Has anyone here ever been adopted as an older child?

Question

If so did you appreciate being adopted more? Would you recommend adopting an older child over a baby? If I adopted a 10-14 year old would they not want to be adopted or be more thankful?

Answer 1

Hi Zinnia,

As a mom, I can tell you that parenting can be a thankless, yet very rewarding job whether the parenting came about through birth or through adoption.  Before proceeding, please prepare yourself by researching foster care so you will get a grasp of who the kids are, what they have been through, and what your role in their life would be expected to be.  

The real purpose of adopting children is so that you can meet THEIR needs.  With the age range you are considering there, the child would be consulted about his desire for you to adopt him/her before the adoption would be finalized in court.  While many kids do want to be adopted, there are some by that stage who would prefer not to be adopted.  It's really a case-by-case basis.

Whether or not they would want to be adopted by you, depends on the relationship that develops between the child and your family.  It typically takes 6 months of them living in your home before your case can go before the judge to be finalized.  If you are thinking about adopting for the appreciation and thanks involved, that might not happen, especially while they are a teen.

Thank you for considering adopting an older child as that is where the need is the greatest, & I wish you all the best.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 2

I know of a nine year old boy in foster care who was so distressed that nobody wanted him, simply because he was not a little baby and that's all the paps are after,  that he tried to commit suicide - at age NINE!!!

These kids deserve homes - but there aren't many paps who really care about anything except a womb-fresh infant to meet their needs - it's rarely about finding a home for a child now, is it? really

None of us should be expected to be any more grateful or thankful than any other child in the world.   Every child deserves a good home - no child should be indebted to anyone for having one

Answer 3

My sister and I were adopted from an orphanage at age 9.

My best friends, ages 57 and 53 at the time, adopted a 13 year old girl and I was closely involved in that from the beginning.

Advantages:

- If you are older adoptive parents, you can expect fewer years when you must be available. As an example, older parents may be able to commit to 6 - 10 years, but not 20.

-  No teething, no night time feedings, no potty training

- Sometimes, just sometimes, you might get a kid who appreciates how good a life they have been adopted into - my sister and I really came to appreciate this when we hunted down our birth mother [we were in our 20s] and realized what a mess she was.

- If you have older children already, even if they have left home, they are there to help and advise the newest child. My older brother and sister, and especially my sister-in-law, were enormously helpful.

Downside:

- Especially in orphanages, you learn some survival skills that are obnoxious and have to be "un-learned."

- We are all damaged to some extent. I think the people at the orphanage were as kind as they could be, but we were just two out of 90 children.

- I think our adjustment to our new life and our new family took well over a year - closer to two years. You will need a lot of patience and have to resist the urge to expect the older child to act like a regular birth child of the same age.

To answer your question, I and my late sister were both very appreciative of our adoptive parents and I honor them for embracing us and bringing us into the family..

Answer 4

I adopted a four and a six year old. I've never thought about them being thankful, because we're just giving them what they're entitled to - a loving, stable home.  But yes, my kids do know what kind of home they came from and they cry if I talk about them even visiting their parents.  So I guess it's easier for us in that they aren't missing home.

Still, it was an adjustment for us and the kids when they came to live with us.  Everybody needs to be patient, thoughtful, flexible.  If you adopt an older child they come with their own personality that hits you full force, as opposed to a baby that you get to know slowly as they develop.

You asked if you adopted a 10-14 year old, would they not want to be adopted, or would they be thankful.  As to the first part, I think many kids would want to be adopted because it's a good thing to have a family that is there for you forever.  My kids were already familiar with the idea that an orphanage or foster care is done with you at some point. They ask me almost every day if they can come back and live with me after they are grown up. I have to keep reassuring them.

Answer 5

I have several siblings that were adopted as older children and I think the our parents are the ones who are grateful for being blessed with my new siblings.  But to answer your question, I think that they (my adopted siblings) are grateful as well to become a part of our family.  Adopted kids are hard to place and when they turn 18 many foster families simply turn them out.  Many become homeless; it is very sad, but very true.