He brought up my personal life?

Question

I (finally!!) after 2 years of separation got my child support and visitation hearing. During the hearing, when my ex didn't get what he wanted for visitation, his lawyer began to question me. he asked who lived in my home. I answered myself, the children and my friend (name). he said is he a boyfriend? I said yes. (we do not share a bed when the children are home. they both co-sleep with me, and my ex is well aware of this.)

how old is he?

me: 22. (i'm 30)

who else lives with you?

Me: (his) sister stays with us, but I wouldn't call it living there.

Why is she staying with you?

me: her home life is unacceptable and I'm trying to help her out.

Was there ever an accusation that (bf) burned your son with a match?

Me: I don't think so. I think there may have been an incident where (son) got hold of a match while he was watching him, but...

How did he get hold of a match?

Me: I don't know I don't remember. (I was very blindsided by this, and after the hearing was over remembered the incident he was talking about. my BF was watching him, and went out for a smoke. my son went outside too, as both my children often do, and when my bf put his recently extinguished match in the ashtray, my son picked it up, and it burned his fingers. it could have happened to me or anyone else, and it was not deliberate or negligent.I told my ex when it happened, and it was all over I thought)

now here was the really bizarre part:

Lawyer: do you use alcohol?

me: yes on occaision.

In front of the children?

Me: no (I should have said I don't get DRUNK in front of the children, but again I was blindsided. I have had drinks in front of them before, but I never have more than one when they are home in case they get sick and I have to take hem to the hospital or something)

Do you keep alcohol in the house?

me: yes, occaisionally.

(I sort of quietly asked is that..illegal?)

Have the police ever been summonned to your house?

Me: not that I know of? (if they have been it wasnt when I or the children were there!)

then the judge changed the subject.

After it was all over I was angry. I did not bring up anything about my ex's personal life, such as HIS boyfriend's age (he is like 14 years older than my ex) or other stuff that he has told me. My attorney laughed and said don't worry about it, the judge was very turned off by that, and I was about to object, but when I saw how she was reacting to it, I just let it go. he said I did great and was obviously being honest.

why would he do this? he didn't get the visitation he wanted because the judge said it was too much back and forth, which is what I'd been telling him all along. I know my lawyer said not to worry, but what difference does it make if I have alcohol in the house? I'm of age. I'm scared that since he didn't get what he wanted, he's going to try to get custody, and while I'm sure he would lose, I don't want to put my kids through that.

Any thoughts on what he might be up to?

Answer 1

Sounds like a typical hearing where the opposing party's attorney tries everything to discredit you and make you look bad.  Don't worry about it though, they get paid to be d*ckwads, so don't take it personal even though you want to throw rocks at them.

Answer 2

alcohol/ no alcohol

boyfriend/lives alone

potential child abuse/no abuse

i have to say the column on the right looks better

also that question about have the police ever been summoned, sounds like th ex has told the lawyer something and they are trying to catch you in a lie.it is what happens in custody.the parents try to prove unfittness and that he child will be better off with them. happens to everyone.

Answer 3

Relax.  YOU are winning.  They are desparate.

Answer 4

You should ask that lawyer Does HE have alcohol in the house?? lol.

anyway, I think ur ex did this because he didn't get the visitation rights that he wanted... just like in real life w/o being in court people bring others down so they can look better and can get what they want. That will never change. Just relax, trust your lawyer, I'm sure you will be fine.  

Answer 5

He is going to try to pull out all the things he can.  Cause he knows he has done wrong andwants you to look just as bad as him.  Dont worry the judge will see through it.

Linda

Answer 6

You are majoring on minor issues. LET IT GO!

Answer 7

Your ex, and his attorney, are bringing up any little thing they can  .. to make a case.   And .. most importantly - they are trying to rattle you, and make you angry, in the Court Room .. so you would lose your cool .. and if you lost your cool in front of the Judge - then they think it would look bad on you to the Judge ... thus - it would then trickle down to helping get them what they want..  

Don't fall for it.

And don't let them get to you.  In, or out, of the Court Room.

Answer 8

You should hear the stuff they ask. Always be prepared. They asked my ex if he smoked, then said "Oh really, how much does THAT cost each week?Do you drink? Do you eat out? Do you purchase such and such?"

I actually almost felt bad. They nit pick and it works.

Answer 9

I hate to tell you this but you seem pretty naive about how custody/divorce battles go.  They are nasty, they will pull every stop to win and oftentimes women are the losers, especially when they aren't ready for this kind of scrutiny, which is normal.

This will go on forever as long as your ex gets the court to grant him the hearings. Women are held to a different standard in our society and court proceedings reflect this.  Although things have gotten better, the most prejudicial views are aired in court against either party in an effort to deflect from themselves.  

I think your lawyer was naive as well or cavalier to have not hammered your ex on cross as well. Why didn't she?  I don't know enough here really to make a decision.  

Now you are learning that the court process is a matter of strategy and its not the nicest one that wins.

I won full sole custody of my children during a temporary custody hearing.  My ex was a horrible man and if I had not had my attorney cross examine him like a pitbull on crack, the judge would have never known the kind of life I was forced to live with him.  

Get your attorney to be aggressive next time. Your children's lives are at stake for crying out loud and also consider that unless you can offer up a good answer otherwise, you must be the embodiment of Mother Teresa and Mary Poppins rolled into one or you can be painted into a corner as a drug and drink addled ****.  Women' s liberation hasn't changed everything, so get the blinders off.

Good luck.