Have you adopted a different race?

Question

My husband and I were planning on adopting a child, and it really doesn't matter what race. However, I spoke with a friend yesterday whom has many adopted children, including a latino boy, black girl, and two white children. She says that when she is out in public with them, sometimes people say rude remarks while under the assumption that she, uh, slept with many different people.

I was wondering if this is a common occurrence and how one deals with it?

Answer 1

i personally have no children we're still trying and thinking a/b adoption. but all i can tell you is that people will say and think whatever they want a/b you w/o the facts anyway. the only ones who matter is the CREATOR and your family. you just have to shake it off. i'm an american muslim so i deal w/ discrimination on a daily basis. you have to do what's best for you and your family. if you have thick skin then do as you please but if you are easily intimidated then i would think long and hard a/b this decision . i had friends who adopted 5 multi-racial children and it's worked out fine. one of them was even a relative of mine. sometimes you have to listen to your heatr and ignore the people ignorant enough to say such nastines. just remember you'll be giving a child a loving home. take care

Answer 2

here are some comebacks that came to mind.....

"i'm a babysitter"

"I run a child trafficing business" followed by casual guilty smile and then you can ask "do you have any kids?"

"no, i'm adopting a rainbow just like angelina and brad"

"children what do we say when we see a nice man" and your kids could say "are you my daddy?"  you know, just play along with it...

or you could just smile and make them keep guessing... anyways just kill them with comedy and kindness, have a chuckle, we all could use one!

Answer 3

I agree with Spidermomma.  My husband and I are white and adopted a beautiful hispanic daughter.  We are both dark haired and brown eyed but are definitely not hispanic looking.  When I considered  a diferent race adoption, I didn't think it would matter to anyone if it didn't matter to me.  I knew I would have so much love in my heart for this child that it wouldn't matter if she was black or white or pink or purple.  I know how naive that sounds now but I was young and idealistic and that is how if truly felt.

We've had rude comments but, honestly, I just laughed them off.  People who are rude about adoption are also rude about everything else, too.  When people would say she looks hispanic, I would say, "Shhhhhhhh!! My husband hasn't noticed."--lol.  Trouble came when she was in junior high school.  The Mexican kids called her a coconut--she was brown on the outside and white on the inside.  The white kids "knew" she was hispanic because she had brown skin.  She was a popular kid with friends of all races but she really had trouble figuring out how she fit in.  She married a wonderful (and patient) hispanic man, though, and one of the biggest challenges in the marriage has been with trying to fit in with his family, many of whom don't speak English but thru patience and hard work, they are working thru that, too.

She finally came to terms with her adoption when she was 24 and gave birth to her son.  She realized when she held him for the first time how much love she had for him and at the same moment realized how much SHE was loved by us.  It doesn't matter how the child comes into a family, the child is loved unconditionally and so completely just for BEING.

Answer 4

My husband and I are both white and we adopted a child who is mixed - part white, part black. Honestly we don't get that many comments, or if we do, they go over my head.

When I'm out with her by myself, if people say anything they just ask if she is mixed. Never in a negative way though, just in a "my kid is mixed, is she too?" or "what pretty coloring, how did she get it" sort of way.

When it's the whole family I guess people look at us a little odd sometimes and maybe they do think things, but they don't say anything. The oddest comment I ever had was from an elderly lady in the grocery store who was looking at us a lot and smiling and finally she came up to me and after a few minutes of telling me how cute my daughter was, aren't they a lot of work, but isn't it worth it sort of stuff, she finally leans in real close to me and kind of whispers, "You know she's black right?". I just laughed, and said, "yep, we're onto that."

Answer 5

my son and daughterinlaw adopted a byracial (white mom/black dad), girl when she was 8 hours old. Shes the best thing that ever happened to all of us. We feel she was sent by God...she just came to us in a slightly different way....this kind of stuff your talking about happening does happen alot buy i we'll just smile and go on. This is not as uncommon nowadays to have a biracial child, and alot of people are starting to grow up in there minds and accept that Jesus sees us all as his children, red and yellow black and white they are precious in his site, Jesus loves the little children of the world...

Answer 6

We adopted our son is half Mexican half white.  I just smile at people when I get those looks.....I figure it really is non of their business and, they can think what they want.  And the first answer is right.  God see's all the children the same he is not color blind.

Answer 7

I cant agree enough with spydermomma. I am a beautiful biracial woman, and i was adopted by a biracial couple. My dad is a highly educated and intelegent black man and my(white) mom was a orgainist. When i was with both my parents it just looked normal you know, chocolate plus vanilla equals  swirl ice cream as i used to say as a kid.  But people always used to look at my (white) mom and then look at me and be confused. I have never had rude comments about me and mu mother just rude looks.

Highschool was another story. People want to believe that rasism is a thing of the past. Well i am here to tell you it is not. I got **** from every single direction.  To black for the whites to white for the blacks. Names galore! Oreo ect.

I wish race didnt matter.

Now i am older and dating a white man and occasionally i get weird looks. If we have kids and some random person says anything I'm taking off my earrings and telling my kids to close their eyes! LOL

Answer 8

Adpot only if u're longing 4 a child. if u children of u're blood, don't adpot.

Answer 9

I want to start adopting and do not care about the race.

However, my sister has adopted 9 children and is going to adopt twins in 3 months(she is going to adopt a friend's sister's babies since she cannot care for them). She has adopted one white child, two Latinos, three from different countries in Africa, one from Iraq and two from Vietnam and the twins she is adopting, they have a Hispanic backround aswell. She  has gotten the same remarks. All she says is "Think whatever you wish to think, but I adopted each of these children and they are all miracles of God and even if I hadn't adopted them, it doesn't matter if I slept with many different men, because I love each of them the same."

Don't worry about adopting a different race, it doesn't matter what race the child is, it only matters of the love.

~Taylor

Answer 10

Thats funny because i am adopted into a white family,and i was never aware of comments said to us-especially as my adoptive siblings were blond and blue eyed children LOL. maybe people did say things but i did not notice.i think my mother would have actually found it amusing,and ia m sure come up with witty comments!.at the end of the day my parent's chose to have a mixed race child,and what other people think is really irrelevant!.if i adopt a child of a different race i would really not care what people say,and would raise the child to relaise that these people are ignorant and to be ignored.

Answer 11

My son, who was adopted at the age of 2, is part Hispanic. He must also be part Caucasian as he has very pale skin and sandy hair. People tell my ex-husband and I all the time (we are both Caucasian) that our son looks "just like" us! Whatever. That wasn't important to us, but quite honestly, I'm glad we can avoid some of the stupid comments idiots make in the market, mall, at the playground, etc. Some of Gershom's answers made me laugh out loud (the child trafficking one in particular), and mzmerz's answer was priceless! I'd pay good money to see the faces of the morons who ask those questions after those answers are given! Tish's nanny also gets my vote for having some great comebacks. I love 'em all!

However, just because my son's skin color is similar to mine doesn't mean we are immune to idiots. People who know my son was adopted ask things like, "Was his birth mother on drugs?" Um, excuse me? Why is this any of your business? And the sad thing is, if I say no (which is true), they won't believe me anyway. So many people just assume that kids are adopted because their birth mothers are crack addicts and that is so wrong. The one that really blew my mind though was, "How could anyone give up such a beautiful child?" Oh, give me a break! Clearly people who do not understand the foster care system or have a clue about why *some* children are available for adoption in the first place.

Answer 12

if people are making rude remarks, i haven't noticed...i generally don't, as a general rule, pay much attention to strangers.  my wife is native american, i'm caucasian, and our oldest child looks 'mostly white', and we have adopted a child whose mother is caucasian/native american, and father is african-american/latino...it's funny, but the oldest child looks more like me and the youngest looks more like my wife, but people we meet tell us the two kids must be 'blood-siblings'...maybe it's just the way they interact with each other...my advice? ignore stupidity

Answer 13

This does happen, and much worse questions as well. The questions that I think are worse are those that focus on the child(ren) rather than on the mom. The mom is a grownup and knowingly entered into this situation, but the kids did not, and people do ask all kinds of very intrusive things when you are an obvious adoptive family (or a multiracial family by birth).

That is one of the reasons why I think you should consider race a little more. It is fine to say that race does not matter to you -- and it shouldn't -- but this isn't just about you.  Race can matter an awful lot to the child you adopt and the teen and adult they become. Race still matters in our society (and all societies I know about). Racism is still a huge issue -- getting smaller, but still huge.

If you adopt a child of another race, not only will they be subjected to rude questions, but they may have a hard time developing a healthy self-identity as a person of color. Among many other issues, they might be ridiculed or ostracized by some of their race for not being "black enough," not speaking Spanish or Cantonese, all sorts of things, depending on their ethnic background. They may face issues of racism that adoptive parents of a different race or ethnicity would be ill-equiped to prepare them for (particularly white adoptive parents).

So it can be a big issue and a big challenge and it isn't something to be entered into without a lot of thought.

PS: I like Gershom's answers to the stupid questions people ask.

Answer 14

Happens to us all the time, I just chalk it up to people just being stupid. My favorite comeback when peope ask if my chinese adopted daughter's father was Chinese, "I don't know, I didn't get that good of a look at him".

Honestly, though, I really hate it when people say, in front of my daughter, "you know they throw away the girsl in China".  I'm thinking, WOW  That's news to me! while fuming about the idiot.  It's not really the peopl's fault, it's their ancient government with their blasted pride.