Having a tough time. Some help please.

Question

So my family consists of my wonderful mother and beautiful younger sister. They are the only ones I really love in this world. Together we have gone through so much and it has made us closer than ever. My mom is the best. We came to the US when I was an infant. She didn't know any english or have any family here. Now, she is a hygienist, a US citizen, owns a home, and whatnot. I really admire her so much. Since she is a single mother she works a lot. This started last week. I've been think of what would happen is she dies. What would be of my sister and me? I used to believe in God and I was sure that He would know that I am a good person and would not let my mother die soon. But now I'm an atheist. I've realized that I don't have "security" for my mother. She could die anytime. This has really affected me. I've been having panic attacks at school and work everyday. The pain is so horrible that crying doesn't help. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I cannot tell her what is going on because it will devastate her. She is already dealing with my sisters severe despression. What can I do?

Answer 1

Sorry, this is a really long reply, but it is heartfelt and I just couldn't cut any of it out..

I can understand completely. My mother was hit by an uninsured vehicle nearly 5 years ago and it completely devastated our small family's life. She is a single mom of me and my brother. I was 16 when it happened and upon turning 18, I had to move out immediately because my mom lost our house because she could not go to work anymore, she went on medical leave several times and had many operations. She has had 5 operations trying to fix her neck and arm and try to alleviate some of the excrutiating pain she feels every day. She has not been able to pay for it, because the insurance companies have refused to help her any more and now she is going on 60 years old and the doctors have told her that they will sign the papers saying she is disabled. She has filed bankruptcy, she has since been hit a second time and one of the doctors apparently left out one of the screws in her neck, so the second accident put her in far more pain that she had been before. She is so sad, and I've experienced so much sadness as well watching her helplessly on the side. I can't think about it without crying. I've been so sad, I have avoided her and my other family members since moving out, trying to put it all behind me and forget about it just to try and live. Now I am realizing that she may only have a small amount of time left, and I am wasting it by distancing myself from her. I need to work on repairing our relationship and trying to support her instead of selfishly trying to ignore it. I went through serious depression and have suicidal thoughts very often. I was 16 when this started and I will be 21 in a few months. It has been one of the most trying times of my life and I'm still confused about how to deal with her terrible pain and suffering. She currently works a few hours a day and immediately goes home to bed. She can't do much of anything else, and she is still trying to support my 18-year old brother. I have been trying desperately to somehow get some large amount of money, win the lottery or become a famous artist, just to somehow help her since I have felt so useless over the years, just watching helplessly. She has lost so much weight and is on heavy medication that they only give to dieing cancer patients.. Each time I try to visit her, I leave with such deep sorrow that I don't come back for months or even a year because it takes so long for me to overcome my constant grief. It affects my work, my relationship, and everything I do.

Anyways, I understand how it feels to be insecure about your mother's death. The thought constantly occurs to me - how will I know? Will anyone tell me? I am always worried that today will be the day that I somehow find out that it has finally happened, the thing that I dread so much.

I think I need to work on my courage to help stand beside her instead of feeling neglected, depressed, and even spiteful. I am not really helpless, I think she could use emotional support more than I even know. But how do I get there, I don't know.. I may need therapy, to be honest.

If your mother is also ill for some reason, or if you are just worried because she is your sole support in life, tell her that you love her and tell her that you appreciate her so much and it will likely mean the world to her. She is working hard just for you. She loves you a lot and she tries hard to give you and your sister what you need.

I think if you and your sister talk about it, it might help as well. It is a really tough situation, but you may also try therapy sessions. I know with a single mother, that can be unaffordable. But you could all just try to sit in the same room and open up about your feelings. I guarantee it will be scary to say those things openly and it may be hard to get used to. But if you try to make time for it once a week, you may all end up a happier family who understands eachother better. We did that, and it helped some.

Does your mother know you feel insecure about her death? It may be a bit of a shock to her to hear that, but it may also help her understand why you are unhappy which would help her. She is doing it all for you, and if you and your sister are still unhappy and she doesn't know why, it could be making her depressed as well. It is a cycle.

When I was 16 - 18 during her operations, I was fearful that she would die and I would have nowhere to go and my life would be horrible from then on. But even if she had died during that time, there are places to go and you will not be left homeless or without food. It would be very sad, yes, but there are kind people out there who would reach out to you and help. Also, you will no doubt be able to finish school and find work even if you mother was not around anymore. It is much easier to have a mother though, so I suggest you cherish it and try to help her when you can. Thinking about negative things like death all the time will hurt you and like you said, crying won't even help. Work on focusing on the good things, the things you can be thankful for, and your goals in life.

Good luck! Communication is key.  

Answer 2

If she is not sick then why are you obsessing about her death? That seems to be a little on the sick side. Maybe you should drop being an atheist and get back in touch with God, and a therapist as well.

Answer 3

I think you have to go to the doctor. he can help you!!!!!

Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 4

I've felt the same way, my family means the world to me. And just thinking that somtehing bad could happen to them drives me crazy.

Your right there is no security, no guarantee that we'll have tomorrow, what we have today. But what i think you should do is stop worrying so much, be grateful, you have your mother and little sister, treasure the moments you have with them, make the best of everything, life is too short to spend it worrying. Just make sure you let your mother know how much she means to you. Your a very lucky guy! Some people aren't fortunate enough to have a loving mother.

Good Luck to you and your Family!

Answer 5

Is your Mom sick?  Is that the reason you are so depressed?  Sounds like you might need to go the the Doctor yourself.  There are a lot of non-narcotic meds he can give you to help you get over the feekubgs of helplessness you are feeling now.

Good Luck and God Bless