Has your spouse been through therapy?

Question

and you found you now are married to a completely different person than you originally got engaged to and married? More importantly, do you feel that if it were not for your children, if you could have known that this different person would emerge--you would NEVER have married your spouse nor been attracted to marry your spouse? I married a woman who I adored, was kind, compassionate, fun enjoyed s*x etc...Now I am married to a woman who is unfaithful, wants to see other guys, is self absorbed and mean spirited (really, I am NOT exaggerating), vulger (swears like a sailor). Marriage therapy has been useless as she is unwilling to attempt most of the exercises at home. I just wonder how I got engaged and married to one woman and find myself married to someone I never would have dated (if she were then who she is now).

Answer 1

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are really working hard at this relationship. It's too bad she isn't giving it her all too.

From what I understand, you are still going to marital therapy with her. At your next session, can you not bring up the fact that you feel you are alone in this relationship and that she isn't doing what is asked of her in your sessions? The therapist needs to know this much so he/she can pinpoint what might be going on.

My husband and I went through something very similar. At that time I swore he was bipolar because he was Dr. Jeckyl one minute and Mr. Hyde the next. I too would put my heart and soul into making things better and all he would have to do would be to do one exercise and we would go back and I completed what I was supposed to do and he hadn't even started. I was so irritated and I felt like he didn't care about our relationship nearly as much as I did. Long story short, we are great now. I never did know for sure what was going on, but there is no way he would do me that way now. The point I am trying to get at is that I understand how painful it is to feel like you are the "only one" carrying the relationship. It's not fair to you.

Maybe you could go see a professional alone. See if they have some suggestions as to what could be going on with her. They are very insightful and helpful. Clinical Psychologists are great.

I agree with you on the fact that infidelity is a deal breaker. I'm surprised that the marital therapist hasn't made it very clear that the infidelity must stop. Trust must be present for a solid relationship. She should be thanking her lucky stars that you are giving her another chance. What's her problem anyway? I hope she treats the children great.

Good luck to you. I hope this helps.

Answer 2

Buddy I feel you. My wife and I separated due to my drinking. I got very abusive verbally through anger and alcohol. She went to an abuse shelter for help and now that we are back together and I have been sober for 18 months and losing it because she's gone in this therapy s**t about everything I'm saying or doing. I'm controlling, manipulating and I still have problems that only she see's. Every time I hear about what I'm saying or doing all of the words come out in the same order and they never change. She has studied this stuff so much she's at a loss of words if ever but in a situation that doesn't pertain to what she has studied in all this therapy. Therapy is good if your going to the right one or to the right place, but if it's the wrong place kind of like a crack house, then that's where you go over and over again, but the crack head isn't open to anything else but that crack house. A real good therapist will keep you coming back in order to pay their own bills and recite their college earned verbiage. Do what I'm doing.....RUN!!!!!!!! YOUR CONTROLLING AND SHE'S SWEARING AT YOU BECAUSE SHE CAN'T SPEAK ON HER OWN, SHE NEEDS A THERAPIST TO DO IT FOR HER!!!!!! HER THEARPIST IS TELLING HER TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE SHE DESERVES BETTER AND NOW SHE'S PISSED AT SOMETHING SHE WASN'T REALLY THAT PISSED OFF AT BEFORE THERAPY.....RUN FOREST RUN....SHE WON'T SEE ANOTHER THERAPIST BECAUSE THE ONE SHE'S GOING TO IS TELLING HER NOT TO BECAUSE IT MIGHT KEEP YOUR WIFE FROM GOING BACK AND THAT WOULD COST THE THERAPIST MONEY....FORGET RUNNING, GET IN YOUR CAR AND NEVER LOOK BACK

Answer 3

i would check that therapist's credentials lol

but how long has she been in therapy for and what is she in therapy for?  im guessing whehter she is still attending or not, she is still in the process of healing for whatever it was...i had an abusive relationship and when i started therapy for it (a year after i had already left and was with another man), anger and impatience and fear all started to emerge, things id been hiding for a very long time and i took it out on my new man without even realizing it.  i was lucky, he knew what was going on, and knew it wasnt my who was doing it, it was just the process i was in, im still working through issues and feelings from my ex

good luck

x

Answer 4

that's horrible!! Really? How can that be?

I have a friend whose hubby just went through rehab, now they're living apart to see what happens after... he was stoned through their whole marriage, present but not present, sad for them and the daughter.

But for someone to change so radically... weird.

Answer 5

therapy, doesnt mean a bad thing

Answer 6

Has she been to see a doctor?  I know this might sound strange, but she may have a neurological problem.  To change that drastically in a short space of time - honestly, I would be getting a doctor's opinion.

I have heard a couple of cases where a person has had a tumour or something other neurological defect and it has turned them into a completely different person. Interestingly, both cases I read about have affected sexual personality, language and interaction with others.   After treatment, they were back to their old selves.

If she gets the all clear then I'd say it might be time for you to move on!  No one deserves to be married to that!!

Best of luck :)