He's leaving for a long time. How do I handle this?

Question

My fiance (he's 23 & I'm 21) joined the Army National Guard and leaves for Basic Dec. 30th in Fort Jackson SC. Then his AIT (in Missouri) is another 9 weeks after basic. He was told that he would only have 24+ hours between basic and AIT. So he won't get to come home in between. I'm going to SC to see his graduation from basic and possibly driving him to Missouri (so we can spend more time together). He may take a bus though it depends on some different things. Well, we just found out that his group is due to be deployed in June of '09 which is right after he comes home from AIT. I know that being scheduled to go and actually going are two different things, but I can't help but to be upset about how long he will be gone. I'm cool with him being gone for all the training. I just really don't want him to be deployed. I'm not sure how long a deployment is but I know that it's a long series of months at a time. I haven't said anything to him about all of this because I'm trying to be positive. I want him to do his best and stay focused. I'm dying inside. How do you keep a relationship strong when you are apart for over a year? I'm determined to make this work. I love him more than anything and I will do everything possible to keep him from worrying about me while he is gone. I want to be the thing he looks forward to every day. Hopefully someone reading this has gone through all of this and can give me some advice and support. Every time we start talking about it, I'm holding back tears.

Answer 1

aw. You will be ok. Just hold on to that love. True love never ends. Don't worry everything will work out for you.

Answer 2

First of all - good for you, for your outlook.  Many Soldiers' wives, girlfriends, and fiancees try to talk them out of enlisting for this exact reason.  I'm certain he truly appreciates your support.

Now, on to your question.

Deployments are hard, I will not sugar-coat that.  But there are a lot of things you can do to both keep your bond strong and keep yourself busy so you're not tortured.

To keep your bond strong, send him a daily e-mail when he's deployed (a letter a day when he's at Basic), just updating him on your day and what's going on stateside.  Include anything humorous - a comic strip, a joke, anything.  Make a scrapbook for when he comes home.  Send him pictures of yourself.  Send him care packages with magazines, books, and DVDs - AND of course calling cards; they're vital!!

To keep yourself busy, get a second job or join a club to eat up as much of your time as possible - that way you can't think about it so much.  I've always found that when my guy and I are apart, it's great to have some kind of a goal to work towards; for example, I'll set a goal to lose a certain number of pounds or inches by the time I see him again.  That way, I can be excited about fitness as opposed to being depressed that I haven't heard from him in a week.

A great community can be found at http://military.com, in the discussion board area - there's a whole group of women going through this and they're wonderful to talk to.

Answer 3

First of all, I have to commend you in staying positive. Things are always better if you if you don't focus on the negative. I'm an Army wife of 6 months, but I've been with my soldier for 3 years. He hasn't deployed yet, but probably gonna happen soon. We did just spend two months apart with him being in training though. One of the things I learned is that setting short term goals for yourself makes the time go faster than immediately looking at the big picture. I had several points I looked forward to that were all about 2-3 weeks apart and it made time fly by.

I also had a notebook I wrote in almost every day because I couldn't send letters. Since it wasn't basic I could call him, but I still wrote to him about small stuff.  Picking up some new hobbies helps too. And I had some books I wanted to read. One that was really helpful was a book called "Married to the Military", it really explained a lot of things I didn't know yet. And I re-decorated our room, which was a fun way to stay busy too, and I get to look forward to seeing his reaction when he sees the result when he gets back.

Since we're in between duty stations, I didn't really have an FRG I was involved with, but I'm part of an online support group with wives and girlfriends from all over the US called Soldier's Girls, that is a really big help

Answer 4

Welcome to military (significant other) life!! My hubby was gone for 1.5 years for training, etc.. it's rough, just keep yourself busy and write lots of letters! Staying back while the love of your life is deployed, etc.. can be a trying situation. Now is a good time to see if you are tough enough to endure a lifetime of this! Good Luck!

Answer 5

Welcome to the life sweetheart! My husband is US Navy and has been for little better then eight years. Our deployments are typically only six months long (so they say! HA!) but I can tell you from our experience there have been plenty of times he was gone for ten or eleven months (USS Lincoln War Pac 2002-2003 as an example). I know he will be leaving again some time next spring for six months only to come home for three weeks and leave for another six months.

Being away is never easy. But one thing you can do is write him CONSTANTLY! letters, care packages, cards, emails, etc. Every contact no matter what is special. Even if you don't have a whole lot of time and the email says "I love you, love me" is exactly what he will need. Send plenty of pictures of home, kids if you have them, parents, etc.

You'll start sleeping with your phone on a regular basis. Support him, be there for him and never ever give up on him. You'll make it. Its hard... but its worth it!

Answer 6

I am in Iraq right now and I know first hand the pain you are going through because, it goes both ways. Remember that you are not alone and he is going through the same thing. Send him fun different themed care packages, letters. Things that keep you thinking about him and not glued to your cell phone waiting for his call. Time passes quickly, trust me. You sound like a very strong smart woman and you will make it through this just fine, you will surprise yourself. Surround your self with frinds and family and take up some hobbies, this will keep you busy and aliviate a lot of your stress. Also, involve yourself with FRG, that way you have people who are in your situatuation to vent to.

Answer 7

Have fate............

Answer 8

hi, i know exactly how you feel. my husband is in the army . we have an 11 month old and another one coming in march. weve been married for a little more than a year now. the military takes a lot of his time. half the time weve been married hes been on some training or going somewhere. thank god he hasnt got deployed yet. but if he does , thats something that us military wives, fiances, girlfriends have to deal with. i know its so hard to deal with all the fears when they are gone and having to deal with them being gone so long but there are programs for people like us to help us cope. other woman , men who are away from their loved ones. im sure it helps to talk to others going through the same.

i hope he doesnt get deployed, just hang in there.

theres a very good saying " God found some of the strongest woman and made their match a military man"

oh yeah the deplyment time was 15 months but i think it went or will go down to 12 months

Answer 9

You need to ask yourself if that's the kind of life you want.  You're young it's far from late to rethink your choices up to now, maybe you just let him go and make your own way.

Answer 10

You just have to keep strong for him. I'd love to know that my husband is in basic or AIT b/c that means he's safe. Deployments aren't the end of the world. I know they seem like it, but if you are going to marry a Soldier it's something you must accept. My husband is almost done with his 2nd tour and it seemed like my world was stopping when he left but it didn't. I realized this is our life and deployments are part of it. No one likes them but they happen. Look on line for support groups, there are some really great ones. Go to the library and read a few books like married to the military. They help you deal with the 1,000 different emotions your feeling.

You must keep your communication open when he's deployed. Keep things as calm as possible at home, don't stress him out even more.

Since there's been wars there have been women doing what we are doing. Find hobbies and keep busy. Write him lots of letters in basic. You can do this, it seems like a mountain at first but you can do it!