Have you found that you're?

Question

Still Holding On - monotetra

Along this road that some call life,

I felt the cut of glist'ning knife

with no emotion but pain rife,

so filled with strife, so filled with strife

You explained that my aura's red,

that's not the reason why I bled,

offered my life for yours instead,

it's what you said, it's what you said.

You promised love eternally,

that you would hold so tight to me,

but now from my embrace you flee.

I didn't see, I didn't see.

I've shown my hand, I guess I fold,

running after love's fool's gold

would break the weak and strongest hold.

I find I'm old. I find I'm old.

We're both the victims of romance,

and no, I have not changed my stance.

I am still caught within your trance.

Can we just dance--can we just dance?

Answer 1

Oh this is really good...Heh You know what's funny? I recently had a dream that I was dancing with you...Le sigh I would dance with you anytime..Of course you know I mean literal dancing not figurative

Answer 2

I am in awe....You have such a beautiful talent!

I bow to you, my sister!

Answer 3

I know this feeling well...I know you share my hearts ach for the lost one or is he found? Lost to us but found to peace? who knows...only he.

Blessed Be,

Cat

Answer 4

Beautiful and so well done!! I loved this one!

You write so many I say that about!

So true, so true!  Thanks for sharing!! Cheers !!

Answer 5

It doesn't strike an emotional chord on me, but it is well written and has an easy meter.

S3-L4: I did not see, I did not see--was how I read it to match it to the other ending lines.

I am becoming quite the fan of your work--you are very easy on the ears.

Answer 6

If you don't mind right now: I have trouble liking the monotera form because it is too easy to make jingly fourth lines.  However, I liked your first one, and I think I favour this one the second best.  The last two stanzas are excellent, with both fourth lines well handled.  Stz 1 is falters twice to my ear (the adjective inversion in l.3 is less than pleasing to me, as is the omitted article in l.2).  Stz. 1-3 do not stand out as much as 4-5, but they are fine; and you may be wise, for as Orsino warns, `give me excess of it, that surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die.'

Answer 7

My feeling is that your poetry improves the form and not the reverse. The strictures of this form push  the poems toward silliness. I have read so much by you on similar themes, in similar language, that are so much better. This is as if a full-grown adult were riding a tricycle.

Answer 8

I like this very much...In particular the message in the singular lines..The last line of each stanza together read so well on their own to me.