Has anyone read "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Want Their Adoptive Parents to Know"?

Question

This was recommended to me. I just want to know if it is accurate, or if it is biased in any way. I want to provide the best I can for my child, and I am willing to take advice. However, much of the advice that I get here doesn't jibe with my own experience. I am not saying that the people are lying. I am just saying that I can't relate to the premise, so I have difficulty accepting the advice.

Answer 1

I am reading it right now, about half way through and I think overall (so far) it is an accurate representation.  What I have come away with so far is that what is discussed in the book is possible not a given when it comes to adoptees having "issues" and that honesty is the best policy always.

I do agree that much of the advice and experiences given here does not jibe with my own knowledge and experience (Mom's an adoptee), you just need to filter the information based on your own knowledge and experience.

Answer 2

LC says "However, much of the advice that I get here doesn't jibe with my own experience."

Maybe that's because you're not an adoptee. It's not about YOUR experience - it's about the adoptee experience.

Yes, I've read it and I think it is very tame and mild and should be a must read for all adoptive parents. I wish my parents would have been open-minded enough to read it.

Answer 3

no.

Answer 4

I found the book a bit patronizing and putting too much emphasis on the Bible.

Answer 5

I'm was adopted and yes I have read it. It was fine, but not very useful. My mom and I talked about some of the issues, but I would say 7-8 applied to my feelings, but I think other adoptees feel it speaks directly for them so you might want to read it, just in case. Don't assume it's all true for everyone, though.

Answer 6

I have read it. It is not an easy read. I have heard some adult adoptees say that the book really resonates with what they felt. Others have said, not so much... but most have felt that at least *some* of what was said was true.

I think it's important for adoptive parents to read and understand a wide variety of viewpoints. Although your child's experience will be unique, if you know the spectrum of experiences, you can be better able to discuss /help him express his feelings.

Answer 7

my mother did and after reading it, her comment to me was--" i finally understand you". So, for my situation it was postive.

Answer 8

Yes, I have, and I enjoyed it, but its from 1999 probably too "unmodern" for you.

Answer 9

I think that would be a good place for you to start.

The author is a bit Jesus-y for me.  I actually think she makes some good points, but feel she is biased to her market, APs over her origin, adoptees.

But, yes, I think you should read it.

Answer 10

It is written from the POV of the adoptee.  I'd say that's about as unbiased as you can get.

Answer 11

Here are the "twenty things" of the book's title.  Hope this helps.

I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted.  You are not responsible.

I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.

If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to recieve love from you and others will be hindered.

My unresolved grief may surface in anger.

I need your help in grieving my loss.  Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them.

Just because I don't talk about my birth family does not mean I don't think about them.

I want you to take inititive in opening conversations about my birth family.

I need to know the truth about my conception, birth and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.

I am afraid I was "given away" by my birth family because I was a bad baby.

I am afraid you will abandon me.

I may appear more "whole" than I actually am. I need your help to integrate all the parts of my identity

I need to gain a sense of personal power.

Please don't say I look or act just like you.  I need to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.

Let me be my own person... but don't let me cut myself off from you.

Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption.  Don't tell other people without my consent.

Birthdays may be difficult for me.

Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times.

I am afraid I will be too much to handle.

When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me and respond wisely.

Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.

Answer 12

Yes I have and so have my Adoptive Parents.  It is written from the perspective of an adoptee, is that what you would call biased

Anyone truly wishing to understand their adopted children, ought to be reading a variety of stuff written from the adoptee perspective, by adoptees and not stuff written on their behalf by non adopted peeps imo