allow my son's agency to help her instead of feeling like it's my responsibility. They are trying really hard to get her out of the situation she is in.

We have had some issues. She comes from an environment of lies and ignorance. She was being told by her mother that we were bad parents because our son wasn't crawling yet. Basically, the agency helped her understand that she will always be involved in our son's life. Nothing will ever change that. However, the quality of that involvement will depend on whether she chooses to embrace truth or lies. Her mother is very abusive. Our agency has tried to get her out of that environment numerous times but it's that whole issue with it being the only life she has ever known. So in essence, we just requested that she not bring her familial issues into our relationship so that our time together can be quality. Hopefully she will one day embrace truth and love and finally trust us.

I would highly recommend an open adoption. I think it will be very beneficial to my son in the long run especially.

ETA: I don't feel defensive at all. I just feel frustrated that she won't embrace truth. I wish she could pull away from her mother and all the lies she tells her. She grew up in foster care herself but still has a relationship with her mother and lives with her every now and then. Her mother is a drug addict and tells her the dumbest things, but unfortunately she's the only woman she trusts. I wish she would trust us and our son's adoption agency because they are trying so hard to get her out of that abusive environment, but she keeps going back to it.

It 100% has made her more confident in her decision to put him up for adoption. The more she sees our son, especially with my husband, the happier she is with her choices. The arguement about a first parent wanting a child back if she sees him is the ABSOLUTE farthest thing from the truth. After every one of our meetings she has left so much happier and feeling so much better about herself. She wanted my son to have a father, so when she sees the love my husband and my son share, she is so happy.

Answer 6

Oh yeah, I'm part of an "open" adoption. The "open" was slammed shut almost as soon as the ink I signed in was dry.

Open adoption is a farce, it is only as open as the adopters want it to be and all too often they use the word "open" as a way to sweeten the deal with no intention of continuing contact of any kind.

Answer 7

My son was adopted through a family member that I did not meet until the birth (step family).  There were verbal agreements (pictures once a year, etc).  He is now 12 and not once have I received anything from the parents.  The only info I receive is from my mom by word of mouth and a couple pictures. ( I live really far from him and choose not to see him.)  

My suggestion:  Get everything in writing.  Family or not, guess it doesn't seem to matter to some.