Have you known any AP's that have problems?

Question

I know we hear about how "biological" mothers have addictions and mental problems, I was wondering about the AP's you know?

1. Are they still married?

2. Have they lost a job?

3. Do they drink?

4. Do they do drugs, (prescription in excess and yes, I'm including pot)

5. Do they suffer from depression or are they on medication for it?

6. Do they have any other health issues that interfers with their ability to parent?

7. Do they yell alot?

8. Do they keep their house clean?

9. Are they in credit card debt?

10. Do they send the children to boarding schools and camps?

11. Do they hire nannies to take care of the children?

12. Did the husband REALLY want the adoptee or was he just trying to pacify his wife?

13. Do the siblings get along?

Answer 1

I know your question isn't about "painting AP's as bad" or anything like that.  But, it really gets down to the heart of something I frequently say here.  As obvious and logical as it is that AP's are no more or no less human than any other parents, people get terribly threatened by that thought.

I have known plenty of AP's with the same types of problems as biological parents who raise their kids.  PAP's don't suddenly become endowed with "super parent" abilities when they become AP's.  They're human.  

At any rate, my best friend's AP's are both alcoholics who stated in front of a counselor that they would continue drinking, even though their daughter said it was too hard on her.  When she was 6, her father would set her on his lap in the car so she could steer when he was too drunk.  He beat her.

Her mother, in her drunkenness, urinated on the floor at her daughter's college sorority party.  She once came home from a party with no clothes on, but only her coat.  Her husband was out of town on business.

This was the family who adopted my best friend.  Oh, and despite the fact that they just had to have a child, they immediately hired nannies so mom could go to her social events.

AP's are only human, too.  Just like any other parent, there are good ones, adequate ones, and a few downright lousy ones.

Answer 2

As an AP, I can only answer for myself.

1. Are they still married?  yes, 34 years

2. Have they lost a job? Never

3. Do they drink? No.  smoke?  No

4. Do they do drugs, (prescription in excess and yes, I'm including pot)  Never

5. Do they suffer from depression or are they on medication for it?  Never

6. Do they have any other health issues that interfers with their ability to parent?  None

7. Do they yell alot?  NO, almost never.  Everyone yells now and again.

8. Do they keep their house clean?  Clean enough

9. Are they in credit card debt?  No.  House paid for.  Cars paid for.

10. Do they send the children to boarding schools and camps?  Never

11. Do they hire nannies to take care of the children?  Give me a break!! NO

12. Did the husband REALLY want the adoptee or was he just trying to pacify his wife? Yes, he wanted to be a father.

13. Do the siblings get along?  Adopted daughter is an only child.   Was always a popular girl in school with lots of friends and got along well with both children and adults.

Now, she is a well adjusted adult, wife, and mother.  We are best of friends.  She is curious about her biological family but is not an "angry adoptee".  A super daughter that any mother would be proud to call her own.

I am a christian and try very hard to live my life setting an example for my daughter, grandson, the kids at school, and everyone including non-believers.

I have several friends who have adopted and all of their answers would have been similar to mine.  All the AP;s I know are excellent parents (and now grandparents). :)

Answer 3

IMO, everyone has problems at one point or another.  Do we really need to label people as bio-parents or adoptive parents because they have problems?  

I am an adoptive parent who:

Yes, has lost a job because of corporate mergers; casually has a social drink; suffers from depression & stress on occasion and does take meds for it because I sought help; suffers health issues that can sometimes interfere with parenting but I also have a great husband to lean on in those times; Yes, I do yell at times; definitely do not keep my house spotless; have credit card debt; will send my son to camp when he gets older because it will be good for him to meet others with his medical disorder; and yes, I fight with my sibling on occasion.  So I guess based on those answers, some would say that I'm not qualified to be a mom.  But the reality is, I don't know many moms who (if they are being truthful) would have "perfect" answers to those questions.

Answer 4

I think that if we were comparing, instead of birthparents who are mostly in crisis when they choose adoption, versus adoptive parents, we compare adoptive parents with bio parents going through extensive fertility treatments.surgeries and then getting pregnant, then we would find similarly stable, mostly healthy families.  But, again, to compare these highly motivated parents to a parent in crisis is unfair.  Some of the most loving, giving and courageous women I have known have been birth mothers placing their child for adoption.  Despite, for the most part, being in the middle of long term struggles or life crises.

Answer 5

I am a AP and I can answer for myself-

1- YES, and love my hubby dearly - we have been married for over 26 years

2- My husband is disabled and I am a free-lance musician

3- NO

4- NO

5- NO- however we can get depressed at times

6- We both have health issues, but it never made us unable to parent

7- NO

8- most of the time

9- NO

10- NO

11- NO

12- Yes, he did, what are you trying to say?

13- As well as can be expected

May I ask you a question- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO say about AP's?

Answer 6

Not really sure where you are going with all the info, but I'll chime in because I am an adoptive parent.

1. Still married - nearly 14 years.

2. Both gainfully employed.

3. No drinking - other than a rare glass of wine with dinner.

4. No drugs...ever.

5. No depression.

6. No health issues that affect parently.

7. No yelling.

8. House reasonably clean, but with 2 small kids it's hard to keep up with everything.

9. No debt.

10. No boarding schools. Summer camps could be an option when the kids are older. Only if it's something they want to experience.

11. No nanny - kids are in daycare.

12. Yes, my husband REALLY wanted children.

13. Kids are young, 2.5 years and 11 months. They get along as well as little ones can.

Answer 7

No, what you are TRYING to do is paind AP's out as bad people.  No AP is an angel, but then neither is any biological parent.  They're all people.  However, AP's are usually in a BETTER situation to care for the child than the biologial parent - and, btw, it is the biological parent's CHOICE to say she isn't ready to care for the baby.  No AP is going around to hospital delivery rooms snatching up babies and going "I'm a better parent, ha ha ha!".  

But, here we go...  I can give you information on the five sets of adoptive parents I know personally...  I probably know more than that, but their names aren't comming to mind.  Bear in mind, all of these parents have AT LEAST one adoptive child who is over 18, so the adoptions aren't recent things.  

My parents...

1.  Yes

2.  No

3.  My dad does, my mother doesn't.  My dad has never hit anyone while drinking (or not drinking), but can get a little....  unreasonable.  

4. No

5. Somewhat - but so does a very significant portion of the American population.  I don't think either of them is on medication now...  and neither of them took meds when I was growing up...  but they have at some points in time.  

6.  My father had discs slip out of his back right after my brothers were adopted.  It meant he was often in severe pain and sometimes couldn't play as hard as he wanted - but he still got down and wrestled with us whenever he could.  

7.  Yes - this was a downfall of my family.  

8.  Um - semi

9. No

10. Is summer camp a bad thing?  I loved it.  I also went to "boarding school" (of a sort) for a couple of years, but none of the boys did.  

11.  Well, sorta.  She wasn't "live in" but it was cheaper to hire a private babysitter than pay daycare for so many kids (there were 4 of us when I was little - two more later on) and once we started with her, she was like a second grandmother.  However, I think this is better than daycare for most kids.  

12.  My father was skeptical about adoption at first, but found it a wholeheartedly rewarding experience.  

13. Do siblings EVER get along?  We got along somewhere in the middle of the continuum.  We weren't "best buds" but we weren't chasing eachother with knives, or shooting eachother with pellet guns either.  From what I saw of my friends home lives, we were pretty "middle of the road".  

The parents of my childhood best friend:  

1.  Yes

2.  No

3.  Yes - but not to extreme

4.  Not that I know of, and since I lived half my childhood at their house, I'm pretty sure I would have noticed.  

5.  How should I know?  That really is something that's between a person and his/her doctor.  Nothing has ever shown on the outside.  

6.  The father was colorblind - that just meant he was useless at helping to dress the kids.  

7.  I don't think so - I never heard it and my friend never complained.  She thought my parents were nuts.  

8.  Yes, very.  

9.  Again, how should I know this?  This is between a person and his/her credit report.  

10. Summer camps from time to time when the kids wanted it, otherwise, no.  

11.  Non nanny I knew of, but they had a grandmother who didn't work.  

12.  Again, I don't know, but he seemed to love his son.  

13.  They get along better now.  The "adoptee" was a bit wild in his childhood, and was the older brother to two younger sisters.  They didn't get along GREAT growing up, but they didn't seem to hate eachother's guys any more than any other two close siblings.  Now they seem to get along fine.  

My best friend when I was growing up's aunt who is married to my cousin's uncle:  

1.  Yes

2.  No

3.  Socially

4.  If they do, I've never heard about it, so I assume no.  

5.  Again, how should I know this?  

6.  None I've ever heard of.  

7.  Not that I've ever heard.  

8.  I've never been to their house.  They are always dressed neatly, their daughters were both dressed neatly, and their car was always neat and clean, so I would suppose so.  

9.  Again - how should I know?  

10.  No boarding school, yes to summer camps - kids love them!  

11.  They had a babysitter - is this a nanny?  

12.  I don't know...  I would guess so since after the first daughter they adopted her sister a few years later.  

13.  I suppose they do.  I wasn't that close to them.  However, since they're biological half-sisters, I don't think that the adoption could play any part in their relationship.  

Side note:  This couple has an open adoption with the birth mother.  The girls have a sister in between them that lives with the birthmom, and they visit and exchange pictures.  It seems to have worked out well for all involved.  

Parents of a high school friend:  

1.  Yes

2.  Not recently - I'm not sure about in the past, I've only known them for about ten years.  

3.  Socially

4.  Not that their daughter knows of

5.  I don't know - this is something most people keep private

6.  No

7.  No

8.  I don't know, I've never been to their house.  I was at "boarding school" with their adopted daughter.  

9.  No

10.  Well, you already see my answer above.  However, this daughter was quite unique and needed the boarding school quite badly.  They did not send their adopted son to boarding school.  

11.  No

12.  He has always acted like it.  

13.  Both kids are adopted, and are relatively far apart in age and even further apart in maturity levels.  However, the daughter (my friend) was always very protective of her little brother.  

The adoptive parents of my brothers' biological little brother:  

1.  Yes

2.  No

3.  No - I think it's a religious thing.  

4.  Since they don't drink, I'd be shocked!  

5.  Again - private - how should I know

6.  None I've heard about.  

7.  I doubt it, they seem laid back, but who really knows what goes on behind closed doors.  

8.  Yes

9.  Again, how would I know?  

10.  No

11.  No - they wanted to be parents more than anything in the world, and cared for him themselves.  

12. Yes, very much.  

13.  John's an only child, so this doesn't really play into the picture.  However, they have kept in contact with our family so that he can know as much of his biological family as possible.  There was not information available on any of the other siblings except a sister who's parents ceased contact with us all after the biological parents tried to take her back years after the adoption was final.  They also moved to California when John was in grade school because that is where they had family.  Since it didn't look like they'd be adopting another child, and seemed to be infertile, it didn't seem likely he'd ever get siblings to live with - thus they wanted him to be able to grow up around his cousins.  Good thinking in my book, and it seems to have worked out well.  He came from a very shoddy beginning (read my previous answers for details - they far exceed any flaws I've seen in adoptive parents) and has grown into a nice young man.  

Does this satisfy you?  Adoptive families are regular folks just out to raise a family.

Answer 8

Don't be silly AP are perfect - just look at those 'Dear Birthmother' letters and profiles!  Who could live up to those mythical gods and godesses pfffttt

From what I've seen, I had a close shave and lucked out with my APs!  I think I'll give my AMum an extra hug today, just because.

And here's a hug for you too - to make up for all the nasty comments about birthparents you have to put up with xoxoxoxo

Answer 9

I know many AP and am one myself. We lost two premature babies so decided to adopt and have adopted two daughters. Our kids on 31 and 22 are friends and live together as such. We have been married 40 years and keep a clean house but for some reason our kids don't.

    Neither we nor they do drugs or drink. They are really good adults. They vote and work but never finished college even though we made it available to them.

     We loved them from the moment we first saw them and still do but don't always agree on how they live their lives. Really, we are not much different from biological parents except we had to wait for our kids. They were people we really wanted to love and raise as our own.

     Do we have problems? Yes, life is full of them and we all work on them as a team.

     Hope this helps.

         Bob

Answer 10

I am talking just from my perspective only.

1. no

2. yes

3. sometimes

4. no

5. yes but my adoptive mother has also had some low blows when it comes to the men in her life.  My amom divorced my adad. My step father died about five years ago.

6. Yes my amom had asthma that is severe.  In fact my mother was hospitalized for it recently.

7. yep but then so do i

8. no but I am also a slob too

9. no

10 no. that was out of the question for my mother

11.  mine never did

12.  I don't think my first adad wanted children period.  neither natural nor adopted.  

13. what siblings ever get along?

Answer 11

Hmmm.  Let me think about this.

Yes.  like everyone, AP's have troubles too.