He lied about drinking again...how much do I forgive?

Question

My husband and I are separated and we have been working at getting things back on track in our lives. We have been married a little over three years. It is a second marriage for both.

Things had been rough, we had been fighting/squabbling over normal things - kids, finances,household jobs, etc, but we were making improvements in that area. He had been drinking heavily, and early in our marriage I caught him in a highly inappropriate position with another woman (a friend of mine) at a friend's party. He blamed it on the drinking, I forgave him, we worked on it through counseling. He started drinking heavily again, and things were rough. Threats, blaming me for the actions of others (a friend of his slapped me on the rear one night but that was my fault because I must have enticed him - that was his drunken reasoning). The police were called to our home twice because in his drunken behavior he was getting threatening. It was not what marriage should be, I felt so miserable and sad for what had happened to the loving and wonderful man I had married.

I am not a heavy drinker. I have a drink socially when out, but I am the one who stays responsible to make sure nobody drives drunk, etc. That changed, and I then did not drink because I wanted to keep an eye on my husband and take care of him when he was drinking. Yes, I can see now that I did enable things, but I was always trying to encourage him to go easier on the drinking.

Earlier this summer he got out of hand and lost control completely. He pushed me away in his drunken stupor and I fell down and hurt my back. Bruised kidneys was result and the clinic called in suspicion of abuse. After being arrested for domestic assault, which was later changed to disorderly conduct, my husband found his life was completely taken away from him. He moved out and is living with his brother. New job because he lost his old one due to th is, he can't live with me due to order of protection, and stress and hardship is a mild way of describing out lives.

He went through an alcohol evaluation and anger management evaluation, but I cannot know the results as criminal charges are still pending. We have been allowed to attend couples counseling and to meet with our pastor. He has genuinely apologized for what happened and is remorseful. We are also allowed to see one another outside our home and have made some baby steps toward reconciliation. I have felt I am seeing a new man - no, scratch that - I am seeing glimpses of a man I used to know, the man I fell in love with, and am seeing hints of the man he can be in the future. He has been smiling again, he jokes, he has been caring and kind. He makes plans for our future. He is gentle and reflective on what happened and how it affected us as individuals as well as a couple. He has been loving to me and it has been good for our married soul.

Yesterday I went to see him where he is living with his brother. His brother was hosting a Labor Day weekend BBQ and pool party. His brother was highly intoxicated. I had been concerned about my husband being around his brother due to the heavy drinking his brother partakes in. After starting out with Miller Lite and moving on to sloshing around with his glass of Morgan Coke, his brother pulled me aside.

"Is it ok if John" (my husband) "has just one beer?" he asked.

"No, it's not," was my response.

John and I have discussed the drinking and I have made it clear that he can never again drink if he wants to be with me as a husband again. He has worked with three counselors in three years and they have all told him the problems he struggles with are a result of the alcohol. After the arrest, he told me alcohol was not worth the consequences and he promised me he would never drink again, never wanted to drink again. He said I was worth more to him than the problems alcohol would bring into this life. He said he now knew alcohol had absolutely zero positives. And I trusted that he meant that. I believed him He looked me straight in the eye and promised.

My brother in law continued to talk. He went on to tell me that he knew his brother could handle the alcohol because he had proved it at his house. He told me about an evening when the two of them recently sat outside on the deck and he gave my husband a beer and drank it. He then said John doesn't have a problem with drinking because he drank just one beer that night and has not drank otherwise while he has stayed there with him.

I cried.

John had just only the day previously told me he had not drank at all since the night he was arrested and never would, that he had not wanted a drink at all and that he could sit with anybody while they drank a beer and would be just fine. I asked him "Not even one beer?" after he told me this.

"Not even one," was his response.

So now I knew differently. I balled. John then walked in then and saw me crying. I co

Answer 1

Although your story got cut off, I think I get the idea.  Yours is the longest posting I have ever seen, and the longest for sure that I've ever read, but in your case I took it to mean that you are being genuine in wanting to provide facts and seek advice.

When I raised kids I learned "Where there is no consequence, learning does not take place."  He broke his promise and then lied about it, so if he suffers no consequence then he has no incentive to do anything differently next time.  So I think you must react - swiftly and decisively!

However, it sounds like he has made fantastic progress in getting his life together.  I think that deserves consideration here too.

Getting and staying sober is not just a decision . . . it's a journey.  It is not a straight climb, but a jagged one, and can have occasional backslides along the way.  The issue isn't whether someone EVER failed, but what to they do and how do they react afterward.

Check out my advice with your counselor, but I think you need to confront him about the lie and the beer right away.  Assuming he confesses, then I think you consider demanding a joint counseling session where a professional helps him map out behaviors for success.  Apparently seeing his brother proved to be too much temptation, therefore he cannot see his brother without you present until he has been clean and sober for X months.  And about the lie, he needs to understand you can forgive mistakes and deal with the recovery journey, but you cannot help him or deal with things if he is going to lie about it.

Hopefully there is some wisdom somewhere in what I've written for you.  You already know you are in for a tough journey, but if the 2 of you commit yourselves to one another, are honest with each other, are willing to change your habits to ensure you support one another's needs . . . then I think there is a good chance you can have back the man you love.

Tough love is what he needs.  If you love him, be tough on him to get him back on the right road, and then support him with the sweet love.

Good luck.  

Answer 2

Sweetie, I have just one piece of advice for you:  join Al-anon.  It is for friends and family of drinkers and substance abusers, and you will learn a lot about yourself, and the whole dynamic.  Your brother in law is an idiot, by the way.  He could not be more wrong, but then it is clear he would like to delude himself and his brother, your husband.  Your husband is an alcoholic, but it is not your job to police his drinking.  Please, look up Al-Anon on the internet, find a meeting close to you, and go.  Even if you want to stay separated, and divorce, you will learn some very important things there.  

Answer 3

Do yourself a favor

Go to a local AA meeting & ask anyone there if your husband is no longer an alcoholic.

Oh, make sure you tell them about the shoving and the bruised kidneys too.

Don't set yourself up to be a statistic, especially when there are children involved.  

If your not there anymore, who are they going to be with, Him?

Answer 4

It's not your job to sober him up...He needs to WANT to not be an alcoholic, and he needs to go through the 12 steps and work hard because he doesn't want to be a drinker anymore.  Put your foot down, and realize he cannot come home until he is honestly sober.  If the lies keep coming, then you have to stay away from him.  You can't keep being the one to bail him out of his messes and babysit him in life.  You become an enabler at that point.  That is not helping him or anyone who has to deal with him.  This is his demon...he needs to kick it for real.

Answer 5

your so long winded, I can see why John would drink!  Hate to say it, but it's true.

You enabled him to drink.  alot of this was your fault too.  co-dependant.

i think you also need counseling.  there's something that drove him to drink.  think about it.

of course if he has a problem, he's going to lie.

Answer 6

Confront him about it and if he lies tell him that his brother told you that he had. See what he says about this. I don't believe divorce is good, so I would just tell you to continue working through this because he had been making good steps already so just keep having faith!

Answer 7

Well, along with several other things you describe, lying about drinking is just another sign of an alcoholic, which he clearly is. Also clearly, he can't quit on his own. So, he's either going to get with a program and work it, or you're going to be dealing with a drinking drunk. You can forgive. No big deal, there. But the problem remains. You were right. Not one beer. And it's going to be hard, if it can even be done. That brother is going to keep trying to get him to drink. It's hard enough, without someone shoving them at you. Choice to put to him: Non-drinker and you, or drinker without you.