Hash but solid critiquing on my poem...?

Question

i

saw a man with slicked black hair

chin cut in half, eloping eyes

He flicked his hands at mine

“Aha..” we shot back at each other

I smiled and said his smile was sweet

He said he’d copied mine

I shrugged and said I copied him

he copied Me

i copied Him

He copied Him again.

We danced in sync upon the sky

and envied either’s shiny shoes

We danced and sang in tune (aha)

And shot (in sync.)

ourselves on telly.

no remote would let us change

The Channelling Disease.

Answer 1

Is that hash or harsh?

Are his eyes eloping or sloping?

I find an odd, intriguing blend of humor and danger here. "Flicked" is not what one normally does with both hands, especially preparatory to a dance of love or seduction. The volley of copying is quite flirtatious, and the switch of "he copied him" is rife with possibilities - it certainly is inventive.

Choose one "sync" with or without the period. I think it's better without, unless of course you want each one to have a different meaning. If that is so, I guess I'm missing the point.

Now let's deal with capitalization. If you go against convention you should have a reason for doing so, otherwise you are guilty of carelessness or pretentiousness - either way it's bullshyte. You start off with a small "i." Do you want the reader to think you are small or unimportant? I don't get that from the rest of the poem. Then you become schizoid, changing from "i" to "I" and "mine" to "Me." Especially bad is the capitalization of "Him." When the third person singular is capitalized it is usually a reference to God. Is that what you want? If so, it is disrespectful NOT to capitalize "Him" and "He." Is that what you want? I don't think so, I think the disrespect that you show is to the poem itself. You can't get away with this in poetry, every little thing has a meaning, if you change something you change the meaning.

"Either's" is also problematic. My guess is that it's a telescope word for "each other's," just as "they" is used (egregiously) to mean "he or she" instead of "he and she."

The use of capitals for "Channeling Disease" is totally appropriate,  since it achieves the effect of emphasis. And with regard to a totally cool final stanza, I can only quote the words of my spiritual mentor - Paris Hilton - "THAT'S HOT."

All that I have criticized are the little (but important) details. All in all it's a good poem, a very good and effective poem. But if you were to apply the loose standard of accuracy shown here to brain surgery....        

Answer 2

It felt way too repetitive. Right after ""Aha" we shot back at eachother" I felt uninterested until "We danced" then right as it got my attention, that attention slipped away. Maybe a better description for the sky, and say the envying differently would prick up my eyes. ; P