Having an affair and in love with both men now what?

Question

I have been married about a year and a half, with my husband for four years total. We where virgins when we got married. We both have very strong morals and are involved in the church. Growing up I was so set on having a great loving godly marriage so I didn’t just date for the fun of it. When I meet my husband I thought we both wanted the same things. I thought he was perfect and that I didn’t deserve him. We where happy and we had the great godly marriage I was looking for. In April he was away on a business trip, I found out that he spent 300 dollars at a strip clubs. I was crushed and the bad news just kept coming. I also found out after digging that he wasn’t a virgin when we got married that he had slept with his ex and was seeing her for the first 6 months of our relationship before I moved the 9 hours away from my family to be with him and for the first 3 months of our marriage he was emailing a girl he went to collage with about perusing a relationship with her among a few other crushing details. We started counseling right away and I feel that I have forgiven him but I feel like he is not the person I thought I married. I don’t feel as if he would do this again but to be honest I don’t think I would even care. He says he loves me more then anything and I believe him. I have told him that I don’t feel the same for him as I once did.

At work there is this guy who is a few years younger and 110% different then my husband and then anyone I would ever see my self with. We have been flirting for about a year but knew there where boundaries. Well given the right set of wrong circumstances all of my moral, vows and boundaries went out the window. We have been seeing each other for 4 months now and have tried to stop multiple times but we work together and can’t fight the temptations. Quitting just isn’t an option for either of us. We both love each other but I know that even thought I do love him I wouldn’t want to leave my husband and give up on all that we once had and I hope to have again. Can I ever get that back again? If I left I wouldn’t just go running in to a relationship with my lover and everyone knows that the chances of us working out are very slim. Not to Minchin we are completely different and the only thing we have in commended is our feeling for each other.

Now that I dug this hole for myself and have strong feeling for both my husband and my lover. How do I start to mend all the destruction I have caused?

Answer 1

Three options...

A: If u really want to make ur marriage work, find another job! Regardless of the consequences and stop seeing this man. You are becoming exactly what u hated in ur husband.

or

B: Leave ur husband. Even though he cheated (u said u forgave) he still doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Go with ur lover and see what happens. It may be better than u think. and if it completly falls apart, than start over.

or

C: Pray. Pray to God to help you. I am sure u will see cheating it wrong, if u r as 'religious' as u say.  

Answer 2

GET YOUR RESUME OUT !!!

Answer 3

You should have left your lousy husband as soon as you realized what a piece of c**p he was. For you to claim you have very strong morals is absurd. You would have done the right thing and left first.

Get some counseling, you desperately need it.

Answer 4

you and i share this same issue in common just different circumstances....... what i did was pray and ask god to guide me in the right direction. I been with my boyfriend 7 years and the other guy 3 years after my boyfriend cheated on me i understood how it felt to be betrayed and i stopped even though i love the other guy GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS

Answer 5

Get a new job and cease all contact with your lover.  That's the only way you'll be able to focus on your husband.  You know what you have to do, you're just looking for a quick and easy fix.  Unfortunately, there is no quick and easy fix.  You have to bite the bullet and let your lover go before hubby finds out and he will if "everyone knows that the chances of us working out are very slim."  

Answer 6

first, you now know that no s*x before marriage is not for the average person who simply wants to call him/herself a Christian. it is not possible for two people to have a godly marriage. get this idea out of your head immediately. if you are cheating, don't try to glamorize it and say you are in love. you are cheating because it's the first stop most people make when taking a detour around dealing with their real issues. Be honest from now on, and find some real spiritual guidance, one that doesn't focus on controlling s*x and sexual conduct so severely that it sends perfectly normal people (like yourself) down the wrong path led by this misguided ideology.  good luck to you.  

Answer 7

Quit your job be honest with your husband and hopefully he doesn't leave you.  Your just living another lie you must wake up and smell the coffee.  Your slapping your marriage in the face not saying your husband has either but still two wrongs do not make a right.  You need to make a choice and your the only one that can do this you  love your husband and you want to get back to the way things were then you need to stop theis affair now and all communication.  WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE NO MARRIAGE IS A CAKE WALK YOU MUST WORK ENDLESSLY AT IT.

What you forgot how to pray really you have made these foolish decisions your the only one that can undo the actions already done.

Time to grow-up and fess-up for your actions do not stop the counselling anytime soon.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

If you would have just kept God close you would not have faltered this badly.  Remember we ask him to give us the strength to resist temptations in life appears your not asking enough.

Answer 8

I almost have a similar story.  Felt trapped in my own little world.  Been married for 16yrs and my husband is my one and only sexual partner.  I am sort of curious what it would be like with another man.  Being married with kids and a full-time job is not fun.  I thought I would feel complete.  I am still missing something.  Looked for an old flame and sure enough found him. He was not just any boy I knew.  He was the first boy I fell in love with.  He is also married and unhappy. We have been talking for about 3 months.  I even sent s**y pics of myself.  We haven't crossed the path of destruction yet, but I want to take the journey.  I know too many lives would be destroyed.  

I am where you once were, before the hole.  You have some resentment towards your husband for what he did and that's o.k. You devoted you life for him and been a "good girl" and saved it for when you were married.  Just like me. I gave my virginity to one man, but never experienced others.  Now I wonder what it's like.  I have nothing to compare. This one "friend" of yours showed an interest and peaked your curosity.  You were doomed to fall in love.  You never had another man "have" you like this before.  Now that the curiosity is over and you know you are desirable to other men other than you husband. You have to make a hard decision.   I would say; "stay with the man who would always have your heart."    The one who would carry you through h**l and back. The man who would save your life before saving his own.  I know which one that would be for me. My husband.

The thrill and excitement of "reconnecting" with my old flame is still there. Is the thrill still there for you?  Starting a new realtionship is always exciting, but that too will grow old fast.  You have to look long term.

My selfish needs are haunting me still.  My heart and my head are going into two different directions.  I am at the start of my hole. Let me ask you, was it worth it?

Answer 9

Fell from in church doing right to being a cheater...WOW.

Answer 10

You should ask both your husband and your new stud how they feel about sharing you.  If everything works out right, you could get spit roasted or DPed in the bedroom.  You could experience what most women only fantasize about (and are usually too prudish to admit).  "Double your pleasure, double your fun, most bad girls know two saugages are better than one"

Answer 11

LOL... ain't you in a pickle...

Been there... done that...

Here is what you can expect. You probably have stronger feelings and better s*x with this other guy so you will always crave him over the hubby.

You are already detached from your hubby and for good reason.

You should have left - just like I should have - right away when all of this happened with the cheating and emailing.

If he had stopped all of the cavorting the minute you two were engaged I would forgive all but the lie of being a virgin. That shouldn't be too hard to get over, but a lie is a lie... and I am sure you told him some... the size of the lie does not matter in God's eyes.

You will most likely loose both men and your hubby will never trust you either now... it was bad enough that one of you was paranoid of illicit behavior but now both of you will wonder.

There is hope for you if you can completely forgive him since you are now on his level. Whatever his reason for being unfaithful, unfaithful is unfaithful... even if he did it first.

Can you see how he was torn between two people... it's just too easy to do. He was probably disappointed in s*x and went looking. Can you also see how he would rather be with you than another woman?

What they don't tell you in high school is that you can love two people... and that sucks!

You end up loosing both. Only the shallow win here... having s*x without feelings...

So this is what you have to do.

Confess to him and God... Get more counseling and take your punishment - just like you have been punishing him... expect to be treated the same.

Oh, BTW, if you do leave and find a newer man yet... will you tell him you are a cheater? or will you lie like your present hubby?

Answer 12

Two wrongs don't make a right. I say don't have an affair. Get a divorce. Your husband and you now lost all trust in each other. Cheating causes many problems. It's your choice. Pick one and work on that relationship. You will have more things go wrong before things go right. Get back to GOD search your soul, fix the problem. good luck!

Answer 13

Since all parties have a truth & trust issue there is no chance> Your marriage is a sham> Your affair is a sham> Your call there's not much you have to look forward to> You won't guite the affair> Or end the marriage> Have fun while it lasts>

Answer 14

if u love your husband at all u will need to cut all ties with the other man, unless u do it will effect your marriage.with some christian counseling u can restore your marriage,the chances of this new relationship working are slim, give your marriage what it needs and put the focus on the hubby and not the boyfriend.

Answer 15

uhh i'm not sure if i'm qualified to give advice but..

that's an amazing story

Answer 16

Confront your husband with those lies then quit cheating.  Avoid your lover at work.  Seems you can't go on like this, so you better figure out what you want and stick with it.  You start to mend the destruction by stopping what your doing now.

Answer 17

Lets start with the first point:

Church and morals don't complement each other.  You go to church, but its your choice to act on the morals they teach - which you haven't.

You've had an affair.

You've been married to a man, and have been unfaithful - you haven't kept your marriage vows.

Do you see the contradictions here?

You say you are in love with two men - yet you committed to ONE long before, but you decided to compromise that commitment.

Now - logically you CANNOT be in love with both, if the first "love" wasn't strong enough to keep you faithful.

Now...you've got two men that you don't know what to do with - one expected your fidelity, and the other expects your time and attention.

Except you think little of fidelity and you have enough time and attention for both.

Who should you pay attention to and spend all your time with?  That's the person you should be truthful to and risk that he might not want to be with you any more.  You are a married woman, and you have a duty to only ONE of these men.  It's also your duty to be honest, faithful and true.  Try your best to do one of these at least.