Have any one of you who are adopted...?

Question

... searched for, and found your birth parent(s), and NOT happy you did it ?

Answer 1

I personally have a great reunion.  Contrary to the belief of some people, not all natural parents just "didn't want" their children.

However, I also know other adopted people/natural parents who don't have positive reunions.  I don't think there's anyone here who has tried to say that all reunions are positive.  You'll see a mix of positive and negative reunions, just like you'll see a mix of positive and negative familial relationships of all types.

Answer 2

Before beginning my search, I spent several months preparing myself emotionally.  Talking to other adoptees & birth parents; I learned that if a door was shut in my face, it's a door being closed on the past - not on ME.  

Once I cleared my "expectations", I was ready to begin. I only hoped to find my heritage, history, medical information, who I looked like maybe, who took after; and MY story...why I was "given up"?  Answers to these questions are the only "void" I wanted to fill.  

I WASN'T looking for "parents".  I wasn't looking for a happy ending.  I didn't want to "replace" my parents (the one's who raised me).  As Isabel a said, "Finding answers to my questions has been a huge relief to me."  I'm at peace, finally, knowing my whole story.  

People who are unprepared, or who search with unrealistic expectations face the potential of unhappy reunions.

I was happily surprised that my birth mom WANTED to find me, too.  She'd been afraid she'd "mess up" my life.  She hadn't given me away. I was taken from her for "living with a man" (not married).  

I expected my birth father would deny I was his, based on my b-mom's memory.  When I contacted him, I asked him only for medical information.  I was again happily surprised that he wanted to meet me.  

The "happy" part of my story is because I got more than I expected in both cases.  Had they not wanted to meet me, I probably would have been disappointed, I admit.  Yet I'd still be happy that I didn't have the many QUESTIONS hanging over my head!!        

What I AM happy about is having medical information to give my children and grandchildren.  

Even if the reunion had been terrible, I'd be glad that I searched and found my information.

BTW --- Where do people get this $h!+?  ....

"They didn't want you in the first place."  

"the adopted child expects the parent to fill a void"

"Adoption is a very UNSELFISH thing that women do when they know they cannot provide for that child"

Answer 3

oh god.  when i searched for my parents, it was a heart break.  i found that they were both sexual predators!  YIKES-- i know, right!  if you are going to search be ready for the results, it could end up happy, but don't search by yourself, make it controlled, and set up... maybe your parents won't be freaks.  There could be a reason you aren't with them now.

Remember that my child.

Answer 4

I try to follow Buddhist ways

but my grudge against my father is so black that I am not sure I will reincarnate well or go to Heaven

it keeps me from seeing the truth..

Answer 5

yes it is possible because alot of times the parent  moved on and seeing that child they neglected can bring about bad feelings within themselves.  It's not always positive too because the adopted child expects the parent to fill a void but by that time it's too late.

Answer 6

as a birth mother I know that some people aren't happy when their parents don't turn out to be prince and princess charming but it always adds to a person to know where they came from (and to know who to ask for a kidney).. Good luck

Answer 7

That doesnt surprise me....They didnt want you in the first place.  The people who raised you ARE YOUR PARENTS.

Answer 8

The finding them was ok and so was meeting them but that was it. When it came to having any kind of relationship at all they just had no follow through. It kind of broke my heart at first but after all they gave me up in the first place. So, no real shock there.

Answer 9

I resent the comment that a birth mother gives up a child when they don't want them anyway!  Adoption is a beautiful thing and it is VERY VERY VERY VERY hard to give that baby a better future.  It is a very UNSELFISH thing that  women do when they know they cannot provide for that child for whatever reason.

  It is people with that kind of attitude that make young girls or any woman abort or keep a child that they cant truly support or don't have the skills to do so.

When someone gives a child up it isn't some heartless act, they have 9 almost 10 agonizing months to think it out and pick the perfect couple for whom they think their beautiful child should be with.

  So if you think adoption is a bad thing or only bad people give their children up you are Absolutely MISTAKEN.

Answer 10

Go to adoption.com

You'll see tons of posts in regards to failed reunions or reunions that are not what people expected.

Registering is free.

http://www.adoption.com

Answer 11

nope. im only partially adopted and i know who my real dad is and i never wanna see him again. last i heard he was in jail

Answer 12

Even though my reunion experience was not particularly positive, I'm glad I searched.  I have more information than I did before, and I can't tell you how empowering that feels.  I have no relationship with my first mother, she won't tell me who my father is/was, she hasn't told her other kids I exist, and she shared some info with me about my birth that I found hurtful.

I'm still not sorry.

Answer 13

It is not as simple as "positive" or "negative".

Some people seem to forget that adoptees didn't just lose our mothers, we lost our entire families.

As for me, my mother is batsh*t crazy and my father has ice running through his veins, but I have a loving brother, wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, and I miss my deceased grand-parents greatly.

I'll never understand adoptees who don't want to know their own tribe. It's like living your life starting at chapter two.

And I didn't search, I was found.

Answer 14

I am so, so, so glad that I found my biological family.  Finding answers to my questions has been a huge relief to me.  My story is different from many though in that I was planned, wanted and loved but relinquished under extreme duress and yes, coercion (sorry but in my case, it's true and I have documentation of it).  

I did  a lot of research before finding my biofamily so I knew that reunion would probably be rocky and it has been, Boy! has it ever.  It is not easy to navigate the relationship that I have with my firstmom and my siblings but it's been worth it.

With that said, I know many who have not had it quite as easy.  Contact denial is a big, big issue in reunion.  I've experienced this a bit as my biofather died several years before I found them and his family including his parents really want nothing to do with me or my children.  It stings a bit but for me, it's still worth it.  Their loss.

I can not tell you the amount of peace I have received from finding and learning the truth of my origins.  For me, reunion is challenging but it is worth it bumps and all.

Answer 15

well i tryed looking for my mom but no luck but my dad well different story

i should have just let it go

Answer 16

I knew early on it was a family adoption, and they aren't all happy.

Answer 17

Hi Short Shrimp,

Thanks for asking about whether adoptees are happy they searched or not.  I believe that question may also be asked by some who do not really understand what it is an adoptee is searching for.  They might believe that an adoptee wants richer or nicer parents.  They may believe that an adoptee will be disappointed if they do not find somebody better.

I think to fully answer your question, it's important to stress that it is not even about the person who is found.  Searching is an internal journey the adoptee takes to find answers as to his/her origins & how he/she fits in the world.  It is about restoring what was taken from them and gaining a sense of completeness as a human being.  A search brings about an inner peace and connection that cannot be attained in any other way.

As a reunited adoptee, I have never regretted having the answers I have today.  It would not have mattered one bit what it was that I found.  The fact is, it was MY truth I was looking for, and I found that.  In that respect, every completed search is a success because it puts an end to the unknowns and replaces them with reality.  Once an adoptee has their truths, nobody can ever take that away from him/her again.

A search is successful because it brings answers and peace of mind.  Regardless of what is found, it brings needed closure so that an adoptee can then get on with their life.  I believe that if a loving, permanent relationship results from the search, then that is a bonus to completing the search, rather than being the purpose of an adoptee's search.  

julie j

reunited adoptee