Have any adopted adult children ever discovered that, once your adoptive parents died, formerly loving?

Question

... that formerly loving relatives either turned on you or began to treat you coldly, as though they were finally free to let their true thoughts about you come out?

Answer 1

My amom died when I was 14. After her funeral her family stopped all contact with us. I spoke to one aunt and uncle on and off for a few years but it was made known that we were charity cases. Any contact with them for the past 16 years was initiated by me, not one has called to say hi. This family is extremely tight knit, we are the only ones out of the loop.

Answer 2

This is an interesting and sad question.  I wouldn't have even believed that someone could behave this way except that it happened in our family.  My sister in law died (husbands sis)  and my mother-in-law suddenly became extremely cold towards my little adopted nephew.  She did not act this way toward her biological niece (his sister) whom she became even closer to.  My mother-in-law frequently asks to get together with my niece but not with my nephew.   It is very sad to me that someone could act this way towards a 1st grade boy.  :(

Answer 3

No, for me it has been my bio family that has behaved this way.  After my bio mum went into cardiac arrest in my dining room, and while I was already struggling to cope with having had to give her CPR, my previously loving and accepting bio siblings showed their true colours.  Already having to cope with the pain of losing the mother I had only had for 4 years I then had to struggle through the loss of the rest of the family.

Answer 4

I think this an interesting question.  I had always thought that my mom was the driving force of our family.  But, after my dad died, we started to fall apart as a family.  Now, were pretty much Humpty-Dumpty broken.  It makes me wonder which of the two really wanted to adopted children.  Extended family keeps in touch with holiday and special occasion cards and letters.

Answer 5

My adoptive parents split when I was 3. I visited with my dad and his family for several years in the summers. After he had biological children. He wasn't so interested in me anymore. recently, I saw that my grandfather on my dad's side had passed away. I was not listed as a grandchild on the obit. this did not come as a surprise... it was just the first time I ever saw it in writing. I have been estranged from them for many years.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  I know that sometimes not all family members are on board when it comes to adoption.  Sometimes there are members who don't see an adopted person as "real" family.  It does happen.  It's not right, that's for sure.  It's bad enough you lost your parents, but the very family members on whom you felt you could rely left you.  I'm really sorry this has happened to you.  Just know it's not you, and that it does happen to other adoptees, as well.

As for the nasty post by ~~~~~~~~,  just try to ignore it and people who talk to you like that.  Yes, dynamics change in families, especially after huge events like deaths.  But total 180's aren't normally part of it.  So, ignore ~~~~~~~~, as that post was very dismissing, mean and even tried to put the blame on you, suggesting your behaviour could be a possible reason.  DO NOT listen to people like that.

Answer 7

well im not adopted, but thats really mean! sorry about your adoptive parents, by the way...

Answer 8

Well, I didn't even need to wait for my aparents to die.  I've never been treated like family by anyone in my family but them.  It's one thing that I fear that, once they're gone, my brothers (their bio children) will turn on me and close me out of any inheritance.  

As a matter of fact, I think my aparents are also afraid of this happening.  They have started asking me what I would like to have of theirs, and giving me those things now.  They seem to be afraid that after they're gone, I won't have a prayer of getting anything since my abrothers and their wives will want to cut me out because I'm not their 'real' child.  I'm certain that my abrothers won't hesitate to be cold to me once our parents are gone and they no longer have any reason to pretend.

It's sad, but as much as everyone tries to pretend that adoptees are just like bio children...it's just not always true.

Answer 9

My father adopted me with his first wife (she died when I was just 2) He remarried and his second wife is the only mom I've ever really known (unfortunately, I don't have any memories of my 1st adoptive mother). My dad passed away when I was 11. I was always afraid that my mom would decide that she didn't want me, that without my dad, I was just extra baggage.I couldn't have been more wrong. She has stood by me through all my s***w ups and has been there to cheer me on when I've succeeded.

I think the mistrust is just the damage done from my biological giving me up. I can rationalize every reason she had for giving me up, but there's always going to be a part of me that wonders why my mom didn't love me enough to keep me. I know not everyone feels the cut so deeply, but I really do think that once we find out we were given up, our views are going to be skewed for the rest of our lives.

Answer 10

Why does that necessarily mean it was because of adoption?  This happens in other families, too.  The death of any person can change the dynamics of the whole family.  

That being said, if this happened to you, I am very sorry!  That is tragic and inexcusable, unless your behavior warrants it (drugs, alcohol, violence, etc.).

I am not familiar with your posts, so I don't know-- But if this is a bait question, that, too would be inexcusable.

Answer 11

Interesting question.

My extended adoptive family, all except for one aunt and uncle (well, they were actually my adad's cousins but we always thought of them as more of aunt and uncle), never really were close even when my aparents were alive.  The older relatives never considered my adopted brother and I as "true" family because of our adopted status.

My aparents passed away 10 months apart, in 1996 and 1997.  My adad's passing was quick, from his 4th heart attack, my amom's slower, from cancer (I took care of her so she could stay at home and not have to go to a hospital or care home).  Since that time, not one person has called, sent a letter or card, made one attempt to check on us or see how we are doing, (our other brother, my aparents' n-son, had also suffered severe head trauma that year and was left legally blind and in my care as well).  

When the last of my great uncles passed away, all of the family heirlooms were sold off without my knowledge.  I didn't even get a chance to BUY something that belonged to my a-great grandparents.  They basically left my a-brother and me out of every single event, family reunion, anything that goes on, we are excluded.  If relatives pass away, we are lucky if we find out by reading it in the newspaper.  Nobody bothers to call us.  If we do find out, that's the only way we see any of them any more...is at funerals.

And it's not that I don't try; I send Christmas cards and sent birth announcements when my kids were born; I invited them to my wedding and try to keep in touch.  But it's not reciprocated.  Is it because I am adopted?  I can't say 100% yes, but I have a very strong suspicion that it plays a big part in it.

ETA:  Thanks John.  You know, I don't know...I never really thought about it actually, I just keep on living day to day.  Luckily I have a really great husband and two kids who keep me happy; they are my family.  I just can't let myself dwell on the hard stuff, ya know?

Answer 12

After my bdaughter's adad died, his family didn't want anything to do with her, she was 5 at the time, so I guess it can happen.