Have you ever wished that things would have been different?

Question

Never ever have I felt that I wish I wasnt adopted by my parents, and its not that I wish that I wouldnt have been with them . Its just I wonder what if it would have been like to not have been. My birthmom just contacted me, and just the pictures (of her and my 1/2 brothers) makes me wish I was apart of it sometimes. I feel like I was left out. Anyone else get that feeling when they are in contact at first with their birthparents?

Answer 1

I imagine that is a common feeling among children who were adopted.  But look at the flip side--how much would you have missed out on and not been a part of if you hadn't been adopted into the family who raised you?

ETA:  Sheesh!  Three "thumbs-downs" for trying to encourage the OP to look at things from a different perspective and see the bright side of things?

Answer 2

I'm an adoptive mother with two biological children as well.

What you've described is something a lot of adopted people say.  My son met his birth family and the half-siblings did look like him.  

What I would hope for all adoptive children, though, is that they always remember that they are a part of their "own" (adoptive) family; and there will always be other families of which any of us have not been a part.

Another way to look at it is to keep in mind that adopted people belong to two families.

Just keep in mind that most adoptive parents love their children so much, they understand that their adoptive child will have whatever emotions go with meeting the birth family.  However you feel is your right to feel, and your adoptive parents probably really understand.

Answer 3

Speaking only for myself, yes, I have this feeling.  

I wonder.  

And then I feel awful because I do love my adoptive parents and I don't wish that they hadn't raised me.  

But I also do wonder what it would have been like if things had been different.  When I visited with my first family a few weeks ago, it felt so normal and natural.  I just "fit."  It was easy and comfortable.  And I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have grown up with them.

In the last nine months, I've gotten a bit more comfortable with holding two different, and indeed contradictory thoughts in my head:  One being happy to be a part of my adoptive family, and the other wondering what life would be like if I had stayed with my first mom.  

What you're describing sounds very much like what I've been going through.

Answer 4

Yes, I have had these sorts of feelings.  As a adoptee, I do have two families.  Whether I accept them both as families or not is one thing, but the reality is that I have two families.  

It doesn't mean that I don't love my amom or that I wish she didn't raise me.  That's not the issue at all.  

Adoption is a lot more complex than "this family or that family."  

My first family doesn't think of me as having been 'adopted out' -- more like just wasn't around for a long time.  That makes it easier, but I sometimes wonder what it would have been like, for example, growing up with my cousin Shannon, with whom I've very close.  If my natural dad had continued to raise me, Shannon and I would have grown up in the same town as cousins.

What you're saying makes perfect sense to me.

Answer 5

I found myself wishing that I could have lived BOTH lives.

Answer 6

never been in that position love but i can understand it isn't it best to just not worry about what might have been saves a lot of questions and heartache

Answer 7

Absolutely.

I spend a lot of time wondering what would have changed in my life, if my mom hadn't been forced to give me up.  Not all the changes would have been good ones, and I doubt that I would have my husband or my son if I had been raised by my mom.

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have the family she has now either.  

Things would be MUCH different.  I do feel left out sometimes, and torn in different directions at other times.

Answer 8

what i wish is that i was born to my aparents.

Answer 9

Yes - I know exactly what you mean.

And it's ok to feel like that.

Adoptees are forever stuck in the middle - and we had no choice in it.

And do not listen to anyone who says - '...but look at the bright side' - because being able to voice these feelings is extremely important - as only then you can work through them - and even - like Phil said - come to an understanding that you can have completely mixed feelings about your own adoption.

You obviously look deeply at your own life - and know what good has come from it - but know that you are allowed to feel sad for the parts you had no control over.

Take things slowly with your newly found family.

I do hope that you can get to know each other well.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 10

I always wonder... but i dont ever wish. I love my parents and brothers. But I still always wonder...

Answer 11

i only wish i would have searched sooner. my birthmother and i would have KILLED each other growing up, we are too much alike and it would have ended bad. i know that.

but we have a great relationship now, she is my best friend. but most adoptees do have this feeling. that wonder of the 'what if...'. its totally normal.

Answer 12

Every day.  But then, there were no positives to my adoption.