Have you ever been hard on an adoptive parent?

Question

...because you resent them and feel that they got in the way of relationship with real parents?

Answer 1

Ditto what Robin said

My adoptive parents and I have a great relationship because of the fact that they've neer 'got in the way'  they've only helped me and supported me in the search for my origins and first family.

I often wished that they'd gotten more information about the first chapter of my life, but as it wasn't available to them at the time, how could I resent them for that.

I would resent it if details about my life were witheld from me intentionally, as you find alot of adopters doing nowadays - that's just plain wrong.

Openness and honesty in adoption is the order of the day and if you have that, then you will only have a stronger relationship as a result.

Answer 2

When i was younger i said mean things to them. now that i'm an adult i can see that they were the most understanding adoptive parents a kid could have. I think most of the things i said to them was just my own feelings about my adoption and i really couldn't explain to them excatly how i felt.

Answer 3

Why would you?  They welcomed a stranger into their home and took care of it.  The real parent wasn't able to take care of the baby through loving choice or court order.

Answer 4

No. Do people really think that way? I see adoption as uniting a baby that was given away to a family that desperately desires it. How does resentment even enter the picture? If the bio parents didn't give the child up, the adoptive parents wouldn't even be in the picture!

Answer 5

Did I give them a hard time - absolutely - they wouldn't tell me my truth.

(it was my truth to have - not theirs to keep)

They even made me feel guilty for wanting to know my truth!!

They made it all about them.

It should have been about me.

I was a child.

Children need to know their own story.

As an adoptive parent - if you have a problem with the concept of your child sharing their love amongst ALL of their family - you should have never adopted.

Making adoptees choose sides is wrong - and psychologically damaging.

Damage that takes a h**l of a long time (& therapy dollars) to undo.

Adoptees didn't ask to be taken from their family of birth - and placed randomly with another.

Those decisions were adult decisions.

The adoptee should be allowed to know their truth - and be allowed to feel however they want to - about the situation.

They are the ones living with the mess.

Please don't place even more pressure on an adoptee that already places a whole heap on themselves - daily.

They want to love all - freely - and they want to be loved by all - in return.

Answer 6

in the first place, where were your real parents when you needed them the most.

Answer 7

I would imagine the reason why you are with your adopted parents is because your real parents didnt want to take care of you or couldnt. So really you should be happy that someone else wanted to have you in their lives and you didnt grow up alone....

Answer 8

OMG! This is one of those questions that the ANSWERS tend to make me a tad bit crazy.  

Comments such as, "I see adoption as uniting a baby that was given away to a family that desperately desires it."  ---and--- "your real parents didn't want to take care of you."  

Why do people feel compelled to perpetuate the myth that adoptees are "unwanted"?  In most cases, children are relinquished b/c their parent(s) feel unable to parent their child, either due to financial circumstances, or age, or other life situations.  NOT because they don't "want" their child.  Those words are damaging-hurtful-painful!

In years past, babies were taken from their mothers simply because the mom's were unwed.  Read the book, "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler for a serious look at adoption in the US.

Now...for your question: I never resented my a.parents or felt that they "got in the way" of a relationship with my "real" parents.  Actually, in my mind, they were my "real" parents, because they raised me.  A sentiment I've seen repeated in this forum by MANY adoptees.  I don't like the term "real" BTW, because it implies that one set of parents is 'fake'.

It was my a.mom who gave me the information that helped me find my first mom.  I'm grateful to her for that. She absolutely expressed no jealousy, nor did she make me feel guilty for wondering.  My dad supported me in my search even though he feared he'd "lose" me.  I love him even MORE b/c he supported me in the face of his own insecurities.  

I discovered when I met my first mom that she didn't willingly give me up, but that I was taken from her b/c she was alone (her husband had abandoned her) & didn't make much $$ working as a waitress.  (per court records)  My parents were initially my foster parents.  They didn't know, either.

What I DID resent my a.mom for when I got older was the fact that she reluctantly agreed to my adoption; then took her bitterness & resentment out on me.  The ONLY resentment I have against HER is from the physical & emotional abuse she heaped upon me.  

I adored my dad (the one who raised me) & never doubted for a minute that he loved me.  I didn't & don't resent him. He passed away 11 years ago.  Two days later, my a.mom "unadopted" me, leaving the message on my answering machine.

My (bio) daughter seemingly hated me for several of her teen years.  It was a tough few years!  So, no matter what - adopted or bio - some kids have a difficult time through the teen years.  It's hard to forge your independence, figure out who you are, try to separate from your parents and develop your own self image while wanting to remain dependent, or not, or maybe so...  LOL!  Have a little compassion.  Think back to how hard it was for you during those years.

And yes, adoption often adds another complexity to the teen angst.  It's harder to figure out who you are.  Consider reading the book, "Journey of The Adopted Self" for some insight that can help you as a parent.

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Adopted-Se...

Hope this is helpful.  Good luck!

ETA: Ditto to what Possum wrote!  Well written and very moving.  Wow!

Answer 9

When you have a child does not matter if you have adoptive or from your own born baby,but it's your child,when you have adopted a child just you made him/her as your own baby and you do everything for child what you have to do in all conditions,and hope you have dome that,I don't know how the hate came in her mind,that she wants to hurt in all they ways.I am sorry for that.I also have children and they are all grown up,but still they listen to me and to there mother.I wish you also good luck.

Answer 10

No.  I've never blamed my aparents for my being adopted.  I know that would have happened no matter if it had been them or another couple who had adopted me.