Have I made a mistake marrying a Muslim man (s**+'a marriage)?

Question

I am a white western girl from London, i met my partner when i was 19, we had an on off relationship for five years. It was a turbulent, frustrating up and down 'relationship'. We were never in a commitment because of our religious differences and the fact that he will only marry a Muslim women, he wont have girlfriends. I know it probably sounds simple... We should have gone our separate ways, but we were good friends, the chemistry is amazing, and we missed each-other every time we decided to 'move on'. So five years later, we talk about Islamic marriage on condition i learn about Islam. I imagine i will finally have the commitment Ive always wanted, I imagine a stable relationship that Ive never had, and its not legally binding in UK... so what do i have to lose?? I didn't really understand the s**+'a marriage. I haven't told my parents, we didn't have a ceremony, theres no rings yet. The whole thing was very casual. We got a takeaway afterwards.Yet two weeks later he expresses it was a mistake. He married me on condition that I learn about Islam and he is not happy that I'm questioning things and I am not submissive. For example he tried to give me a curfew and Ive told him it wont work between us if hes expecting me to obey him. I believe it to be a cultural thing (hes Arab) and not to do with religion that he wants me home by 10pm. Although he is very westernised he has to understand my upbringing and culture. I still feel I haven't got the commitment I was expecting, i feel pressured and under threat to be this Muslim wife hes always wanted -and I have to prove myself to him before he truly commits. Basically i am not happy and its only been a few weeks, but since i have been learning about Islam I have realised what I have done with this marriage,I am appreciating the s**+'a law more than i did before. And I value the importance of reconciliation... but I am stubborn, and i will only learn Islam in my own way in my own time and not under pressure because I want to enjoy it.

I am just wondering if anybody out there has had a similar experience..??

Answer 1

I don't wish to categorize but muslim male and marriage don't go well together most times unless its someone of that belief.

I know many european females that fall into this mistake with good men around them wondering why they consistently make this life error.

Answer 2

Religion should have nothing to do with control and /or repression,as you say that is just the way his particular culture wants to practice it.Your future is up to you and him, both.Remember all the different religious books /scripts were written by men,it is the hunter/gatherer syndrome we have to get rid of,all of us are equal,but only in our physical and mental makeup.It is only physical and mental endeavours that makes the differences between us.

Answer 3

check his closet for 'designer vests' if you know what i mean...

it's for your own protection

Answer 4

If you have been with him for 5 years didn't you learn anything about Islam before you got married to him .

Basically what he is saying to you he will commit to you when he has got you where he wants you , for example you do as you are told whether you agree on not .You are not allowed to have opinions of your own , you stay in the house and do your wifely duties , and follow Islamic culture .Good luck.

Answer 5

You or your husband are not going to change your minds about being submissive.  He was brought up to be the way he is, and the same with you. If you cannot find some middle ground, you will always have this problem.  How much are either of you willing to sacrifice or compromise?  It may have been better to learn about his religion before marrying, but too late now.  Does he have hopes you will practice his religion?  You two have to respect each others decisons and be OK with them to have peace in your marriage.

Answer 6

For any western woman to marry a Muslim is a huge mistake, we think were right they think the same way but we wont kill or maim a woman as a right they however will.  He's given you a curfew, what happens the first night you break it, a slap?  next time a kicking 3rd time your held down by him and his mother to have petrol poured over you and set alight.  Honour killings, read up about them they happen all the time.  If they want to treat their women like s**+'t thats their beef nothing to do with us.  Your obviously not one of them and as a westerner it is your right to tell him to get lost, he doesn't own you neither does his religion.

Answer 7

No offence but if i was a man of any religion i would want my wife home with me too.Its a marriage you should be with your husband not out to all hours of the night....if you didn't want to live like a married woman you shouldn't have done this.I wouldn't be happy if my has band was out till 10 every night and vice versea....just my thoughts but if you cant come to an understanding its not worth you being unhappy over.

Answer 8

maybe its hard because he is a s**+'ah, as you probably know there are 2 different types of being a muslim. 1 is s**+'ah and the other is sunni. being a sunni muslim and being in a sunni maraige is much simpler and easier, trust me as s**+'ahs have many more rules of marraige. but it may also be, as you mentioned, the fact that he is an arab, arab men are often demanding as i have experienced. islam actually means peace, so give it a chance even if its not for him, do it for yourself, join a new muslims group or just simply start off small by reading an islamic book, they really help you understand. plus it has only been a few weeks and every marrige has its ups and downs some come sooner than later, just give it some time and if your still not happy after say 6 months then maybe it was a mistake, but obviously by then you, yourself will know. good luck & i hope this helped. x

Answer 9

Get out now! Find "chemistry" with someone you have more in common with.  

Answer 10

Eithier you become what he wants or you be a s*x toy of an equally liberated commitment phobic white uk guy.

Sure the white guys are understanding accepting aaaal the liberties and all that jazz but they wont commit to a liberated indipendent woman. Marriage and commitment requires submission and obbidience on your part. Dont believe me ? Try to get marriage out of one of the "traditional" UK boys.

Answer 11

If it's not legally binding in the UK, you should just call it quits now.  Sounds bad real bad.  Your lucky if your country doesn't see it as legal.  At least you don't have to go through the trouble of a divorce.

Answer 12

Hi,well,it's great u're getting to know about Islam(which i think not many westerners may know about)

but ur husband's not doing well,if he really wanted u,he should have told about Islamic complex rules before..u may not know,but for a long-time marriage u have to convert(that's a rule in s**+'a Islam)

i'm an Iranian s**+'a and i know a westerner woman,originally from Wales,who converted to Islam and married an Iranian s**+'a man,and now they're happily married for more than 20 years!

i think he should give u more time to  make decisions.because u're new to Islamic rules,and may have problems understanding and obeying them..

Answer 13

You need to get out of this relationship now. It will only become worse

Answer 14

Though I personally have not had this experience, I have friends who have. It is very difficult to make it work. Basically, his expectations of what a wife should be are very different from yours; your expectations of what a husband should be are very different from his. This would be a good opportunity to compromise, except that he believes wives should be submissive and that husbands shouldn't have to compromise, so it's a bit of a Catch 22. What I've seen in these cross cultural marriages is that, as the partners grow older, they lose interest in their partners culture and in compromising, and become more 'traditional'. This can lead to a lot of conflict. Usually when these marriages do work out it is when a white man has married a woman from a culture where women are traditionally more obedient and submissive; it rarely works the other way.

Islam is a perfectly good religion but nobody should be pressured into pretending that they have converted.

And what will you do when the children come? Do you want your daughters to be submissive? Do you want your sons to think of women as second class citizens? There are many, many ugly battles ahead on this road you have chosen.  

Answer 15

Boy was this a bad move on your part.

is this worth it

get out now

Answer 16

Count your lucky stars that you are still in London.What you are experiencing is from the gut.Islam is a very complex and demanding religion.We in the west are not able to fully understanad the ethics of Islam. the one question that comes to my mind is why when "Both you  are supposed to be in love" why did he not say to you Its ok I am  comfortable with you practising your religion and me  mine?

Why did he not become a Christian if he loves you so much? Ask him what he really knows about your religion.

The curfews and submissiveness is just the beginning. Has he got a curfew as to what time he should be home? I suspect not.It is going to get a lot harder as time goes by. Next he will want you to convert into Islam. And if and when you do have kids they will be muslim and also there will come at time when they will be going to Arabia and you will be coming home alone.

Mark my words for there is a lot of experience in what I write.

All religions are good on the paper they are written on, but the proof of a religion is what its followers do in the real world.

I would get out of this marriage if I were you.

Good luck.