He's no longer interested?

Question

I am engaged with the love of my life. He constantly tells me how he loves me more with every passing day and that I am the perfect match for him. He is completely happy. I am completely happy except for one aspect. We do not have s*x any more. Since we moved in together almost a year ago we have had s*x less than ten times. I am still quite young, and he is only 30. I have tried to talk to him about this many times but he gets hurt and defensive. He seems to believe that this is bringing us closer on an emotional level. Most of the time I am fine, and I can ignore any “urges” that I have and live happily. But sometimes it becomes overwhelming and lately I have been tempted to seek what I need from others.

How do I talk to him without hurting his feelings or putting him on the defensive? And am I that bad of a person by being tempted?

Answer 1

I was married for 9 years under those circumstances. I am now divorced. I'm not saying it will end that way for you, but this is something that definitely needs to be addressed. My ex would also get hurt and defensive about. I think the reason for that is that they take as a commentary on their manhood -- he's not keeping his woman happy. What you need to do is try to find out why he's lost interest in s*x. There could be something physiologically wrong with him. Also, sometimes stress or anxiety affects a person's s*x drives. What this situation should tell you is that men are actually delicate flowers. I wouldn't "talk" to him about it. Obviously, that's not working. Instead, have you tried the indirect method -- spicing things up in the bedroom, suprising him in little ways, seducing him, etc. . .and see if that turns him on. The objective is to get him to pleasure you. He won't do that unless he feels safe. Right now he doesn't feel safe because he feels like he'll fail at it (therefore, in his mind, why try?). So get to the reason for why he thinks he'll fail at it. . . Good luck!!!

Answer 2

Does he work alot? I would be concern if I were you. 10 times in one year is less than once a month. Are you the same woman he meet when you first got together? Your appearance I mean. I would wait until your problem is resolved before you make a life long commitment.

Answer 3

could be a medical problem

and he is afraid to mention it

Answer 4

wow girlfriend, Im so sorry your dealing with that. I relate to you on alot of levels though. I have lived with my boyfriend for almost year and we plan on getting married one day. Though I am not engaged now, he tells me im the love of his life.

We havent been having s*x as frequetly anymore and it was an issue for me cause I felt like He didnt want to cause he wasnt attracted to me anymore. I noticed he was watching p**n and masturbating alot more when i wasnt home, in fact as soon as i left the house!

I sat and talked to him about how i was feeling and he let me know that he loves me to death and thinks i am the most beautiful girl in the world. He just said that when we have s*x less it makes having s*x more special. I was a little hurt at first cause i thought he was bored having s*x with me and after I thought about it I agreed.

Sit and talk to your fiance about this and tell him that you love having s*x with him and though it doesnt have to be everyday you would like it it if happened more often. Or you can do the whole catch him of gaurd and dress up in something s**y.

Talk to him though! He is your fiance someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Be honest and open with each other. Ask him whats going on.

best of luck to you i hoped i helped

Answer 5

i don't know what to exactly think of this situaiton except that this may be a big problem down the road...s*x is a very important part of a relationship, especially when u two have decided to spend the  rest of ur lives together...i think he may be hiding something. it doesn't sound normal to me that a guy does not wanna have s*x with his fiance and that he thinks this is gonna connect them more emotionally...sorry but there is something very fishy about the situation. i don't know what you should exactly do but try to talk to him about it one more time. make sure u tell him how u feel about having needs and that he is really not meeting ur needs and these needs are not something u can ignore or put aside!!! maybe u two should go for couple's counseling...

don't metnion that u r tempted to cheat. but u should realize that the very fact that u r tempted means that u r in a very bad situation...s*x 10 times a year is TOO little....

good luck!

Answer 6

As an old married lady (20 years) I can see that you love him and want him to be happy. Does he feel the same about you? Is he doing his best to make you happy in other aspects of your life together? Does he treat you with love and respect? If the answer is yes, then you might have to have a frank honest talk with him (and try to keep emotion to a minimum) about your incompatibility in the s*x department.

Don't beat yourself up about your feeling "tempted". It is human nature to want the pleasure of s*x with the one you love and those feelings don't go away when your partner loses interest (or never had it). It could be that something in his past is making him behave this way, or he might be one of those men that feels that s*x is only for babies. Some men don;t want to think of their fiancee as a sexual being, they want to keep her "pure" and virginal. You won;t be able to figure this out on your own, you need the help of a trained professional therapist. If your fiancee won't go, you may have to go alone at first...at least you might get some insight as to how to talk to him.

Believe me, I understand your pain and frustration. My spouse is no longer able to have s*x due to years of diabetes and poor health, so my days of "that" are over. We love each other and always will, but I have accepted the fact that we are not physical anymore. I am certainly "tempted" but I know that I married for better or worse. He is a good father and my best friend...and that is enough for now. Once the kids are grown and we move to a warmer climate I will find other ways of focusing my energies...I am a Christian and do not believe in divorce or cheating.

I hope this helped a little. Don't give up...he sounds like he's worth it. Get some help for yourself and go from there.

Answer 7

He no longer feels the urge for you because he has what he wanted in the first place. A live-in maid.

Answer 8

Talk to him honestly... omit the part about dreaming of other men.  Be honest and tell him that you desire him and want things to be like they were.  Tell him he needs to seek help, not just for you and your relationship, but for himself.  It's not healthy for a man his age not to have a s*x drive.  Make it more of a health issue and tell him you support him.  Suggest a good doctor.

You are his fiance... and will be his wife.  He needs to trust you engoug to admit the problem and seek help.  Many times if a man is over worked or over tired or has depression it affects his s*x drive.  Seek help and be sure to tell him you are there for him.  Tell him he needs to do it for you and your relationship and for himself.

Tell him you want him to be happy.  If you approach him in a serious, loving manner... hopefully he will not respond in a resentful way.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Well to bring a closeness and passion and being sexual to each other back into your relationship I truly believe that you both need to move away live separate and continue the level of dating like you use to do before you moved in together, separated from each other so you can't create a sense of wanting to be together,missing each other, and so on cause Right now you'll are acting like married people with some kids and don't have time for each cause your so tired and busy...  and your not even married yet! so that's something to really think about if you want the relationship work.

Answer 10

that doesnt make any sense.  he's got a problem if you 'can' have s*x and have had it many times in the past year.  if he is saying it is because he's trying to bring you closer, but giving in to sexual desires now and then on 'his' terms...he's playing you!  manipulation and control it seems.  why not stop all kinds of s*x if he is attempting such sexual control?

that's a bunch of crock!