Has feminism's reshaping of relationships gone too far?

Question

Ever since I was a small child I was taught that in a healthy relationship, the man and the woman must be "equal", with neither having more power over the other. However, I never agreed with this, even as a little girl. As I got older and began to explore the world of relationships I desperately wanted a man who would lead me.. not to control me, but to guide me. However, I was told that I had "self esteem problems" and I needed to work through those issues with a therapist. So I did. Nothing changed. I wanted a strong man more than ever.

Then I became a Christian, and discovered that wonderful book called the Bible. I found a world where women are treasured, not objectified. I felt respected, protected and valued by my Christian male peers. And I found a world where it is believed that it is HEALTHY for the man to be the leader in a relationship. What an incredible relief for me to find out I was not drifting alone.

Answer 1

Lets extrapolate from this sample of one and all do the same!

Seriously, I'm sorry people decided you had issues because they didn't agree with you, and I'm glad you've found a way to be happy - doesn't mean everyone feels the same or that feminism is the cause of this. To some extent submissiveness is a personality trait. It's certainly different from person to person. I would personally rather be respected as an equal that treasured as a subordinate. But that's just me.

Feminism may have pushed in the opposite direction than you chose, but it's still a choice. And I'm glad they did push, otherwise it's a choice I might not have had.

You are doing what you complained about in your first paragraph. Learn from the mistakes of others, don't tell people how their relationships should be.

Answer 2

You might like having a man lead you, but also realize, many women don't. Honestly, I would be highly pi$$ed if I had to be a follower, even in a relationship, that kind of life isn't for me and many women share my feelings on this.

There is nothing wrong with you if you prefer being a follower in a relationship, that's just your preference, and your choice, due to feminism you have such a choice just as I have the choice to be an equal in my relationship and, if I choose so (and if my fiance didn't mind it) I could be the leader of the relationship (and in some cases I am because my fiance knows there's some things I just have more experience with than he does). I am glad to have that choice just as I am sure you are glad you have the choice to be a follower, but put it this way: What if you were forced to be a leader when you prefer to be a follower? Were those of us who prefer to be equals or leaders forced to be followers, there would be a revolt (And guess what, there was! That's were feminism started!).

Basically, if you choose to let a male lead your life, well hey, that's your choice, but don't expect everyone else to enjoy it just because you do. You have your choice, I have mine, lets not interefere with each other's choice OK?

Answer 3

This proves that gender roles are biological and not social constructs, god bless :-D

Answer 4

Most women want men to lead them, take the initiative whatever you want to call it. Of course, we're not allowed to publicly acknowledge this reality and so many women are left feeling like there's something wrong with them, and many men are confused about what is expected of them.

Fear not, the emperor is really not wearing any clothes.

Answer 5

"it is HEALTHY for the man to be the leader in a relationship."

Umm, would you care to explain why you think different reproductive anatomy somehow confers a greater aptitude for leadership? Because you really don't have me convinced.

Answer 6

I am not a feminist and, like you, was raised to be a wife.  I didn't seek a man to tell me what to do, but one I could look up to, admire and respect.  Thats often a difficult thing to do when you are trying to compete with him or ensure that you are always on equal footing!

Unlike you, however, I don't blame feminism for all the ills we are experiencing in relationships with men.  Afterall, it is only a movement, an idea.  It is the people who have distorted its message and taken things too far.  Equality is a God given right, in my opinion...and something to fight for.  But when it becomes a battle cry, we have a big problem.  And there is no wonder that there are men who are retaliating!

Answer 7

If you're so gosh darn happy with your life choices, why do you care what feminists think about your relationship? I can sit here and make a laundry lists of some of my beliefs and life choices that somebody else would have an issue with. So can everybody else. Why is it that you feel so persecuted and a need to justify your lifestyle?

Answer 8

It's fine if you want to be submissive in a relationship, but you should thank feminism for the fact that you were not forced into it.

Answer 9

I'm not saying that the Bible is the solution, but feminism has pretty much destroyed relationships between men and women by denigrating men http://nzmera.orcon.net.nz/femqotes.html and raising women's expectations way beyond realistic levels http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/wome...

Answer 10

I have the same viewpoint as you.  I am a traditionalist and recently got married to a man who feels the same way.  He respects me and my opinions and always tries to give me what I want.  However, in decisions, I have given him 51% of the decision making.  I decided this because of my Christian beliefs.  I can have these beliefs while being a 28 year old successful businesswoman with healthy self-esteem.  It also greatly depends on your spouse.  Some men don't feel comfortable being the leader while some men should never lead anybody.

The main thing to remember is that your personal life is your business.  If others feel differently, simply remember that they're entitled to their views as well.

Answer 11

Sounds like fun. Not.

Answer 12

Good for you but I don't need someone to lead me.  My husband and I are happy to be partners; he leads with his strengths and I lead with mine.  Together we feel whole. I don't think people wanted you to boss around men, and the therapy might have been recommended out of confusion that you felt confused and needed someone to lead you.  Someone may have misunderstood that to mean that you did not know yourself or in what direction you wished to go.  If you want to be in a male dominant relationship good for you; that is a choice you can make.  Its nice to have choice.  I wouldn't want to live that way but because of the feminist movement I can make that choice.  I don't have to be in a relationship were I am a treasure lead around by my husband; I can be me.

Answer 13

Simply because you don't feel you have the capacity to be equal or to lead does not mean the rest don't.   You live your life and give the rest of us the right to live ours as we see fit.    People have the right to shape their relationships as they see fit.    

This book you call the bible is filled with racism, sexism, contempt, etc.   All of us don't consider it wonderful.

Answer 14

i am glad that that "wonderful book" of the bible has been your salvation. However, i agree with the people that referred you to a self esteem coach. You may wanna go back to that therapist sooner than later because when you do lose that man that is leading you, you will be lost. I am not sure why you revolted against the idea of equality, i went the other way. I grew up in a 3rd world country where chauvunism was the norm and though i didn't know wnay different, i just knew that couldn't be right. ironically, that is what also led me to investigate the bibla and religion because i knew if it got gender equalit so wrong, it cannot be that right. Unfortunately people like you cannot be counted on to contribute much to our world, because you will be waiting for someone else to come up with something so that you can agree or disagree. I hope you find a man who is willing to be responsible for both your lives and i hope nothing happens to that man or you will be in a pickle till you find the next. Can you say....parasite?

Answer 15

I don't find that a helpful way of putting the problem.

Uh, if you aren't equal, then they aren't your peers, but your superiors -- wasn't that your whole point?

If you want to give up all your rights, I really have nothing to say about it. It's when I'm told that _I_ have to give up all MY rights, including the right to think, that I have a problem.

YOU may consider the Bible to be a wonderful book; I do not. I should not be forced to live by it.

If you're saying that you should not be badgered into thinking for yourself, then I suppose you're right. People should be ENCOURAGED to think for themselves, but if they're unwilling to do so, then there's no point in trying to force them.

Answer 16

Most women like it better when the relationship has TWO leaders.

Answer 17

oh for heaven's sake :-)

doodlebug and everyone else - speak for yourself. i am a feminist and my relationship is wonderful. i have a loving and supportive partner, and i in turn am loving and supportive of him. there is more choice these days than there ever has been. you can be anything you want. and if you can't find a satisfying relationship or a satisfying life, you need to look at your own failings, not those of society.

Answer 18

i don't care.

seriously. you want a strong man to lead you around? that is your prerogative. you feel the bible backs you on this? right on.

just don't try and step on MY right to live MY life the way i want it.

Answer 19

Yes I think feminism has gone too far in some of its versions, but I think the idea of neither having more power over the other is a good one. This is a separate notion than that of wanting a strong man that can take the lead. If a woman chooses to follow a man her power in the relationship is much greater than some may think. No one can "lead" without someone that "follows." But when a person is not worthy of respect by being domineering or controlling, or withholds respect as a means to control or dominate, then the relationship begins to weaken.

That said, I think a relationship is strongest when the primary concern is not what I am doing for you, or what you are doing for me, but when when both strive to remain interested and interesting, and when the two can unite in a common cause that is important to both of them (e.g. religion, children, work, service, etc.). Perhaps more important than the leadership question is whether each is looking for how they can use their unique strengths to contribute to the relationship and to other important causes.

By the way, leadership can never be forced by either the man or the woman, but only offered/not offered and accepted/rejected. A woman has no obligation to follow (much less respect) an abusive man, and perhaps has an obligation both to him and to herself (and her children) to take steps to STOP the abuse. An abusive man does not deserve much respect, and giving it to him while he is still abusive might only make him worse.  The same is true of an abusive woman.

Answer 20

Congratulations.  You discovered that you were a submissive woman and found a belief where that quality is valued.  You might also be interested to note that feminists are constantly told they are wrong and have self-esteem issues also.  Perhaps we should focus our attack on those who believe they have the right to decide what is normal or abnormal for relationships, since they seem to be equally critical of almost all women's self-directed choices :-)