Have any good, tear jerking, knee slapping, uncontrollale laughing jokes?

Question

At my school we are having a comedy competition and i need to have amazing jokes to blow the competition out of the water. I don't want to search through websites so i was wondering if you guys had any great ones off the top of your head...i mean real kneeslappers and they can't be completely nasty, but my school is very lenient

Answer 1

Why did the blonde keep removing and replacing the cap to a Pepsi bottle?

Because it said sorry, try again underneath

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom?

A blonde at a blinking red light.

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam

So there's a kid in school, and the teacher tells him that when he comes to school 2morrow she wants him 2 tell her the first 3 letters of the alphabet, which he doesnt know. so he goes home and asks his sister, who's talking on the phone, wat the first letter of the alphabet is. "shut up" she said. then he goes to his dad who's watching a football game, and asks wat the 2nd letter is. the dad's team scores a touchdown, and he replies with an "oh yeah!" finally, the boy goes to his younger brother who is playing with action figures. He asks wat the 3rd letter is, and he goes "superman" so the next day the kid goes to school.......

Teacher:Did u learn the 1st 3 letters of the alphabet?

Boy: Yes

T: Wat is the 1st 1?

B: Shut up

T: WAT?

B: Shut up

T: Do want 2 b sent 2 the pricipal's office?

B: Oh yeah!

so he goes to the principals ffice, where the principal asks "Who do u think u r?"

Boy: SUPERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

I only know a funny joke in spanish, sorry :)

un hombre camina adentro la marketa y nota que la cajera se echo un pedo. El yega a la caja para pagar y ella le dice "fifty two". el le dice "estas pendeja fuestes tu!"

i think thats how it goes, sorry it's only funny in spanish  

Answer 3

Michael Angelo was crafting the ceiling of one of the churches. In doing so, he had to lay down on a high beam and craft the ceiling. He soon felt tired and sat up on the beam to rest a bit. Looking down, on the front pew, he saw an old lady praying Rosary. Michael Angelo soon felt like playing a joke with the lady, so he cried out, "Hi lady, look up, I'm Jesus your lord." The lady kept on praying. MA thought she might be a little deaf due to her age. So he shouted louder "Hi lady, this is Jesus your lord speaking!". The old lady finally responded, she said, "Shut up, don't you see, I'm talking to your mother."

Answer 4

dis is a bit dirty n was on y answers a day/2 ago  but its gr8!

ocne wife was in bed wid her lover. her kid is peekin at dem(hidin in a cupboard). suddenly, her husband comes. d man quickly hides in d same cup board.

boy says "its dark in here"

d person is frightened. replies "what do u want"

boy-"iv gt a football, wanna buy it fr 250 $?"

person"y wud it do that"

boy-"ill throw it out....."

person buys it, gets away.

few days after, same thing happens(both in d cupboard)

boy-"its dark in here"

d person is frightened again. replies "what do u want"

boy-"iv gt football shoes, wanna buy it fr 750 $?"

person"y wud it do that"

boy-"ill throw them out....."

person buys it, gets away.

father asks son 2 come n play football. son says"i sold dem 2 a frnd fr 1000$."

fateher - "that is outrageous, u must go 2 d church n confess"

son - "OK"

he goes n says 2 priest "its dark in here"

priest "yes, u *!@#* BUT THIS IS MY CUP BOARD, U UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

lol

Answer 5

what did the mexican say when two houses fell on him?

get off me homes.