He already has a child, now I feel like I can’t have one of my own? ?

Question

My partner and I have been together for just over a year (we were together 7 years ago and have met each other again). He has a 4 year old son, and we have been discussing marriage and having children etc. Up until I met him I really wanted a baby and now I feel like I don’t want to give him one. I feel like it wont be the same because he has already been through that experience with someone else, I know this sounds immature, but I feel like I can’t share my experience, i.e go to birthing classes, seeing the ultrasounds, feeling the baby kick, as he has done it all before. The excitement of it all will just be with me being the first time parent. I feel that I will be doing it alone. I love his son and we have a great relationship, deep down I really want to have a baby of my own but hate the fact the he has been through it all before and when its my turn it will be 5hit.

Are these thoughts normal and how do I overcome this? I feel like if I don’t snap out of it, it will ruin our relationship, I do love him very much and plan on marrying him.

Answer 1

I know how you feel.  I feel the same way with my husband.  He doesnt have a kid or anything, but anything he has done with his ex, I want nothing to do with it.  When planning a vacation, if he has been there with her, I am thinking he will only be remember what he did with her there and stuff.  I used to compare everything to what he did with her so I am sure I know what you are feeling.  It gives you anxiety and makes you mad at the same time huh.  Just try to get those negative thoughts out of your head.  Think about all the positvies and how this will be a great life changing experience for both of you.  He has never been through it with you so that will make it very different and very exciting.    

If you are focusing on his past the whole time, you are missing out on the "now" and the future.  Put it behind you and make a baby with the man you love!

Answer 2

You can learn from his child before you have your own

Answer 3

My husband has a child from when he was a teenager.  He was young and stupid, and his girlfriend lied about taking her BC pills, she would just throw them away.  Anyways his daughter is 11.  We have been together for 5 years and have a 8 month old daughter.  He loves our daughter like it was his first.  He does not to get to see his first one because they live pretty far away, but she has a good life with a great mom and a new dad.  He still pays his child support and is still involved with her life.  But he does not act any different with our daughter.  If you guys truly love each other, and want to have a family, then he will love your guys child as much as his first.

Answer 4

Four years ago is a long time. And it will be different, he will be having a baby with someone he obvouisly cares very very much for. it will be you and his child, that's a special thing. Shoot, maybe you'll even give him his first daughter. Look on the bright side of things hun!

Answer 5

This time he will be having a baby with somebody different, and it will be an exciting experience for him. 4 years ago is a long time too, I wouldn't be worried about it if I were you, there is no point resenting that he has already had a child.

Answer 6

I wouldnt really call those feelings normal.  He had a son while you were not together.  Switch the roles, and think about if the man you loved didn't want to have a child with you simple because you already had one!  

A new baby is exciting whether it's your first or your 8th.  He will be happy to go through this experience with you.

You should realyl get over these feelings for the sake of your relationship.  Counseling,praying, or even just some heavy duty thinking can do wonders

Answer 7

You need to put your feelings aside as you are in this relationship together,it is about the two of growing & sharing together.Having a baby is something you both share & experience together.Why should he already being a father play a part of you having your own family.You are right it does sound immature & selfish.

Answer 8

It will still be exciting and fun for him too! Even if his son is four think about it it's been four years ago! Guys forget things from like yesterday! It will all be new to him again & the fact that he's going through it again with a woman he loves & is devoted too & is having his baby will make it all so special! I can understand why you would think of it but even women who wait on purpose that long to have another baby talk about how it's like having your first all over again & how they forget things too! I think you should be happy you found a great guy and move on to the next level of your relationship whatever that may be.  

Answer 9

Every baby is different no matter what partner you are with.  

If he wants kids with you it will be special to him - even if it's not his first time.

Plus you will have some insight from someone who has been there before.  

Maybe you aren't ready for kids if you are so worried about this.  Honeslty, the decision to have kids or not is a big one and you shouldn't make it based on some childish insecurities.

And if you feel this way it seems like you are resentful to the 4 year old.  That is no way to start a relationship with someone - resenting their son.  Trust me, he will always love his kids more than you and in a different way.  I married then had kids, I love my husband deeply.  But I love my son in a way that I can't even describe - it is so different than anything in the world.  If it were my husband or my child and i had to choose which one to save there would be no question - and I know my husband would want it that way and would choose the same - we always put him first.  That's as it should be.

If you expect him to ever put you before his son, you are delusional.  If you don't think he can love two children from two different mothers equally - you are delusional.  Kids are special - they take a part of your heart and just wrap themselves in it and you can never ever let that part go.  That will be theirs forever.

And unlike a wife, a child is yours forever (he is divorced it sounds like, you can't divorce your child).

I suggest you think long and hard before marrying someone with a child if you have this many issues with it.

Answer 10

maybe you should speak to a therapist.

my advice would be to snap out of it because it is a totally different experience with each individual baby, but i guess that wont really help because it seems like you already know.